A Not So Short Story

After my test, I was cruising along the aikido highway in my car, admiring the scenery, listening to Tom Petty's song "I Won't Back Down" when… it happened. I hit a pothole; a large, ugly pothole that shook my car so hard that my tire felt as if it were about to fall off. I cringed at the sound my car was now making. My once happy Cabrio (aka Lil Blue) was now making the most awful sounds. I slow down and carefully pull off the road in order to assess the damage. I get out of my car and tentatively walk towards the left rear tire. I figure, if I approach it slowly and with caution, that maybe, just maybe, it would be alright. I get there and look down; yappari (as I expected), it was ruined. Instead of a tire, I was now the proud owner of what appeared to be rubbergami (rubber origami).

I pop the trunk and dig around inside. Mat for the ground, check. Tire iron, check. Jack, check. Spare tire, uhm…. where is the spare tire!?! I'm now staring at an empty compartment which is supposed to house my spare tire! How can a spare tire just mysteriously disappear! It was there when I got the car and I have never had reason to use it before. As I investigate this compartment, I become convinced there is a second hidden compartment in here somewhere. A crumpled up piece of paper catches my eye. I open it up and scribbled on it in pencil is a note "You won't need a spare tire, so I took it. ~Sensei" My first reaction was hostility. How could he take my tire!?! Then confusion set in. How did he even get into my trunk to take my tire!?! Then sadness took over. How could he do this to me?

I sigh as I sit down on the fender of my car, looking around for help. It seems that this once busy highway has suddenly become desolate. I take my cell phone out of my coat pocket and start to call for help. That is when I realize, I have absolutely no signal. I quickly close the phone and angrily shove it back in my pocket as I kick the dirt with my sneaker. Reality is sinking in; I've hit a pothole, I'm not going anywhere, and I have no one to help me. I sit and stare at the now setting sun, the warm rays are the only blanket of comfort I have. Thoughts flow through my head. Why didn't I see the pothole? Or if I did see the pothole, why didn't it register in my head? If it did register in my head, then why wasn't I able to avoid the pothole? Why did sensei leave me without a spare tire? What am I going to do now?

I open up my phone again, as if magically my husband would call and tell me he is on the way with the spare tire that sensei took from me. Instead, I stare at my hoops & yoyo Thanksgiving wallpaper. Happy Thanksgiving my (_!_). I look out at the setting sun, which is in the direction I had come from. I try to remember if I had passed anything in walking distance. That is when I vaguely remember passing a gas station. Problem was, I recall that being about 50 miles back. I glared resentfully at the sun. It was like it was setting on my past, telling me that I could not go back. That left me with two options: Stay and wait or walk in the direction where I was going. Problem is, I have no idea where I was going; I have never been there before. For all I know, something could be 2 miles away or it could be 70 miles away.

As the sun slipped beneath the horizon, twilight set in. I have always found this light eerie yet beautiful. I despise being alone outside at night, let alone in the middle of nowhere, so I began to get anxious as I tried to figure out what I would do. Since it was getting dark, I decided to stay with the car. Luckily for me, it didn't seem like it would be too cold. I dug around some more in the trunk. I know I have an emergency roadside kit in here somewhere…… AH! I pull out a duffel bag. I take out a few flares and ignite them before setting them behind and in front of my car. I climb back into my car and grab the blanket that I had on the back seat for my dog. As I sat there alone, hunger began to set in. I had one bottle of water that was ¾ full and one black cherry kashi granola bar that was misshapen from being in my purse for the past week. I eat half and force myself to keep the other half for tomorrow. I wrap myself up in the blanket and stare out the windshield.

I am now sitting with nothing but darkness around me. I start the car and my cd starts playing again "Heeeey Baby. There ain't no easy way out. Heeeey I… will stand my ground. And I won't back down. No, I won't back… down." I laugh at the irony. I cripple my tire to a song titled "I won't back down" and here I am sitting, sulking, ready to give in. The music has me feeling a bit better. I check the gas gage and I have about half a tank. I can afford to let it run a bit longer. I recline my seat and curl up. You just gotta love heated leather seats! As I stare out the windshield once more, I finally notice something. The night is full of stars. I have never seen so many bright shiny stars in my life! I begin to count, but I realize it is a futile endeavor. I find myself wishing I had my camera. This would be an AMAZING shot with a long exposure. I stare at it, hoping to burn this beautiful image into my brain forever.

After a while, I decide that it is best for me to turn off my engine. I make sure the doors are locked and I lay there waiting for sleep to overcome me. Next thing I know, I wake up with the sun shining directly on my face. I groggily open up my eyes…. and reach for my sunglasses. For a second I think about going back to sleep, then I realize I am on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I quickly sit up and throw the blanket off of me. The clock says 7:37 a.m. I hurry up and chow down my meager breakfast of half a kashi bar and drink a bit of water. I grab the blanket, put my water in my purse and climb out of the car. I make sure I have everything that I "think" I could need and lock the doors. I begin to set out towards the rising sun.

Every so often, I pull my phone out and check for signal. I try to find things to do to entertain myself, but instead all I can think about is how I got in this situation. My calm composure quickly turns into agitation and before I know it, I am fuming all over again about how sensei took my spare tire. As I walk, I contemplate about a lesson. Is this some sort of strange method of teaching me something? Am I Daniel-san in the Karate Kid? Something reflecting catches my eye. I look down and realize it is a smooth, white rock. I pick it up and form a fist around it. It feels warm in my hand. I bring my arm back and throw it as hard and far as I can. This causes me to drop my blanket in the dirt. I pick it back up and shake the dirt off, which of course flies back into my eyes. Great, now I am lost and can barely see.

I continue walking again, squinting all the while. A lot of good my sunglasses did with keeping the dirt out of my eyes. I then begin to think about the effectiveness of safety glasses, at least I did until I realized how much a nerd I was being. I quickly pushed that out of my thoughts and began to sing Lady Gaga. "When you give me k-kisses, that's money, honey. When I'm your lover and your mistress. That's money, honey. When you touch me it's so delicious. That's money, honey. When you tear me to pieces. That's money honey." Next thing I know, I see that damn white rock again. I pick it up, but this time I put it in my pocket. I figured it must have been fate for me to find it a second time. That and I didn't want to get more dirt in my eyes. The sting from the dirt had finally begun to fade.

