Something’s Looming In the Distance

Back in November four of us tested for 5th kyu. I remember being so nervous and worried that I would fail. FAIL…. Uck that is something I am not good at. It has never been something I have been able to swallow. It is something that I have gotten more gracious at, but it still puts a bitter taste in my mouth. I have always approached it as either you are a winner or a loser. If you get second place, that means you are the first place loser. So on that fateful night, I desperately wanted to pass. Or should I say win? After what seemed like forever (about 30 minutes really), I found out that I passed. I won my first battle. I did not get any feedback from sensei, but I was told by a yudansha that it was a good test. Was it truly a good test? I don’t know. He did pull me aside away from all the other testers to tell me so. Did he do it because he thought I could use the boost of confidence or was it truly warranted? Was my test actually good or did it only appear that way because of the abilities of my peers? All I know is that I felt awkward and clumsy during the entire test and I was nervous as hell. At one point while doing gyaku hanmi katatedori uchi kaitenage, my uke rolled away from me prematurely. Surprisingly, I did not panic and just made sure to control my uke better next time. It was my fault after all.

After the test, we went out for pizza and beer. It was a blast and I hope we can do it again after the next test. On the way out, sensei made it a point to say that it wouldn’t be long before we tested for 4th kyu. Ever since that night, talk of 4th kyu has been non-stop. In fact, it seems that most of the classes have been based around 4th kyu test requirements. Sensei is making it a point of catering to at least me and my husband, but I think others might be testing as well. Just last week we were working on tenchinage. At the end of class, sensei looked right at me and said “That is on the 4th kyu test.” I frequently give one of the yudansha a ride to class and he is constantly saying that it won’t be long before we test for 4th kyu. In fact, he let us borrow a dvd of his that has Chiba Sensei and some of his students demonstrating 5th and 4th kyu testing requirements. Everywhere I go, someone or something is reminding me about this 4th kyu test that is looming in the distance. At this point, I can’t really say how close or far off it is, but I’m sure that sensei will wait until he feels we are more prepared for the test (or at least I can hope).

The more people talk about it, the more nervous I am of this looming mountain in the distance. I have tested before and I know what to expect format-wise. I guess I just have a hard time not knowing what the outcome will be. I will be doing techniques that haven’t been tested before, along with some techniques I am familiar with thrown in (or at least I am pretty sure they will be). I don’t feel prepared and in all honesty, I will never feel that way. My techniques are sloppy and I am clumsy as I move about. I stick my elbows out way too much and I am too nice when I am nage. With the passing of each test, my abilities are supposed to increase, which means that each test will be more stringent. The execution of my technique will become more and more critical. Sensei’s leniency to poor and improper execution will decrease. All of these things are expected of course. The question is, am I to that point? I don’t think I am. Do I trust the judgment of sensei and the other yudansha who will tell me when I am ready? Certainly. Do I trust my own judgment and abilities? Absolutely not.

Wow…. I just discovered the main cause of all my problems. I guess it should be no surprise. I have had very little self confidence most of my life. My husband is always scolding me. Telling me to “look at the positives instead of the negatives all the time”. I can’t blame the way I was raised entirely for my lack of self confidence, but it sure does play a big part. When I was younger, my parents were very supportive of me. I was fairly popular in school, got good grades and had plenty of friends. In 5th grade I was attacked by our dog. I had almost 60 stitches put in my face. From that moment on, everything began to change. Instead of having lots of friends, I had few. I was no longer popular. Instead I was teased relentlessly and called names such as “scarface”. My self confidence faded away. Instead of being the bright yellow flower that forced their way through the snow, I was content lying dormant under the snow. At least there I was often overlooked, which meant no teasing.

As I got into high school, my parents became more critical of me. Why did I get a 99 in science class instead of a 100? I was told by my mother that I wouldn’t go to college and that I wasn’t smart enough to be a veterinarian or an attorney. I was naïve then and I took everything she said as gospel. Now that I have a Master’s degree, I feel that I have proven her wrong. I know that I am capable of achieving things. The problem is I still can’t get out of the mindset that I used for so many years. To me, I am still that girl who was teased all those years. I am still that girl who is not capable of attaining greatness. I have gotten to the point that I no longer see myself as ugly. In fact, there are times when I look in the mirror and I’m amazed to see a pretty girl staring back at me, but the confidence I have in my abilities…. it is still fractured beyond repair.

