I'm Not Drinking Your Kool-Aid......

Everyone has their own method of keeping track of time. Some use a clock. Others use a calendar. Others still would prefer to use a sundial or an hourglass. Those methods are great, but for the past 30 days I have been keeping track of the passing time by another method all together- my prescription bottle.

For the past 30 plus days, I have been diligently taking my anti-inflammatory pills twice a day. Seeing the full bottle and the amount of pills I needed to take helped put my painful hiatus in perspective. I could visually see what it was I needed to do and my only goal was to make those pills disappear with due diligence (or digilence as Flynn Sensei would say- see a post from the fall if you need clarification on this new word).

The other methods of keeping time were strictly forbidden other then when I was at work. Looking at the calendar only made me painfully aware of each class I was missing. When my digilence would fade, I would forget and glance at the clock to check the time. Each time I made this mistake, I grew sad because it just so happened I always looked around the time I would be normally be bowing in to start class.

Each day that passed, I took my two pills, thinking that it would somehow make a difference. Once or twice a week, I would go to the dojo and watch my husband take class. I saw things I would be missing otherwise, though I found myself a bit bitter about being off to the side. I felt like I was the toy a child got the Christmas before. Now that they opened up their brand new toy, I was forgotten over in the corner. No one would play with me.

Okay, so I really wasn't neglected or forgotten, but I couldn't get out there and play nonetheless. My fellow dojomates have been very kind and ask how I am doing each time they see me. Sensei has done the same. Every class, he would walk to the back of the dojo and ask me how my foot was doing. Even if he saw me the day before, he would ask me again. More often then not, I told him that nothing changed.

On one Saturday class, he came and sat down on the mat and worked on my foot a bit. I watched what he did, but didn't feel anything remarkable happen, though some of it was a level just under painful. Later that night and the next day, my foot was sore. Despite being sore, I noticed that my foot had a great deal of mobility that wasn't there before. When I saw him the following week, I told him about the change. He told me that your body naturally forms a sort of cast around the injury site and what he did was remind my foot that it had all these other muscles, ligaments and tendons there that could be used. That was the first and sadly, the last big change I have noticed.

Besides taking my pills, I have also been following the doctor's orders about staying off my foot. I did fall off the wagon of recovery once. I went for a walk with a kid I baby-sit, which was probably at least a half mile walk. While at the park, I played with his stomp rocket and ran around the field for a bit chasing him (or the rocket he sent off). My foot was a bit sore the next day, but not as bad as I thought it would be.

Last week was the final stretch. My pills were almost gone and I grew a bit anxious. I had this horrible feeling in my gut telling me that I wasn't going to get good news when I went back. Tuesday I went and watched the class that could potentially be the last class I sit out and watch. To my surprise, I noticed a couple of new people on the mat. You go and miss a class or two (or a months worth) and all the sudden things have to change….

Before class started, I saw sensei on my way to the bathroom. He asked how I was doing and when I was going to see the doctor. I told him I was alright and that I was going to see the doctor Thursday. I assured him that I would let him know what I found out. When class began, I settled in and got comfy. I always get cold watching, so I had my fuzzy socks, jeans, hoodie and winter coat on.

It was a good beginner class. It was nice to be able to note the differences between complete beginners, somewhat beginners (like myself- a 4th kyu) and the yudansha training. I found the minor (and sometimes major) differences intriguing. If I saw something I wanted to remember, I would write it down in my martial arts training diary that I have. I've had it for years (since like 2001) but never really used it on a regular basis. I have only made a few entries over the past month, but they are little things I find important.

As I watched class, sensei would call people up to take ukemi for him. Even though a month has gone by, I still half expect him to look at me and call me up. Then he calls someone else's name and I am hit with the hard reality that I am not IN class, just merely observing it. Then my self pity fades away and I eagerly try to absorb what it is he is doing. Sometimes I watch the ukemi instead. I figure this is a good opportunity to watch the yudansha's ukemi because I don't have to worry about doing the technique once he has finished demonstrating.

Although I'm not a senior student and my ukemi isn't great, I have always enjoyed the privilege of taking ukemi for sensei. It is wonderful to feel how graceful and effortless a technique can be applied. Not to mention, the fact that I absolutely LOVE the feeling of weightlessness that he gives me. One minute I'm on my feet and another I'm airborne… except the transition is so subtle that I never really notice when or how that came to be. It just is.