It seems like I have been walking forever. I dig through my purse for my burts bees lip balm. I pull it out and put some on. As I put it back into my purse, I realize I have some sweet mint trident gum in my purse too, so I pop a piece into my mouth. At least now I have minty fresh breath and my mouth won't be so dry and ucky. I look up at the sun. It is pretty high in the sky now, so it must be close to noon. That means I have been walking for three hours and I have yet to find anything! I take a few swigs of warm water, which does nothing to quench my thirst. I take out my phone expecting to be disappointed again, but to my surprise, I have a text message. I open it up. It is a message from my hubby and it says "Are you alright? I haven't heard from you since yesterday."

I start to dial the area code and then the signal goes away. A few obscenities flow out of my mouth. I can't help but notice when I say things like that because it is very unnatural for me. Those words just aren't in my daily vocabulary. Oddly enough though, they sounded perfectly natural just then. I look around, hoping for a cell tower nearby or at least something high to stand on (or jump off of if I don't get signal). No such luck. I begin to run; towards what, I have no idea. My sneakers smacking the pavement and my junk rattling in my purse are the only things I hear. Tears begin to fall and pretty soon my cheeks are wet and my lips are salty. My bitter tears only cause me to run faster. Maybe if I run fast enough, I can outrun my problems. No such luck; I trip over my blanket and fall to the ground. I lie there in a heap, crying. I just want to get home. I don't want to be lost anymore…..

I laid there until all the tears I had to cry were cried. The one thing I hate about crying is that you are left with a stuffy nose, not to mention you look like crap. I pick myself up from the ground, not even bothering to wipe the dirt and gravel off of my jeans or hoodie. I suddenly remember that I had my phone in my pocket. I pull it out and expect the worst. I stare at the back of the phone, too afraid to turn it over and see how cracked the front screen is. I run my fingers over the screen. I don't feel a crack…. I turn the phone over. The screen is intact. The second test is whether it actually works or not. I decide to just open it. I figured it would be like a band-aid. Just rip it off and get the pain over with.

To my astonishment, not only does the phone work, but I have two bars! I quickly dial my husband and then bring my head down to the phone. I am too afraid to move it, figuring I may have found the holy grail of phone reception in this tiny spot and if I move it, it may very will disappear to never be found again. I anxiously wait while the phone dials. It rings once. Twice. A third time. Then a fourth time. I hear my husband's voice on the phone. Disappointment takes over when I realize it is just a recording. I leave him a message telling him I have no idea where I am, but I tell him how I got to where I was. I told him I was on a highway with no mile post markers, so I had no idea how far I had gone from my car. I then hung up. Who else can I call? The rest of my family lives over 3,000 miles away! AAA? That would work if I had their number…..

Suddenly, this awful deafening sound comes out from nowhere. I cover my ears with the blanket and my hands and desperately look around for the source. Nothing. I am all alone in a wasteland with an ear piercing sound that is coming from nowhere. My surroundings are becoming blurry. What is wrong with me? I drop to my knees and then lay down in the fetal position. My head feels as if it going to explode if the sound doesn't stop soon. I press my hands harder against my head in an attempt to make the pain stop. My right hand touches something warm and moist. Am I bleeding? Am I going to die? Despite the pain, I pull my hand away from my ear. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see it isn't blood. It is only then that I realize I am crying. My breaths are becoming quicker and shallower. I know I'm about to pass out. That will be a welcome reprieve from this pain.

I open my eyes to complete darkness. The sound is still going off, but it isn't as loud or as painful anymore; just annoying. For a second, I am confused. I don't recognize where I am. That is when I realize I am home, in bed and my alarm has been going off. I reach up and quickly turn it off. I never knew technology could cause so much pain. I squint at the blue screen on my clock, trying to make out the blurry numbers. 3:24 a.m. Why did my alarm go off? It is Saturday night and Sunday is my day to sleep in. I roll over and see the comfort that I so desperately wanted in my dream. My husband is sleeping ever so peacefully. I watch him take slow breaths and wonder how the hell he managed to sleep through that noise.

I begin to slide over to him in an attempt to calm myself. About half way over, I realize my pillow is soaking wet. Oh no, my ears were bleeding! I bring my shaky hand up to my face, which is cold and clammy. I lick my lips; salt. I must have been crying in my sleep. I hurry up and flip my pillows over before I freak myself out again and wiggle my way into his arms. I sigh, my body feels suddenly heavy. It was as if I had been in a battle and could finally rest in the arms of the one I loved. I have always said that I knew we were meant to be because I fit so perfectly in his arms. It is the one place where I have always felt safe and loved.

With that, I fall back into a deep, restful sleep. I can feel the warm sun shining on my face. I open my eyes, feeling quite rested. I expected to see my loving husband looking at me. Instead, sensei is standing there, looking down at me. I close my eyes and groan. You never go back to the same dream when you wake up from a pleasant dream….. only the nightmares. This time is different though, I know I am dreaming and I feel as if I can somehow control the outcome of this dream. I look up at sensei and ask point blank why he would take my tire. He just smiled and said that I didn't need a spare. He offered his hand to help me up. I reached out to take it and then changed my mind. I didn't need his help. Okay, so I did, but I was too hurt and full of pride at the moment to accept it.

I looked around, expecting to see his car somewhere, but despite all my searching, I came up with nothing. I looked at sensei, waiting for a magical answer, but he didn't reply. Tired of these games, I began to walk towards where I have never been. I look over and sensei is walking beside me. At least I have company this time. A long time went by without any conversation. I began to get hungry and my stomach rumbled. Sensei reached in his pocket and pulled out a clear container that held sushi. I gave him a strange look, but he again offered me the sushi. I happily took it and quickly began shoving the sushi in my mouth. There is a time for manners and there is a time when they should be thrown out the window. I decided this was a time when they could be abandoned. By the time I was full, I ate about half of the sushi. I told sensei he could have the rest.

