You want me to WHAT?!?

Hi. My name is Ashley and I have been off of aikido for 5 days and 22 hours. ::sigh:: I am only on day 5 of my 30 day minimum stint in rehab. Last Thursday I finally put on my big girl gi and went to the doctor to see what is up with my foot. It has been almost four months since I have injured it and my foot doesn't seem to be getting any better. I walked into the office hoping for the best, but expecting the worse. Honestly, I was looking for a quick fix. Set me down, give me a cortisone shot, tell me to ice it after class and send me on my way. (I know that wouldn't fix the problem, but at least it would help me forget the problem....)

The doctor came in and asked me about my injury and symptoms, then sent me down the hall for some x-rays. After reviewing my x-rays, he told me that it didn't appear like I fractured or broke anything. He told me that he thinks I have bruised my bone marrow and have a large amount of edema in the bone. At this point, I asked what I needed to do. He told me he would give me a scrip for anti-inflammatory drugs to take twice a day. Sounds easy enough! Then he casually tossed in "No martial arts."

At that point, my eyes got all teary and it was like I was a child being told that I couldn't play with my best friend forever. I didn't really realize how much I liked doing aikido until that very moment. I think he saw how upset I was and asked how often I train and how long I had been doing martial arts. I told him that I train four days a week and hadn't been training long- just over two years. I guess he doesn't know too much about aikido because he commented that I must be fairly proficient at it. HAH! If he only knew…..

At that point he told me that he understood my frustrations and mentioned that he had earned his black belt in tae kwon do a while ago. He told me at minimum, I would be out of class for a month, but it may be more. He then supplemented his previous statement by stating that other then work and casual errands, like grocery shopping, he wanted me to stay off of my feet .

He said usually an injury like this requires RICE, but in this case rest is the only thing that will work. He asked if I took time off at all during the previous months and I told him I had almost two weeks off because of holidays and dojo closings, but other then that, no. He asked if I took time off after I hurt it and told him I went back and just dealt with it. It wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, but he nodded his head like he understood my reasoning.

I asked him if there was a chance that I had a soft tissue injury and damaged a muscle or ligament instead or in addition to the bruised marrow. He told me that he didn't think so based on the way I described my symptoms. He said he could be wrong, but he thinks he is "looking under the right rock." He said he wanted me back in a month and if it wasn't better by then, he would want an MRI to see what is going on.

I nodded and sadly took the prescription from his hand. On my way out, he asked me a bit about my job and asked if CSI was a total lie. I told him I hated the show, but my husband watches it. I explained that it is based on truth, but there is a lot of stuff in the show that is inaccurate or doesn't even exist yet. I then told him that he probably felt the same way about House or ER. He laughed and said he knew exactly where I was coming from.

I went up to the secretary and paid what I thought was a reasonable co pay (since my insurance card didn't mention a price) and scheduled my next appointment. As I walked out the door, I called my hubby to tell him of the news. As I drove home, I couldn't help but think that the doctor is indeed looking under the wrong rock. I would think if I pressed on the bone, it would hurt more and that just isn't the case (unless I really aggravate it first). However, when I point my toes (either using muscles or by using my hand to manipulate them into a pointed position) or stand on my tipy toes (or use my hand to bend them back) it hurts like the dickens!!! I suppose it could still be a bone issue, but I'm thinking it is a muscle or ligament issue. I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, I will be at the dojo doing observation training on the nights my hubby goes. Sensei told me he would make sure I had everything necessary to sit and watch comfortably. So here is to sitting out of class and hoping time will heal the area. Either way, if it is a tissue injury, a month of rest will surely do that a bit of good too. Right? ::sigh::

A teddy bear

With the 2010 chapter of my life behind me, I am already a few pages into a new one. It didn't take me long to realize that the chapter of 2011 is about new beginnings. Not only is it a new year, but it's also a new decade. Not to mention, I have a fairly new rank to accompany this trend of new beginnings. As a recently minted 4th kyu, I would think, like a coin, my exterior would be all shiny and new. Instead, I get the feeling that I have a rather dull finish. I ask myself how this came to be, but I can't seem to find an answer.

As I stare at my reflection, I realize that I don't look like a shiny new coin at all. Instead, I see….. a stuffed teddy bear. I'm made of worn fabric and I'm being held together by fraying seams. I notice mismatched fabric patches in several locations and I'm showing signs of additional threadbare areas. Then something else catches my eye. What is that? Is that a hole? ::sigh:: Yes, I even have a new hole in my fabric. ::begins shoving the stuffing back inside::

Despite my slightly rough appearance, I don't appear to have been abused or neglected. Instead, it seems that I bear the marks of hard love. It's as if I were the favorite toy of a child that has withstood the test of time (with a little help of course). With each patch I have, it shows the trials and tribulations I have had to overcome. Although my fabric has been pushed beyond its limit, creating worn and torn areas, a patch is there to help reinforce it and make it new once more.

The thread used for my various seams are a kaleidoscope of colors. As my seams become frayed and fall apart, those around me help stitch me back together. Though the sewing may be crude (we can't all be Martha Stewart), and the stitching is never the same color (you make use of what you have at the time), it is done with utmost care.

As I sit and stare at myself in the mirror, I realize how I have changed over the years. I used to look like an average brown teddy bear. You know the type; every kid has one at one point or another. Over the years though, I have acquired a completely new appearance. My plain brown coat has evolved into a coat of colorful patchwork and my dark brown seams have been upgraded to all the colors of the rainbow.

As I continue to stare at the mirror, I take an even closer look at my appearance. One blue patch with white sailboats on it brings back a memory of a lesson with sensei. Something he told me to do countless times with the bokken finally clicked and made sense. As my flashback came to an end, I realized that who I have become has not been a solo project; the entire dojo community played a part.

Sometimes a particular person would push me beyond my limits, ripping a hole in my fabric. When this happens, usually another person is there to help patch me up or stitch me back together again. Occasionally, the person who did the ripping is also the one doing the stitching. Still, I occasionally find myself stitching up my own flaws. After all, you can't always depend on someone else to point out or correct your flaws. Sometimes you have to find and mend them on your own.

As I take one last look at the teddy bear in the reflection, I can't help but conclude that it looks worn out. Although it was done with kindness, it has put up with the rigor of near daily training (and the corrections that come with it) for too long. Like a child's favorite toy, perhaps it has received a bit too much love. As I gaze upon myself, I can feel the various aches and pains that have become a daily accessory, like a wedding band that I never take off. Then somehow, my mind always drifts back to aikido….

As I turn away from the mirror, a smile spreads across my face. Because, despite being worn out, exhausted or full of aches and pains, this teddy bear has a lot of mileage left in it. With each new patch or stitch I receive, I humbly step out on the mat with tangible proof of a new beginning.