I don’t have enough faith in my abilities and as if that isn’t enough, I question the faith others have in my abilities. If I don’t see greatness within myself, how can I expect others to see greatness in me? I have been told that I have a good trait called humility. Can something as extreme as what I feel even be called humility? I think not. According to the definition in my dictionary, it means the quality of being modest or respectful. When I look up modest, it says: shy-not confident or assertive and tending to be easily embarrassed, humble-unwilling to draw attention to your own achievements or abilities.

Let’s look at these two definitions for a second. I am by no means shy. In fact, I am a fairly outgoing person these days and I can usually strike up a conversation with anyone. So that takes away one description of humble. Now let’s look at the second description of humble. Can you be unwilling to draw attention to your achievements and abilities if you don’t think you have any achievements or abilities to even be humble about (which I don’t)? I don’t think you can. There, I have thus shown enough evidence to scratch modest off as one of the descriptions of humility by showing that I do not have either of those two qualities: shy or humble.

Now to look up respectful: showing appropriate deference and respect. Deference means putting another person’s interest first as well as submission to the judgment, opinion or wishes of another person. I do fit this description rather well. In order to train in anything, you almost have to trust the judgment or opinion of those senior to you or your training will surely end prematurely (assuming you are completely new and have no previous knowledge). When I look up respect, I get several explanations: a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward someone, the state of being admired and lastly, consideration or thoughtfulness. I certainly have a feeling of admiration towards my seniors. I would love to attain their level of proficiency one day. I do not think I myself am in a state to be admired though. I also think I have consideration for those above and below me. Each are to be respected for different reasons, but respected none the less. In the end, I guess I do fulfill the respectful part of the humility definition. So, I guess I am partially humble if you scrutinize it with enough detail.

Wow, I digressed quite a bit there! Back to the topic on hand (the looming test in the distance in case you forgot). There are several things that I am going to make a conscious effort to fix, alter or improve upon. First and foremost, I am going to really make an effort to believe in myself. I think my lack of self confidence is actually hurting my performance in class. In essence, I am holding myself back because I do not have the confidence in my technique. In all actuality, my technique might improve if I were to perform it with the confidence that I am capable of doing it. Perform it without hesitation, second thoughts and questioning every little detail! I’m not saying that I cannot analyze my technique for errors, but don’t go into the technique thinking that something is going to go wrong. Feel it out.

My second task is to use the ground I walk upon for energy. This will actually help cover several more areas that I need to improve upon. Instead of using my upper body, use my center. Using my center will cause me to sink more into my hips, which will then cause me to use my legs more. My legs will then have to rely on the ground to help drive the technique. If this is done, then my entire body will be moving as a single unit. Not only will I be more balanced, but I will also have more oomph to my technique. My last task is to continue to do what I am doing now. Show up, train and have fun. Train in a light hearted manner, but treat training as a serious endeavor. Stop apologizing so much. Continue to work with as many students as possible and listen to what the yudansha tell me. Look for the subtleties that are often lost on unseeing eyes. Stop being so critical of yourself and simply enjoy the ride. Have faith that everything else will fall into place in due time. Oh and one more thing, stop sticking your elbows out so much!


Words by DMX:
One more road to cross, one more risk to take.
Gotta live my life like there’s one more move to make.

Seeing With Your Eyes

Lately, I have been trying to see with my eyes. It sounds so obvious and simple “see with your eyes”, but what I have come to realize is that it isn’t a simple task. Countless people walk around every day seeing, without really seeing anything. They don’t take in their surroundings, as they are only focused on the path directly in front of them. The details of their surroundings melt away, carelessly dismissed. Or perhaps they see, but they deem it useless information and don’t really give it time to process. What a waste of such a beautiful gift. Sight, one of the best assets we have, yet we never really take the time to acknowledge exactly how valuable a tool it is.

I have become conscious of the fact that I myself am quite guilty of not seeing as well as I should. Through my years of martial arts training, I have been taught to be aware of my surroundings and to take in the little details. You know… those little details that could vary well save your life one day. The other day in class, sensei was demonstrating a technique (we were working on irimi and irimi-tenkan against tanto). I carefully watched his every movement. Saw what he did with his hands, saw that he entered. I thought I saw everything to this simple technique. It turns out that I did not see everything. I tossed aside some valuable information. Previously we were both starting in gyaku hanmi. This time we were supposed to start in ai hanmi. When I went to do the technique, I was baffled at the fact that I was ending up no the wrong side of the knife. I knew something was wrong. I tried recalling the details of sensei’s demonstration. Sensei came to my rescue and told me that I needed to start with the other foot forward. The light bulb finally came on.