Sensei then held out a bottle of water. I held the bottle above my mouth and poured some in. Ice cold water slid down my throat. It was exactly what I needed. I handed him back the water bottle and told him I appreciated him sharing his food and water with me. He nodded. I couldn't take the silence anymore. I decided I would talk. I took a deep breath and told him that my previous dream was a lesson. He peered over at me out of the corner of his eye. I knew I was on the right track. I told him that things were going great; until they weren't. I told him how I had hit a pothole that damaged my car and that I couldn't go any further. He looked forward again. I guess I took a wrong turn somewhere in the conversation. I took a few seconds to compose my thoughts and told him that this experience has made me realize a few things when it comes to aikido.

Sensei turned to face me. I was on the right track again. I told him that right before the test and right after the test I felt like I was on the right path. I felt like things were going smoothly (more or less) and that I had begun to get some confidence in a few techniques. I explained that I was doing alright until testing for 4th kyu soon became more of a reality. I told him that I noticed we were doing a lot of nikyo and sankyo in class lately, which is on the 4th kyu test. I told him that I was having problems with nikyo in particular. He nodded in reply. I told him that I had hit an awful, ugly pothole that shook me. My progression has seemed to stop altogether, or at least it felt like it. Sensei looked at me. His expression was one of sadness. I told him that the only thing I could do was keep showing up to class and keep training.

This statement seemed to please him. I told him that maybe I am making micro mini steps forward. Steps so tiny, that I can not see my own progression. Sensei smiled a great smile and said something that seemed so profound in that moment- everyone hits potholes sometimes. It may slow you down, but as long as you continue to push forward, that is what counts. Suddenly it dawned on me. That is exactly what I am doing. I was cruising along in a car on the highway. I hit a pothole and could no longer go that fast. I had to pull over. I didn't have a spare tire, so I had to decide whether to stay put or walk. I chose to walk. I chose to persevere. I chose to grow instead of just wilting away to nothing. I was so proud of myself for figuring out this little puzzle. All I could do was smile.

Sensei motioned to a dirt path that led away from the road. I followed his dust trail to an old ford pickup truck. Sensei motioned for me to get in. I happily obliged. I hopped in, shut the door and buckled up. He started up the truck and the radio came on. Chumbawamba's song "Tubthumping" was playing mid chorus. I had to laugh at the song, because it just fit the moment so well. As we pulled out onto the highway, I turned and asked sensei why he decided to give me a ride. He went on to explain that there are times that a student must travel alone, but there are also times when a teacher can travel with his student. Timing; it's all about timing. With that, there was only one thing left to do; sing. "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down!"

A New Experience

This weekend was a LONG weekend for me. Friday night I helped with a seminar hosted by SCAI (I am a board member). My duty was to assist with photography (which I love doing!) Shozo Sato Sensei gave an interesting talk about "Active Empty Space" and how it is utilized in art (shodo and sumi-e). Saturday I got up at 7:15 a.m. in order to go to iaido and aikido class. Iaido went well. For aikido we worked on: uchikaiten sankyo, iriminage, kotegaeshi and a variation of sumiotoshi all from tsuki. Aikido was an abbreviated class because we had to transform the dojo into a place that would hold the shodo and sumi-e workshop that SCAI was hosting.

As soon as class was over, we pulled out a tarp and covered up the mats. Sensei then had 3 of us walk to this church a couple blocks away to pick up these heavy metal tables so we could carry them back to the dojo. Let me tell you… those tables were abnormally heavy! It didn't help that I am shorter then the other people who were carrying the tables, so I had to lift the table up more then they did so it wouldn't drag on the ground. By the time we got those tables back to the dojo my poor arms were tired. We then set the tables up on bean bags to prevent them from damaging the mats and then placed thick mats around for the chairs to be set upon. We then brought in all the chairs. At this point I was able to take a break and I hurried up and chowed down my Olive Garden salad that I had brought with me (knowing I wouldn't be leaving the dojo till after 5 and I ate breakfast at 7:30 a.m.)

By this time Shozo Sato had arrived and I began to help finish setting up the dojo (put felt down on all the tables, set out paper towels on each table, put a bucket in the back of the room for inky water. My sensei took me downstairs and gave me some of his personal sumi-e brushes, ink well and dishes to use and then had me set up my spot right next to him. It wasn't long after that, that people began to arrive. The next four hours were a blur as we all worked diligently on the formal style of calligraphy (we had 5 characters we were each writing). I found out that I really enjoy doing calligraphy, but discovered that I am horrid at it. Shozo Sato walked around the room and helped each student. He would put his hand on top of yours and help you write the character(s) that you were working on. It was great to get the feel of the stroke. He kept saying writing calligraphy is like dancing, but this dance just kept eluding me! Practice, practice, practice…

Sunday I arrived at the dojo at 8:30 to help prepare for the second day of the seminar. There wasn't really too much to do though, which was good because I was still half asleep. Today we were going to work on the semi-formal style of writing and we would be doing the same characters that we had been working on the day before. It is basically the equivalent of writing partly in print and partly in cursive. I had a bit of trouble at first, but by the end of the day I was really starting to get the feeling of it. I had begun to flow and my strokes began to have varying widths to them. After trying both styles of writing, I have decided that I like the semi-formal method of writing better then the traditional form. I am seriously considering taking up shodo as a hobby. The only problem is it is expensive to start out. A good quality brush is about $50 and then you have to get ink, an inkwell, paper, books, a paper weight, felt, etc. Maybe I will put a few things on my Christmas list.

Once the seminar came to an end, the clean-up process began. I went around and collected everyone's trash and put it in the recycling bin. I went around and picked up all the felt, took down the tables, picked up the bean bags and began stacking up the chairs. Thankfully, sensei said we would be taking the tables to the church in his minivan, because my arms and shoulders were sore from lifting the day before. I ended up running to the church though because he had to pick someone else up first. Running two blocks doesn't seem like much, but I was huffing and puffing a bit by the time I got there (partly because I was determined to beat them there). I despise running. I am always congested due to my allergies and when I run, my nose gets runny and my mouth and throat get all yucky from the drainage. Kind of hard to breathe with all of that in your nose and throat! I tried to be all nonchalant about it as I helped unload the tables and carry them into the churches storage area though. I thought I was going to have to run back (oh dread…) but the other guy said he would walk since it was so nice out.

