I just hate saying no

Well, I was again approached (by sensei's wife) and asked if I was going to the seminar. She told me that she did have a scholarship to help me and my husband go. I told her unfortunately, since we are moving in a couple weeks and the rent is higher then where we are now that I will not be able to go. I am sure the scholarship would help out with paying for the seminar, but there is still the issue of travel, food and finding a hotel that is dog friendly or boarding her. She told me I had until the end of the night if I changed my mind.

My husband told me that I should try to go without him. At first, the idea sounded grand. I was about to hop all over that and run up to sensei and tell him that I would be there like he wanted. Then reality sunk in. I could not go to a seminar without my husband. It would not be fair to him and I would feel completely guilty the entire time. Technically, I think we could afford the money to go. It really isn't that much. I have off weekends, but my husband works retail. He is convinced that if he asks off, his hours will be cut back from that point forward (they have done this to other people evidently). He will already be asking for time off to move into our new place.

Instead of being happy that we are finally moving out of the apartment (which I have been wanting to do for quite some time) and moving into a bigger (and quieter) duplex that actually accepts pets, I am left sad wishing I could go to the seminar. We discussed me going for just a day, which would make for a long day with 6 hours total of travel, 4 hours of training and then if I stayed for the potluck. That would have me on the go from 9 a.m. till about 11-11:30 p.m. Seemed like a better idea, but there was still the issue of him needing off work and then we would definitely have to board the dog.

It is funny how you get something you want, yet you can still be sad for the things you can't or don't have. I mean, why can't I just be happy that I have a new place to live that gets me away from all the problems at our current apartment? Why can't I be happy with just training for 11 1/2 hours a week at the dojo (including iaido and tai chi). I can't help but wish I had picked up that phone and told sensei that I had changed my mind and that I alone was going. Would I have felt guilty as soon as I hung up? Would I feel guilty the whole trip knowing I got to train and my husband didn't? Would he have been secretly disappointed or upset that I went? Could we alternate seminars with me going once and him another? Sure we could, but I like the thought of sharing the experience with him… not just telling him about it.

I am pretty sure he would have been fine with me going. All I know is he wouldn't go to a seminar without me. Though I would be bummed if he went and I didn't, I would probably understand as well.... but that would never happen; he would not go without me. In the end, I came to the conclusion that my husband and I are a connected unit. Just like nage and uke, we are constantly working together as partners. I realize that Chiba sensei may not always be around and that I may not have this opportunity again for quite some time (he hasn't been in this area for two years). I also have to realize that at this point in my life, we just don't have the financial freedom to do all the great seminars that are offered throughout the year. I just have to put my big girl panties on and say "Maybe next year."

Disappointment is a part of life and I have come to realize that it is how you deal with the disappointment that determines the overall quality of those moments in your life. I still have a fantastic husband, whom I absolutely love and adore (on most days… haha), I have a new place to live where my husband and I will be happier, I have a happy go lucky shih tzu who is loyal to me as long as I keep the treats coming on a daily basis and I still get to feed my ever growing addiction to aikido by training four days a week with a great sensei. So, although I am bummed that I can't go, the disappointment has become a bit more bearable and it isn't overshadowing what should be an exciting time for me and my husband.