How could I be so blind? How could I overlook something so important? Sure, what I did got me out of the way of the knife. Sure, I had other techniques that were available to me, but it wasn’t the one I was supposed to be working on. I admonished myself and told myself I would be more aware with the details from now on. Truthfully, this will happen again; just like it has happened several times in the past. I would like to think that I am getting better at taking in the whole picture. In all honesty, there are times where I am so focused on watching what his hands are doing that I forget to see how he started out with his stance. I am able to tell his general movement, but starting out on the wrong foot can make a world of difference.

I am at the point that the first time I try to take in the entire picture. Get the general layout of the technique. The second time, I see what his hands are doing. Is he throwing in an atemi as well? Is he flipping his wrist over at the last second before uke grabs it? The third time, I try to pay careful attention to his footwork. The fourth time I use for whatever I still think I need more information about. It may be looking at the general picture again or it may focus on something particular. It just depends on how familiar I am with the technique. If it is something I have never done before, I may watch uke instead to see how he takes the ukemi. Since I am usually the one being tossed around first, I find this valuable information. Being uke first also allows me to watch nage and have the ability to process the technique a bit more before it is my turn.

Seeing with your eyes…. Something so simple and intuitive, yet we must train ourselves to look for the details. We must not blindly walk through life. Take in, absorb and process your surroundings; both the obvious and the subtle. There is a saying that goes “It’s all in the details.” More and more, I am beginning to see just how accurate of a statement it really is.

Siskiyou Aikikai Dojo Photos

Outside our dojo (it used to be an old church)

A view from the front door

The front of our dojo/ shomen

The back of the dojo

Our rank board and some certificates

Ugly aikido feet

The other day I was in class. At the beginning, we do warm up exercises along with stretches. Well, I was deep in thought while stretching my hamstrings when I looked at my feet that were oh so close to my face. "UCK!" I thought to myself. "I have such ugly aikido feet!" My feet are dry from sliding on the mat (I was taking my second class of the evening), my left pinky toenail is still purple red from stubbing it on the ladder outside the dojo one night in the dark (3 months ago!), my feet are not the soft lovely feet I once had (despite my desperate efforts to keep them moisturized). At this point, sensei has us lay on our backs and raise our legs up into the air in an attempt to touch the mat with our feet behind our head. My feet touch the mat and I continue to think about my ugly aikido feet.

"Ugly aikido feet can't be that bad of a thing.... I mean a lot of work has been put into the current condition of my feet. They have endured almost a year of training that includes approximately 225 hours of aikido and somewhere around 120 hours of iaido and tai chi. That is a lot of time for my feet to be sliding around the rough mats." My thoughts are briefly interrupted as we stand up and start stretching our hands. "I guess like my body, my feet have slowly evolved. They are tougher then they once were, but are still fairly soft and gentle to the touch. They have marks from mat burn that have yet to fade on the tops of my feet that are constant reminders of my awkward and clumsy stage where I could not do shikko to save my life."

As I begin to roll my head in circles, I just can't get my ugly aikido feet out of my mind. That is when I came to a realization. "My ugly aikido feet aren't so ugly after all. They have been shaped and molded through lots of hard work and effort. I'm sure my feet will go through many more transformations as I become even less clumsy and gain more fluidity. These feet of mine got me to the point I am today. They have carried me through not only my aikido journey, but my life's journey as well. My feet are not ugly; they are a thing of unique beauty."

Sensei's clapping drug me out of my thoughts as we all ran to the back of the class eager to watch the first technique that was to be demonstrated to us. I couldn't help but smile to myself as I wondered where else my feet would carry me. Only time will tell.

A penny for your..... "I'm Sorry"

Training has been going well as of lately. It seems like sensei is busy getting several people ready for testing. I'm sure someone will be testing for 5th kyu soon, there are about four of us who may be testing for 4th kyu soon and he is busy getting someone else ready for 1st kyu. For a while we were doing nothing but advanced techniques. Tons of stuff that was way over my head and haven't done. I was working on hanmi handachi and kata-shomen attacks. It was fun to work on these things because I felt absolutely no pressure. However, for the past week, things have been dropped back from fourth gear to first gear. What a joy it has been. Sometimes it is so nice to slow down and be able to work on something more familiar.