Once we got back to the dojo, I helped load up all the chairs into the minivan. I asked sensei if he needed help unloading them, but he declined saying that I had done enough. The truth is, I would have gladly done more. The price of this two day seminar was around $300 and he let me attend for free. I had shown interest in it, but with the recent move, my husband and I just don't have the cash. Sensei, out of the kindness of his heart invited me to attend anyway and offered me a full scholarship. My husband says that sensei is fond of me. That may be true, but it certainly isn't because of my aikido skills. I know that I am not a great student, but I am a dedicated student and I think that plays a part. After everyone left I took some photos of the dojo. I couldn't help but look around and notice the "active empty" space that I had learned about this weekend.

I finally got home around 2:30 and then proceeded to finish up two loads of laundry that my husband wasn't able to get to. At one point I heard the washer sounding like it was unbalanced so I walked upstairs. I discovered that the leveler thingy came out from under the washer. There wasn't much I could do about it, so I watched the washer until it was done. I then went to go back downstairs…. only I didn't get there the way I planned. Somehow my foot slipped out from under me (I was in the process of stepping down and had one foot on the step and the other was in the air). Next thing I know I fall on my butt and bump and slam my way down about eight steps before I manage to stop myself. I sat there on the landing grabbing my butt as my faithful shih tzu (who witnessed the entire ordeal as she was going down the steps next to me) looks at me like "What the hell is your problem?" HAHA. Now, you may be asking "Why didn't you grab the banister?" Well, it isn't up at the moment because we had to take it down when we moved in because the furniture wouldn't make it up the stairs with it up. Putting it up to take it back down to move out and then putting it back up again will most likely make the holes in the wall big, so we have decided to keep it down. Anyway, I am fine. I had a sore butt, but other then that I was alright. I just relaxed and went with it. It could have been a lot worse (could have smacked my head or tumbled down the stairs), so I am not really complaining about it.

To close this entry, I learned a few things this weekend: the first is that backwards ukemi is quite useful when falling down stairs (I have now tested my ukemi being thrown at about 25 mph, slipping on ice, falling off of a roof and falling down stairs). I have discovered that falling really isn't that big of a deal anymore provided you stay relaxed and don't panic. Those are easier said then done, but I have managed to do both of those each time I have fallen. The second thing I learned is that shodo has great similarities with aikido and iaido. All are a beautiful dance and require perfect technique and timing. Like the sword, you must not hold the brush too tightly or too loosely. The brush is a bird that you must hold firmly enough so as to not allow it to fly away, but loose enough so that it isn't being crushed by your hands. It requires a firm, yet relaxed hand and the utmost concentration. Like aikido, shodo requires the ability to maintain constant fluidity. The brush needs to be able to move freely in all directions. The brush is constantly going up and down, left and right, and it's frequently moving towards and away from the paper in an attempt to add more or less pressure as necessary.

Like both arts, shodo requires a proper stance and breathing is of utmost importance. These are just a few of the similarities between them. I am not saying that practicing shodo will necessarily improve my martial arts abilities, but I am saying that there are a lot of concepts that are similar. Take the time to look around you and see the similarities that exist between aikido and your daily life. If you can learn to recognize or carry a concept you learned from aikido over to another area of your life, then you will be constantly enriching yourself. Before you know it, you will be practicing aikido in all aspects of your life without even being cognizant of it. That is what makes aikido so beautiful. In the end, don't we all want to be able to effortlessly dance our way through life; adapt at a moments notice and modify our steps to accommodate the change in music that life so often throws at us?

A bit of humor

I came across this on the web and found it to be pretty funny. Thought I would inject a little bit of humor into your life. :O)

Taking it up a notch

Well, now that the test is behind me, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel more relaxed, yet still focused. It is weird though, because it is a different kind of focus. I can’t really describe what the difference between the two is, but they are definitely different. I guess maybe the added pressure changed things. Either way, I am now ready to face new challenges and to push myself even further. Contentment is the gateway to laziness, which can lead to dormancy, which often ends with a training plateau. So, to prevent anything like this from happening, I have been making short term goals that will help me attain my long term goals. I can’t quite go into details as to what my goals are at the moment though, because I am still in the process of defining them. At some point though, they will be posted in a blog because I find that seeing them helps me put them into action easier then just thinking about them. Well, that is enough about that, let me get back to class.

Tuesday’s class started off a little laid back. We did our usual warm-ups, then sensei had us work on rocking back (backwards ukemi from sitting) and then had us rock side to side so we would end up slapping with our hand and foot like we just landed from a breakfall. Sensei was explaining how important this was incase you are thrown into a breakfall and he then explained that if nage holds you up off the mat as you land, this will force you to take a breakfall. He then looked at me and held out his right wrist. I had no idea what he wanted me to do, (all I knew was that I was going to end up in a breakfall) so I just grabbed with my left hand. I see him begin to turn and I follow him. Next thing I know, I am flipping in the air and land in a breakfall. I’m not really sure how I got there; all I know is that he held me up off the floor. One thing I do know is that I landed rather nicely, which is always nice when he is using me to make a point or demonstrate something. I’m guessing this mini-session was geared towards the current 2nd kyu’s; as the yudansha should know this and us 5th kyu’s don’t really take breakfalls. After this, class began to raise in difficulty.

The 2nd kyu’s are going to test for 1st kyu soon (either around Thanksgiving or around Christmas), so now sensei has begun gearing classes more towards them. He told us point black on Tuesday night that this class was for those testing for 1st kyu. Most of the people in class were okay with the techniques because they were either 2nd kyu or yudansha; however there were three 5th kyu’s in class. Because of that, the class was definitely challenging for us lower rankers. The techniques themselves weren’t really that hard, but instead of being stagnant, we were told to be dynamic and to keep uke on the move constantly via the use of circles or figure eights. Though the class was a bit over my head, I found myself having fun. Instead of hurrying along, I tried to go slow, yet maintain the fluidity that was being asked of me. I’m not so sure I was successful, as I found myself stopping at times, but I wasn’t breaking the technique down as much I do sometimes. Some of the techniques we did were: Kaitenage, ikkyo, nikyo, kokyuho and perhaps a few other things.