Several months after I started taking aikido, he began using me for ukemi. I think he began using me because some of the higher ranking yudansha aren't/weren't able to take some ukemi due to injury or illness. I'm also fairly flexible, so he can do some things to me that he can't do to other people. So, he will pull me out there to turn me into a pretzel with my arms tied behind my back and then choke me. It seems like I am often called out there for rolls, shihonage or kotegaeshi. Regardless of the reasons he chooses me, I still find myself elated when he calls me up. Any opportunity to take ukemi from him is a gift and I truly have learned a lot about ukemi from him this way.

When class came to a close, I once again insured sensei I would keep him informed of the doctor appointment. I didn't tell him about the horrible feeling in my gut and I didn't tell him that I was contemplating lying to the doctor on Thursday. As I walked out of the dojo that now felt like another home to me, I had many thoughts streaming through my head. What would I tell the doctor Thursday and what would he tell me……

When I woke up Thursday, I was quite anxious. Several scenarios ran through my head throughout the day. Each one was slightly different depending on how truthful I was. In one I told the complete truth, another I totally lied and said it was better and in a third scenario, I told him it wasn't any better at all. Obviously, the last two were easy to figure out what the doctor would say. It was the scenario involving the whole truth and nothing but the truth that left that horrible feeling in my gut.

When I arrived at the doctor's office, I decided that I would tell him the truth. I had already missed a months worth of classes. If I lied and hurt it again and had to take more time off, chances are I would have to start at square one all over again and I don't know if I could do that again. At least now I am already a month into my rehab. He came in and we talked a bit. He used a tuning fork on my foot to make sure there were no stress fractures and then basically told me I had to take another month off and to refill the medicine he prescribed last time.

I told him I thought it was only better because I am being a lazy bum and I asked again if it could be a soft tissue injury. He shut me down once more and told me he was sure of his diagnosis. I asked if I still needed an MRI since he said if it wasn't better he would want me to get one and he told me he changed his mind. Although I don't want to pay the co-pay, I was hoping the MRI might reveal the cause of the pain since I still think his diagnosis is wrong. I'm just not sipping the kool-aid he is trying to give me. Instead, I'm downing haterade by the gallon.

When I got home, I called and left sensei a message and told him the bad news and said I would be watching class either Tuesday or Wednesday and that I would talk with him more then. Four days after my doctor appointment, my foot hurts worse then it did before. I don't know if I did something to it, if the tuning fork did something to it or if the pain is all in my head. All I know is that when I woke up this morning, it was pretty stiff and I was limping around for a while.

I also know that I have another month of no class ahead of me and I'm wondering what lies beyond that. Maybe I shouldn't look that far into the future; it will probably only discourage me further. My method of time keeping is now another full prescription bottle and those moderately sized gray pills have become a much hated enemy. My positive outlook I used previously has faded away and now I feel as if I am Empress Phoenix in "Curse of the Golden Flower." In the movie, she knows her husband is poisoning her tea/medicine with black fungus, yet she continues to take it multiple times a day, knowing she is dying with each sip she takes. Okay, so my situation isn't as dramatic or perilous as hers, but I am taking these pills twice a day despite knowing they aren't doing a damn thing.

Maybe I'm being obstinate. After all, I did mention that I don't have faith in my doctor. All I know is that my body is telling me that his diagnosis is incorrect. I'm sure I could get another opinion, but that is more doctor bills and more time off of work. Maybe the cause of the pain is due to a different reason, but maybe the cure is the same. Maybe I need to just take it easy for a while (whatever that means). Or, maybe my doctor really does know what he is talking about and I'm just drinking too much hatorade to give him a chance…….

You want me to WHAT?!?

Hi. My name is Ashley and I have been off of aikido for 5 days and 22 hours. ::sigh:: I am only on day 5 of my 30 day minimum stint in rehab. Last Thursday I finally put on my big girl gi and went to the doctor to see what is up with my foot. It has been almost four months since I have injured it and my foot doesn't seem to be getting any better. I walked into the office hoping for the best, but expecting the worse. Honestly, I was looking for a quick fix. Set me down, give me a cortisone shot, tell me to ice it after class and send me on my way. (I know that wouldn't fix the problem, but at least it would help me forget the problem....)

The doctor came in and asked me about my injury and symptoms, then sent me down the hall for some x-rays. After reviewing my x-rays, he told me that it didn't appear like I fractured or broke anything. He told me that he thinks I have bruised my bone marrow and have a large amount of edema in the bone. At this point, I asked what I needed to do. He told me he would give me a scrip for anti-inflammatory drugs to take twice a day. Sounds easy enough! Then he casually tossed in "No martial arts."

At that point, my eyes got all teary and it was like I was a child being told that I couldn't play with my best friend forever. I didn't really realize how much I liked doing aikido until that very moment. I think he saw how upset I was and asked how often I train and how long I had been doing martial arts. I told him that I train four days a week and hadn't been training long- just over two years. I guess he doesn't know too much about aikido because he commented that I must be fairly proficient at it. HAH! If he only knew…..