Last week was a lovely week of the return to the familiar or at least techniques that are more in my range. Sensei has put a strong emphasis on nikyo and sankyo lately. We worked on them from suwariwaza with attacks from: katadori, shomenuchi, yokomenuchi and kata-shomen. We also worked on them from hanmi handachi as well. Then we finally worked on the two techniques standing. It was a nice blend of training based for us about to test for 4th kyu but also helped the guy about to test for 1st kyu. Obviously, hanmi handachi and kata-shomen attacks aren't on a 4th kyu test.

There was also an entire class based on kokyuho. We worked on it from katadori (ai and gyaku), shomenuchi, yokomenuchi, ryotedori and morotedori. It was nice to work one the one technique and be able to see the similarities between all the attacks. The main thing that I need to work on with this technique is making it more three dimensional. I have a tendency to keep flat as I do the technique instead of having this lovely rising and falling appearance. I know what I am supposed to do and I know how it is supposed to feel, but I just haven't been able to make it muscle memory yet. It comes and goes. I was told during the class that I am too nice. He told me that I actually had to punch with some intent to uke's face and that uke would move. Okay, so the next time I did it, I punched (not terribly hard, but with intent). Uke did not move… and I punched him. Uhm.... this is not helping me. I don't want to hit someone and him not moving isn't helping me get over my not wanting to hit someone fear. When they say things like that to me, it always makes me stop and think. I used to be an aggressive person. I went from that to miss passive. What happened?

Saturday sensei had us work on some ikkyo, shihonage, kotegaeshi, iriminage and he emphasized the importance of kokyu and had us work on building it by doing hand exercises while standing, as well as working on it from suwariwaza kokyuho. At one point, he had me sit in seiza in front of him. He had me put the blade of my hand and my forearms on his chest and told me to push. I pushed and pushed and he would lean in and knock me over. Finally, it occurred to me that I needed to sink into my hips. As soon as I did that, I could easily push him over. He told me that sinking into the hips and having the pressure go through my spine into the floor was the secret for suwariwaza ryotedori kokyuho, as well as lots of other techniques. For quite some time, sensei had us work on suwariwaza kokyuho with each other. I’m still missing something along the way, but I’m sure I will figure it out in time.

Another change in the dojo is the addition of the penny jar. After a bunch of “I’m sorry” statements in the dojo, sensei has decided that we are going to have to get this out of our system. Every time someone says “I’m sorry.” a penny must be put in the jar. Even if an “I’m sorry” is truly warranted, a penny will be put in the jar. Sensei implemented this penny jar on Thursday. I added two pennies that day and on Saturday I had to add two more pennies. At one point in class on Saturday I said “I’m sorry.” and when I realized it, I said “Darn it… I owe a penny.” Sensei heard me and said if that I say that too many times after I am sorry, I am going to have to put a nickel in the jar along with a penny. After class I asked sensei if I could go up into the dojo to add my pennies. He asked me how many I had to put in and I told him two. Sensei was surprised to learn that we have put in about the same amount of pennies. So far, sensei and I are the only two putting pennies in the jar, but I am sure more people will add over time as well. My husband will definitely be adding pennies to the jar because he says it all the time as well. In fact, I am proud that I have only added four pennies. I almost said it to sensei when he was using me to demonstrate something (he was uke). I knocked him down and as I moved in, my knee and his elbow somehow banged together. As I opened my mouth to apologize, I realized my error and shut my mouth. Instead, sensei apologized to me. We just simply smiled at each other as he admonished himself and said he’d have to add a penny to the jar.

After class, we all stood downstairs and chatted for a bit. Our after training chit chat sessions are always one of the best things about Saturday training. It is during these sessions that I often get to hear Chiba sensei stories, talk about training, reminiscing about the past, talking about sake and beer, t-shirts and any other topic that happens to pop into our heads. It is strange how a bunch of random strangers have grown into something that is more like a family. Sensei brought up that one of the female yudansha that used to train has been talking about coming back, but hasn’t come yet. I told him that I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to share the dressing room (as I’m accustomed to having it ALL to myself). For some reason, female students are few and far between at our dojo. There were a few girls when I started and a few joined after me, but I’m the only one left (on a regular basis- one lives in CA and one is in college). I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I can say that I love my dojo and I love training with the guys. I don’t mind that I’m the only female working on the mat!