There was also a potential new student who was also there watching class. At the end of class, while we were doing suwariwaza kokyuho, sensei went over and talked to her. I overheard him tell her (we were right next to them on the mat) that if she were to join class, the class wouldn’t be this advanced. He explained that there were no beginner’s in the class at this moment and that the typical beginner’s classes aren’t usually like this. I’m not really sure if she is going to come back or not. It would be interesting having another female around. I’m the only female student that comes on a regular basis. Truth be told though, it is kind of nice being the only female. Working with guys is a lot of fun!

Last night was an interesting evening. I was the only student who showed up for the first hour of class. Sensei asked me if it would be okay if we only trained for a half hour and then cleaned the dojo the rest of class (we have a seminar/workshop this weekend). I told him it wouldn’t be a problem. He had me grab a bokken and we worked on conditioning, cutting, as well as draws. He gave me a few things that I need to watch and told me of a few things I could do at home or in the dojo in front of the mirror. It was really nice to have his undivided attention. He watched me carefully and told me when my angles were a little off, or that I needed to turn my hips a bit more or a bit less. The rest of the class I was downstairs washing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen area. I don’t really see a problem with that either. As a student, I should be more then willing to help with the upkeep of the dojo. As a board member, it is also my responsibility to help prepare for things such as this workshop with Shozo Sato Sensei on Saturday. So, the way I see it, I have double the responsibility and am more then willing to do my fair share of things around the dojo. Over the years, I have come to realize that you not only have to show respect towards your sensei and your fellow students, but you also have to have respect for the dojo. Luckily for me, I have understood this concept from the time I was a white belt in aikijitsu, so I don’t have problems with it like some other people do.

For the second hour of class, one other student showed up (yudansha). After our warm-ups, sensei had us do katadori ikkyo (omote & ura), nikyo (omote & ura) and sankyo (omote & ura) from suwariwaza. About ten minutes into class, sensei told us that unfortunately he had to go home to elevate and ice his knee as it was spasming very badly. Sensei asked us to stay and work on nikyo and sankyo (ura & omote) from various attacks. So, we worked on both from standing from katadori, shomenuchi and yokomenuchi attacks for the remainder of the class. I haven’t really done nikyo and sankyo too often in class, as we tend to do ikkyo, iriminage, kokyuho and shihonage the most, so it was nice to work on techniques that I am absolutely atrocious with. I don’t think it is a coincidence that he has me working on nikyo and sankyo all of the sudden as they are on the 4th kyu test. I have no clue when he wants me, my husband and possibly the two other 5th kyu’s (who tested in March) to test for 4th kyu, but I am hoping it isn’t anytime soon. I would really like to get a better grasp of the things on the 4th kyu test and I would like to improve upon the techniques I was just tested on last week. I’m hoping that it isn’t until sometime next year, but I guess you never really know what is going through a sensei’s mind…….

Testing Your Metal (Mettle)

I thought I would post this essay my sensei wrote several years ago. I had read it once before, but when I read it the day before I took my first test in aikido, it had a whole new meaning. It really helped me put things in perspective and I figured it may be just the thing someone else needs to read. Enjoy!


Testing Your Metal (Mettle)
Darrell Bluhm, Chief Instructor, Siskiyou Aikikai, Ashland,Oregon

The most critical phase in making a sword is when the sword is heat treated or quenched. This is the stage in which the curvature of the blade and hardening of the cutting edge are established, and resiliency of the blade reinforced. The process involves coating the blade with clay in a prescribed fashion (thickest toward the back, thinnest along the cutting edge), then heating the blade to a critical temperature and plunging it into water. The differential rate of cooling of the metal that happens due to the varying thickness of clay creates the curvature of the blade and hardens the edge while maintaining a softness and toughness in the remaining part of the blade. This event is the make it or break it point in the sword making process.

At the moment the blade is quenched all of the hours of smelting and forging and shaping that have gone into the metal can be lost, because the blade can break if the smith errs in judging the temperature (too hot) or has inadequately forged the metal. The blade may survive the quench but the curvature desired may not result due to error in temperature (not hot enough) or in applying the clay. The critical nature of this event cannot be underestimated. Swordsmith Michael Bell asserts that the moment of quenching is when the sword takes on its character or soul. It is a moment of truth in the life of the sword that brings together all the elemental forces: Metal, Water, Wood, Fire, and Earth.

The testing process in Aikido bears parallels with the quenching of a sword. As described above, the moment of quenching tests the swordsmith's skill and the strength of the metal's forging . While there are opportunities to confirm the quality of a student's training in the context of daily practice, there is particular opportunity in kyu and dan examination to assess the student's forging process as well as the teacher's skill in transmitting the technical elements of Aikido. The quenching of a sword occurs once in the life of the sword while an Aikido student will mark their progress with many tests and each one can have a formative impact on the student's development. The failure of a sword to survive the quenching process is a much more definitive failure than failing a kyu or dan exam. If the blade cracks the metal must be scrapped and the process begun anew. Failure of an exam, however, does not necessitate seppuku . Both events invite scrutiny to determine the cause of the failure. The sword of course has no means for self-examination, so the reflection is the responsibility of the smith. However, both student and teacher must account for their responsibility in the success or failure of an examination.

The ability to evaluate a kyu or dan test is not based on as concrete a set of criteria as with the sword, it is by nature subjective and complex. The swordsmith must develop the skill to prepare the blade (forge, shape, apply clay, heat to the specific temperature) to enter the water and emerge transformed (from undifferentiated, straight piece of forged steel to a curved, edge hardened, tough bodied blade ready to be polished). The teacher of Aikido must develop the skill to prepare students to meet the challenge of a testing situation and emerge enriched from the experience, sometimes through passing, sometimes by not passing.