At that point he told me that he understood my frustrations and mentioned that he had earned his black belt in tae kwon do a while ago. He told me at minimum, I would be out of class for a month, but it may be more. He then supplemented his previous statement by stating that other then work and casual errands, like grocery shopping, he wanted me to stay off of my feet .

He said usually an injury like this requires RICE, but in this case rest is the only thing that will work. He asked if I took time off at all during the previous months and I told him I had almost two weeks off because of holidays and dojo closings, but other then that, no. He asked if I took time off after I hurt it and told him I went back and just dealt with it. It wasn't the answer he wanted to hear, but he nodded his head like he understood my reasoning.

I asked him if there was a chance that I had a soft tissue injury and damaged a muscle or ligament instead or in addition to the bruised marrow. He told me that he didn't think so based on the way I described my symptoms. He said he could be wrong, but he thinks he is "looking under the right rock." He said he wanted me back in a month and if it wasn't better by then, he would want an MRI to see what is going on.

I nodded and sadly took the prescription from his hand. On my way out, he asked me a bit about my job and asked if CSI was a total lie. I told him I hated the show, but my husband watches it. I explained that it is based on truth, but there is a lot of stuff in the show that is inaccurate or doesn't even exist yet. I then told him that he probably felt the same way about House or ER. He laughed and said he knew exactly where I was coming from.

I went up to the secretary and paid what I thought was a reasonable co pay (since my insurance card didn't mention a price) and scheduled my next appointment. As I walked out the door, I called my hubby to tell him of the news. As I drove home, I couldn't help but think that the doctor is indeed looking under the wrong rock. I would think if I pressed on the bone, it would hurt more and that just isn't the case (unless I really aggravate it first). However, when I point my toes (either using muscles or by using my hand to manipulate them into a pointed position) or stand on my tipy toes (or use my hand to bend them back) it hurts like the dickens!!! I suppose it could still be a bone issue, but I'm thinking it is a muscle or ligament issue. I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, I will be at the dojo doing observation training on the nights my hubby goes. Sensei told me he would make sure I had everything necessary to sit and watch comfortably. So here is to sitting out of class and hoping time will heal the area. Either way, if it is a tissue injury, a month of rest will surely do that a bit of good too. Right? ::sigh::

A teddy bear

With the 2010 chapter of my life behind me, I am already a few pages into a new one. It didn't take me long to realize that the chapter of 2011 is about new beginnings. Not only is it a new year, but it's also a new decade. Not to mention, I have a fairly new rank to accompany this trend of new beginnings. As a recently minted 4th kyu, I would think, like a coin, my exterior would be all shiny and new. Instead, I get the feeling that I have a rather dull finish. I ask myself how this came to be, but I can't seem to find an answer.

As I stare at my reflection, I realize that I don't look like a shiny new coin at all. Instead, I see….. a stuffed teddy bear. I'm made of worn fabric and I'm being held together by fraying seams. I notice mismatched fabric patches in several locations and I'm showing signs of additional threadbare areas. Then something else catches my eye. What is that? Is that a hole? ::sigh:: Yes, I even have a new hole in my fabric. ::begins shoving the stuffing back inside::

Despite my slightly rough appearance, I don't appear to have been abused or neglected. Instead, it seems that I bear the marks of hard love. It's as if I were the favorite toy of a child that has withstood the test of time (with a little help of course). With each patch I have, it shows the trials and tribulations I have had to overcome. Although my fabric has been pushed beyond its limit, creating worn and torn areas, a patch is there to help reinforce it and make it new once more.

The thread used for my various seams are a kaleidoscope of colors. As my seams become frayed and fall apart, those around me help stitch me back together. Though the sewing may be crude (we can't all be Martha Stewart), and the stitching is never the same color (you make use of what you have at the time), it is done with utmost care.

As I sit and stare at myself in the mirror, I realize how I have changed over the years. I used to look like an average brown teddy bear. You know the type; every kid has one at one point or another. Over the years though, I have acquired a completely new appearance. My plain brown coat has evolved into a coat of colorful patchwork and my dark brown seams have been upgraded to all the colors of the rainbow.

As I continue to stare at the mirror, I take an even closer look at my appearance. One blue patch with white sailboats on it brings back a memory of a lesson with sensei. Something he told me to do countless times with the bokken finally clicked and made sense. As my flashback came to an end, I realized that who I have become has not been a solo project; the entire dojo community played a part.