As quenching the sword is a make it our break it moment in the making of the sword, the experience of participating in and passing or failing a kyu or dan test can be critical to a student's (and teacher's) development. The responsibility to recognize the readiness of a student for testing is a shared responsibility of teacher and student, yet there are times the teacher must encourage or discourage testing to serve the needs of a student's training process. Over the years that I have conducted tests in my own dojo and participated as a member of the teaching committee for the USAF Western Region, I have come to appreciate the opportunity for growth that testing can provide as well as gained respect for hazards inherent in testing. The decision to take a test, which is based in part on the number of training hours accrued, is not a simple consideration. Acknowledging a break-through in a student's practice can sometimes be best accomplished by creating the opportunity for them to test. At times, when I have not created that opportunity, a student has remained frozen in their progress or given up their practice altogether. At other times, students have tested prematurely and the ensuing frustration or discouragement has led to a rift in their training. This is similar in nature to recognizing when the metal is at the right temperature to plunge into the water. If the metal is too hot the blade breaks, if it is not hot enough, nothing happens.

Preparation for examinations is the shared responsibility of the teacher, students and senior members in the dojo. One of the most valuable benefits of conducting tests in one's dojo is that it fosters conditions for free practice and a deeper exchange amongst senior and junior students. It is important to make clear that advancement in rank in Aikido brings increased responsibility for the care of others in the dojo. One important way that care is expressed is through helping one's juniors and peers train in preparation for testing.

If I observe a student mistaking advancement in rank as a means for increased privilege rather than responsibility, I may use the testing situation to adjust their attitude. Technical proficiency is not the primary determinant in success or failure in the testing process (although it is an important factor). The test can expose strengths and weakness in levels of conditioning, attention to space, sensitivity to others and important qualities of character. The evaluation of any test must be predicated on seeing the individual student in light of their strengths and challenges and not by means of comparison with others or a rigid ideal. Factors of age, personal history, contribution to the care of the community and dojo and commitment to training are important considerations in evaluating an individual's test and promotion in rank. Of course, individuals that are testing for rank that are also actively teaching or seeking to become teachers must be evaluated by stricter standards.

The function of testing in Aikido must be understood relative to two domains, that of the individual within the art and that of the art within which the individual practices. Testing should serve the individual and serve the art. One expression of a spiritual perspective is gratitude for the past, service to the present and responsibility to the future. The student's struggle to perfect the forms that have been passed on to them honors the efforts of O-Sensei and countless individuals whose lives have contributed to the development of Aikido. In the present, testing serves participants as an opportunity for learning under more intense conditions than in daily practice. In that testing is both reflective and rigorous, it addresses our responsibility to the future of Aikido, providing a means to maintain high standards for the transmission of the art.

The transmission of any art is dependent on a vital teacher-student connection and the testing process must affirm that link. The teacher-student relationship exists within a community of dojo, organization of affiliation and ultimately the whole Aikido community. The ranking process must reflect the reciprocal accountability that exists between members of a community. Testing is always a very personal experience and by necessity public, and both aspects should be acknowledged. Aikido testing brings together all the elements of human relationship; relationship to past, present and future, as well as relationship to self, teacher and community.

© Darrell Bluhm 1998

Journey to 5th Kyu

Started Aikido: March 3, 2009
Date 5th kyu obtained: November 5, 2009
Number of students tested: 4 (2 males, 2 females)
Number of students passed: 4
Number of uke’s utilized: 2 (switched uke’s half way through test)
Techniques on 5th kyu exam: (may not be all inclusive)
~ Katatedori ai hanmi- ikkyo (omote & ura), shihonage (omote & ura), iriminage,
~ Katatedori gyaku hanmi- uchi & soto kaitenage, iriminage, kokyuho
~ Katadori- ikkyo (suwariwaza- omote & ura)
~ Ryotedori- kokyuho (suwariwaza)
~ Shomenuchi- ikkyo (suwariwaza- omote & ura)

Number of Aikido classes attended: 119
Total hours trained in Aikido: 159.5
Total hours trained in Iaido: 46
Total hours trained in Tai Chi: 26
Most hours trained in one week: 7 ½ (Aikido), 10 ½ (Total)
Most hours trained in one month: 27 (Aikido), 41 (Total)
Number of journal entries: 39
New equipment obtained/purchased:
~ Gi
~ Bokken with saya
~ Iai obi
~ Hakama (borrowed from sensei)

5th Kyu Test

Well, today I had my test for 5th kyu. I was a bit nervous, but I kept telling myself I had no reason to be. Sensei had the four of us line up and then had our ukes line up behind us. I was glad to see that my uke was someone that I have gotten to know a lot better lately since we have been giving him rides to class. This person has helped me a lot in class and I am glad that they were part of my test. Sensei had us start of with suwariwaza katadori ikkyo and shomenuchi ikkyo.

We then moved to standing techniques. We did shihonage, iriminage, kokyuho, uchi and soto kaitenage and ikkyo. We did a couple of these from different attacks as well. I felt pretty good with the terminology and I didn't really have to take the time to think about what technique was being asked of me. I tried my best to remain centered and keep everything I had been told over the past months in my head, but I know that I wasn't able to remember everything. I guess I was a bit naive, but I thought that we would only be doing the technique four times. I was wrong! We did each of the techniques several times (which makes sense since sensei had to watch four of us).

Not too long into the test, I had begun to run my poor uke ragged! He was breathing pretty hard and I just kept putting him into more kaitenage's since that was what we were doing. I saw he was breathing hard and I attempted to slow the throw down, but you can only do so much. Finally, sensei looked over at us and said "You two can sit down while I watch the others." At this point, sensei had us change uke's. I guess to see if uke was making a difference in the way we were doing things. We ended the test with suwariwaza ryotedori kokyuho.

Eventually sensei had us line back up. He then had us do some other techniques with the rest of the class: morotedori kaitenage and ryotedori tenchinage and kokyuho again. He came around and helped people and answered questions that they had. I don't know if he was watching us more or if he just wanted us to get more practice in (since we were having class until 7)

After that, he had us line up again to prepare to bow out. He told us that testing is an individual event and that you cannot compare two people against one another, let alone two people's tests. He said that he looked at where you started and where you are when you test. At this point, I thought to myself "Uh oh.... someone or multiple people did not pass the test. He then went on to tell us a few more things before he had us sit and meditate. I had too many thoughts in my head to meditate. Instead, I prayed. I was convinced that I didn't pass and I prayed for the strength to deal with this failure, the composure to deal with it, the ability to get over it and continue to train and more importantly, I prayed that I would be happy for my husband.