Sometimes a particular person would push me beyond my limits, ripping a hole in my fabric. When this happens, usually another person is there to help patch me up or stitch me back together again. Occasionally, the person who did the ripping is also the one doing the stitching. Still, I occasionally find myself stitching up my own flaws. After all, you can't always depend on someone else to point out or correct your flaws. Sometimes you have to find and mend them on your own.

As I take one last look at the teddy bear in the reflection, I can't help but conclude that it looks worn out. Although it was done with kindness, it has put up with the rigor of near daily training (and the corrections that come with it) for too long. Like a child's favorite toy, perhaps it has received a bit too much love. As I gaze upon myself, I can feel the various aches and pains that have become a daily accessory, like a wedding band that I never take off. Then somehow, my mind always drifts back to aikido….

As I turn away from the mirror, a smile spreads across my face. Because, despite being worn out, exhausted or full of aches and pains, this teddy bear has a lot of mileage left in it. With each new patch or stitch I receive, I humbly step out on the mat with tangible proof of a new beginning.

Lined up

Testing

Becoming a 4th Kyu

It almost seems like a dream. I can recall bits and pieces, but the whole idea of it all is just…. foggy. Its as if I am trying to recall something that happened after I have fallen and hit my head or passed out. Those moments leading up to and immediately after are always fuzzy.

Thursday three of us were set to test for fourth kyu. Originally, four of us were set to test, but sensei promoted one a couple days prior based on merit. In fact, that person happens to be my hubby. He was promoted to 3^rd kyu. I couldn’t be happier for him and I know that he really wasn’t interested in testing. After a conversation, sensei decided that he could skip testing and bumped him up from 5^th kyu to 3^rd.

The other three of us weren’t so lucky as to skip the testing process, so we showed up Thursday, ready whether we liked it or not. I left the house ten minutes earlier, thinking it would give me more time to calm down, but it turns out I got there the same time as usual. Traffic was determined to make my buffer time disappear altogether.

I changed as quickly as I could and went up to the dojo. My brief moments of solitude were dashed when I realized a couple other people were already in the dojo. I started stretching and just trying to calm my nerves. One of the yudansha came in and jokingly asked me “What are you testing for? 2^nd kyu?” I laughed and then mentioned that I was testing for 6^th kyu.

Sensei came in shortly after and the yudansha asked sensei if I was testing for 2^nd kyu. Sensei smiled and responded that I was testing for 6^th. I got all excited and told sensei that is what I said earlier. Then I reminisced about how easy the 6^th kyu test was, as in our dojo, as soon as you walk in the door you are a 6^th kyu. Unfortunately, this test wasn’t going to be quite as simple.

Once class started, sensei had us do some warm-ups, conditioning exercises that were techniques on our exam and we did a couple techniques that were on the test as well. Once we all lined up, she had us come out onto the mat. Our first uke’s were then called out and assigned to us.

Once the test started, just like last time, my nervousness went away. You don’t really have time to look around and see what else is going on. I did hear a bit of confusion going on and I heard “Look around and see what they are doing.” Several times I had my uke swapped out. Evidently, I was running my uke’s a little more ragged then the other testee’s were.

There were a few times during the test where I fumbled over the hand exchanges, or felt as if my footwork was a bit off. A few times I forgot to do the nikyo pin and my partner would remind me to do the pin. At the end of the test, four of the yudansha left to decide our fate. While they were gone, we worked on suwariwaza kokyuho. It was a nice cool down.

Eventually, they returned and we all once again lined up. They had us stand one at a time and told us whether we passed or failed. Each of us passed the test. A couple of the yudansha gave us some feedback, such as: hand exchanges and footwork needs improvement, using our centers more, sinking into our hips, etcetera, etcetera. Sensei told me in particular that I need to work on being more assertive.

All in all, I guess I did alright on the test. I didn’t do poorly, but I certainly know that I could have done better. I think my foot played a part in some of my poor movement. Most of the time I wasn’t aware of my foot do to nerves or adrenaline, but certain movements did hurt my foot. For instance on kokyuho I was quite aware that the pressure on my foot hurt.

When the test was over, all of us went out for pizza and beer. It is nice just to sit back and chat about anything that comes to mind. It isn’t often that a group of us get together and just eat, drink and talk. We have dojo potlucks every now and then, but these pizza and beer outings are just something special and unique.

I hear that the 3^rd kyu test is the hardest test because of all the techniques and the fact that the test is so much longer. Although I am not quite ready to pursue this feat, I know that one day, whether I like it or not, that test will be knocking on my door. For now though, I am content to coast along for a bit. I want the opportunity to grow into my rank and enjoy where I am a bit longer before I start trudging up the hill towards my next goal.