Sensei then told us that everyone had passed. Whew! A feeling of relief swept over me. He then said "We have a lot of work to do." He didn't go into detail about what needs to be fixed, but I am hoping that sometime in the near future I will be able to get some feedback from him. We all gathered into a circle and bowed to thank eachother. After, several people came up to congratulate us and I got hugs from a few people. I also made sure to sincerely thank my uke's (who probably made me look better then I was).

As I was about to walk out of the dojo, one of my sempai (sandan) lightly hit me a few times and motioned me over to a corner. I walked over. He told me that I had a good test and that the basic fundamentals that were being looked for were there. He told me to keep up the good work and continue training. That really meant a lot to me because he is one of the people there I admire. His aikido is so fluid and effortless. That was the best compliment that I received tonight in my opinion.

After the test, sensei, his wife, their two sons and the four of us who tested all went out for pizza. It was a great way to end the night. Good pizza, cold beer, relaxing atmosphere and great conversation. It was nice to chat and get to know everyone a bit better. At one point, testing came up during dinner. I asked sensei "Well, we won't have to test again for a while right?" Sensei looked at me and my husband and said "You two are close to testing for 4th kyu." YIKES! We just took a test and another is on the way!?!

As we walked of the restaurant, sensei asked us how we felt we did. I hesitated for a moment and then said I thought I did okay. Howard then went on to give his opinions on how he felt. All in all, the test really wasn't so bad. Once the test began, I was so focused on what I was doing that I wasn't nervous anymore. It was just me and my uke. No sensei, no other students testing and no students sitting out watching me test. As far as I'm concerned, my uke and I were in that dojo all by ourselves. Now as I sit here on my couch, I can't help but try to remember all the details. I try, but I just can't. I guess I am just mentally exhausted at this point. Time to recharge my batteries!

Darkness

Imagine being in a room you are somewhat familiar with. You have a general idea of where things are and you could go and get something if someone asked it of you. Now, imagine that same scenario, except the room is pitch black. You can no longer see the room well enough to navigate; you have lost your sense of direction. You are left with nothing but your memory, which you just can't seem to recall with much clarity. All you have is what little muscle memory you have from walking around that room from time to time. This is how I feel with my 5th kyu exam a day away. I have never had to grade before. In all my previous years of training, I never tested. The rank was awarded to you when they though you earned it.

::cue dream sequence:: The one time I had to test was for a patch. You had to go out in front of the entire dojo by yourself and do a kata (Shaolin Strike Kata #1). Once you finished, the class, one by one then told you what you did wrong. Once everyone gave their opinions, my teacher would then decide if you had earned the patch. I was a green belt at this time and this was the very first kata I had learned. So, I had been doing this kata for over a year. I pretty much knew this kata in and out. I could do it forward, backward and if you called out a number (there were 21 moves), I could easily do that move without thought. In fact, I had already performed this kata alone in front of everyone in the past without a problem. The fact that I was being tested changed everything! My confidence in my abilities suddenly flew out the window. I was nervous and my memory completely left me. If it weren't for me being able to do the kata without thinking about it, I probably would have just stood there in the ready position staring at my sensei. Turns out, I did just fine and I didn't get any negative feedback at all. I passed and received my patch. They complimented me on how well I did and that I showed great composure. The truth is, I was shaking in my gi! I was so scared that my body was still shaking even when the second hour of class had begun! ::dream sequence over::

At this moment, if you were to ask me to do a given technique for my upcoming exam, I would be able to do it. My technique wouldn't be perfect (which is expected), but I could do it. The problem is, I just can't help but think back to how I felt testing for that patch. That was just one kata and I had been doing that kata for over a year. I have not been doing all these techniques I'm being tested on for over a year. I'm afraid that when the test comes, it will be as if someone turns out the lights and the somewhat familiar suddenly seems so unfamiliar. I'm afraid that I will be fumbling around in the dark, stubbing my toe while looking for the light switch. I have never been fond of the dark. I have always said "I am not afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of the things I can't see in the dark." Part of this comes from growing up with crazy people living across the street (I'm talking about- someone chasing another person through my yard with a sledge hammer- kind of crazy) and knowing that someone was raped down the street from me (Note- I actually lived in a nice rural area with corn and soybean fields all around me and this stuff wasn't the norm, but it still made me cautious).

All past events aside, I guess what it really boils down to is that I simply do not trust myself enough. I don't have the confidence in my techniques. If I felt that way after a year of doing a kata, how am I going to feel on this test? We don't do those techniques every day and I certainly am not competent with those techniques. I do not know them inside and out. Heck, I don't really know them at all. The techniques and I are not friends; we are acquaintances. You know- the type where you know their name and a bit about them, but you don't really know all the details. Then a voice in the back of my mind tries to calm me down. It says "Believe. Believe that you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. Believe that your sensei wouldn't ask you to test if you weren't ready. Believe in yourself!" I take a deep breathe and a sense of serenity takes over, if but for a moment. And that is when I realized something. Sure, I have never graded in martial arts, but I have been pushed to my limits and tested countless times throughout my life. I guess the thing I have come to realize is this: when your back is up against the wall or your face is in the mud, keep pushing, keep fighting, because you never know how close you are to conquering whatever it may be that is stopping you (even if it is yourself).

A spoonful of humility

I used to think of myself as a fairly humble person. It wasn't so much as something I strived to be, but more like something that was part of me. Part of my modesty may be due to the fact that I am overly critical of myself and I often see the mistakes I have made along the way. Part of it could also be the way I was brought up. I didn't have the best childhood, but it could have been worse. At least my parents loved me, fed me and put a roof over my head. I wasn't being physically abused and I had an amazing brother and grandparents that meant the world to me. In fact, I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them and I will be forever grateful for that.

My parents were not the best of role models. Well, they were role models, but in the way that they showed me what I didn't want to become. Unfortunately, I haven't left behind all the bad habits I was accustomed to while growing up. I am overly critical of myself to the point that I have little to no self confidence. I expect excellence from myself and when I don't achieve it, I really put myself down. I remember one time in high school I brought home a 99 in science and they asked me why I didn't get a 100. I remember one time telling my mom that I wanted to go to college. Her reply was "You aren't going to college." Well, I decided apply to college anyway, it wasn't like I had bad grades or anything. I sat down and filled out a single application to the school I desperately wanted to go to…. and waited. Finally, the day came when I received a phone call telling me that I was accepted! I remember being so happy and I went and told my mom. I expected her to share my joy, but she didn't. Her reply shattered me; she stated "Just because you got accepted doesn't mean you are going."

My happiness faded away like smoke floating up into the sky. I tried in vain to grasp onto my happiness again, but like smoke, it slipped through my fingers. After being crushed, I went to my room feeling completely hopeless. My dreams of being a better person had been dashed. Then it came to me, I had decided that I had had enough of my mother telling me what I couldn't be or do. I then set out to figure out a way to put myself through college. It wouldn't be easy, but it could be done. The only way I was able to go was with student loans, but at least I was going. Four years later, I graduated. I remember my mom and my boyfriend being at my graduation (my dad couldn't be there). She told me how proud she was of me and bragged to all those who would listen. To be honest, that just annoyed me even more. She didn't help me get to where I was, but she would sure enough take the credit for it. That same year, I went to grad school and two years later, I graduated with my master's degree. This time, my mother, father, brother and fiancé were there. Again, my parent's told me how proud they were of me, yadda, yadda, yadda. This time though, I think they more or less meant it. I think they began to realize that I had made a conscious effort to break the mold and make myself a better person.

Another one of my faults is that sometimes I diminish my accomplishments to the point of being rude to others. I have always been very competitive and I have always strived for the perfection that seemed to be lacking in my life. For instance, I got second in the state for a competition that I did in high school. Instead of being proud of how well I did, all I could see was that I didn't get the gold…. All I had was a silver medal. It didn't help that my brother had won the gold medal when he entered the same competition when he was in high school. It just so happened that we were interested in the same things, so I often followed in his footsteps. When people congratulated me, instead of simply saying "Thank you." all I could muster up was "I really didn't do that well. I am the first place loser." That usually led to an awkward silence before the topic got changed. Luckily for me, I have since become a more gracious loser and a more eloquent speaker.

There are a few events that have changed me; made me who I am today. The first one would be starting martial arts. Little by little, bit by bit, it helped me come out of my shell. I gained self confidence and began to find worth in myself and what I had to contribute to others. By the time I climbed the ranks to purple belt and beyond, I realized that I had gained a sense of empathy and benevolence. I found it amazing how easily I was able to empathize with those white belts who were struggling to make things work because I remembered with such clarity how I felt at that stage of training. It was also those same white belts that led me to realize exactly how far I had come.

The second event was my four years in undergraduate. It was there that I began to find my voice. I was able really figure out who I was and I wasn't ashamed of myself anymore. Sure, I was still overly critical of myself, but that habit will unfortunately never leave me. I did things that I never thought I was capable of: I became a student representative of the college and spoke at open houses, I became head of women and was in charge of 200 students for fall orientation, I became an RA my senior year, I tried out and made the varsity tennis team my senior year after only playing for 3 months and so much more. Those four years taught me that I am capable of doing things above and beyond what I ever thought was possible.

Another event would be marrying my husband. He showed me that despite my faults, I am worth loving. I may not be worth much to other people, but to him, I am worth vowing love and loyalty to. I am worth enough for him to want to spend the rest of our lives together. To me, that really hit home and it made me stop and think. Maybe, just maybe, I am not as ugly as I often see myself. Maybe there is more to me then this dying need to seek out perfection. Maybe I am capable of being a good wife and am able to make my loving husband happy. Maybe I can let go of all the things I am not in control of and accept and love myself for who I am... and finally be happy. Okay, so I can't quite do that last one yet, but I am getting there. At least I have moments where I can look in the mirror and say "I look pretty right now!" Those don't happen too often, but they happen more often then they used to.

Perhaps the most recent event that has changed my life is the world of aikido. After 4 years of part time training (I was away at college) and 3 years of not training at all (more college and moving cross country for my new job), I have stepped back into the world of martial arts. This time, instead of wearing a black gi with a black belt tied around my waist, I step onto the mats wearing a white gi and a white belt. I had gone from one extreme to the other. I was no longer a person to be looked at for guidance. I was no longer the example. I no longer knew what I was talking about and I certainly don't know what I am doing. All of my previous training went out the window and I was once again reminded of what it is like to be a beginner. One would think that a change such as this might be hard to swallow, but for me it wasn't so bad.

Sure, I don't really like being the lost student all over again, but amazingly enough; it has made me see things in a different light. It's like I am reading the same book over again, but this time I have a completely different outlook on it. I thought I was humble before, but this has taught me that I have much to learn. I have since realized that I could do with another helping of humility. Instead of being resentful of this dish, I happily pick up my spoon and take tiny helpings of humility with each class I take. Sometimes my helping of humility is a bit more then what I would like, but it makes me stop and analyze the situation instead of taking something for granted.

Though I found myself a beginner all over again, things were a little different this time around. First off, I had my husband by my side. I know that I am not alone in this journey and am happy to be training with the man I love. Secondly, I have been in this position before. I know what to expect, though that doesn't stop me from wanting to pick things up quicker then I am. Finally, I know that I am capable of accomplishing goals when I set my mind to it. This journey may not be easy, but I have the faith and confidence that I didn't have before. I know that I can climb this mountain and though I may never get to the top, I think I am going to enjoy this lifelong journey.

In the end, I have come to realize many things, but perhaps the one that stands out the most is that I am not as humble as I once thought. The fact that I have come to this realization is the first step of finding it again. Though I seek humility, it is not the goal of my journey. The goal of my journey is to learn more about myself, conquer my inner demons, share a common interest (and the joy that comes with it) with my husband and perhaps make friends along the way. I am looking for yet another way to enrich my life. Hopefully, somewhere along the way I will find humility once again. Until then, I will continue to take my daily spoonful of humility and if it does come hard to swallow, at least I will have a loving husband to help me cope. If all else fails, then maybe I will seek out Mary Poppins and ask for a spoonful of sugar!