See my previous blog if you are interested in some random aikido statistics

Slow Ride.... Take it Easy......

Class this week has been rather interesting. With the influx of new students, things have dropped down a gear or two. Usually, I would prefer things to ramp up for a test, but this time, I find myself enjoying the pace. My theme song for this week is "Slow Ride". Because of that, how can I not take it easy? This lower gear doesn't mean I am taking things any easier. Instead, I find myself focusing on some simple details, such as balance, using my center and really trying to use my hand as a blade of a sword and really activating my wrists. Although I am not really making great headway on either of these, I am becoming more aware of just how little I use or have all of these.

Wednesday, for the second hour of class it was all yudansha again. Well, all except for me. It was a great class. We did some variations of things that I haven't or have rarely done. It was actually nice to do something that did not directly involve techniques on my test. Sure, you could always find some similarities, but they weren't the exact technique or the same variation that is being asked of me. It makes it easier to unwind and just enjoy the moment. We were constantly on the move and it was a great cardio workout. I am certain I burned off the cinnamon-apple donut I ate earlier that day.

Yesterday I had trial, so I was tromping around town in my heels. They are actually quite comfy since I broke them in a while ago, but with my injured foot…. the right foot varied between uncomfortable and painful throughout the day. Before class I took some ibuprofen and headed off to class. My foot got a little tender during class because Erin had us doing some rolls and suwariwaza. We worked on suwariwaza morotedori and ryotedori shihonage. Towards the end of class, she had the 4th kyu candidates go to the front of the dojo and she would have us take turns working on test techniques and the rest of the class stayed in the back and worked on something else.

When sensei showed up, I went and told him that I was going to sit out and watch the second hour of class so I could ice his foot. He acted a bit disappointed and mentioned that we were going to be working with bokken, so it wouldn't be too bad on my foot. I told him in that case I would give it a shot. He told me to sit out for ten minutes or so to ice my foot and then I could join in. It seemed like a good compromise, so after running the mats with rags, I went downstairs via the door by the shomen and took the bucket and rags with me.

Once downstairs, I rinsed out the rags and hung them on the drying rack. I then went to the freezer and took out the frozen bag of peas I have developed a bit of a resentful relationship with. On my way back upstairs, I paused by the door and listened. All was quiet, so I knew class had started already. There is no way I am going in via the shomen door. That is when I realize my shoes are at the front entrance of the dojo. I walk back downstairs and go around barefoot. The cold, wet jagged rocks dug into my feet as I made my way around. Once inside, I cleaned my feet off with a few baby-wipes and then sat down to ice my foot.

I sat there during most of the warm-ups, but I eventually got too anxious and sat in seiza until sensei bowed me into class. I ran/ hobbled and got the bokken that I seem to use. It isn't mine, but sensei let me take it to the weapons seminar and ever since then, I have kind of adopted it as mine. Or at least until his son comes back to claim it! I really need to get my own, but somehow it always gets put off. Bills are always more important then the aikido toys I need. As we went across the dojo making our cuts, I found myself tripping a bit. My foot was colder then I realized and I couldn't really feel the mat as I would have liked. Sensei decided that today he would have us work on the fifth kumitachi. It seemed a bit complicated at first, but once I did it a few times, I could at least navigate the form.

I was working with Don, another 5th kyu and the two yudansha were working together. Usually a higher and a lower partner up, but I thought this worked out for the best. That way they could get in some good quality practice and me and Don could take our time to go through the form. Sensei kept a watchful eye on us and frequently gave me corrections. Make sure you are stepping 90 degrees, thrust strongly, don't move too early, don't drop your tip when you cut faster, etc, etc. I actually enjoy getting these corrections (even though it means I am doing something wrong). I know he is paying attention to me and I know that he is trying to help me get better. Not to mention, the way he tells you and shows you is done in a way that doesn't make me feel bad at all for my errors.

At the end of class, he decided to do something a bit more simplistic- san no tachi. For this, I worked with a visiting yudansha. At the end of class, sensei was describing how supposedly, each of the kumitachi represent different things (pine tree, bamboo and plum blossom). He said that he couldn't really recall which was which and he also mentioned that squares, triangles and circles were in the forms as well. When he was finished talking, I told him that I am not yielding or graceful like any of those. This elicited chuckles from everyone. He responded telling me that I have my moments.

As I went downstairs, I thought about what he said. I think I do have my moments. Unfortunately, I am not always aware of them and they do come few and far between at this time. A moment is but a blink in time. It is temporary and ever changing. It quickly becomes the past and is often forgotten. It is comforting to know that I am capable of being graceful or yielding, if but a moment. If only I could lock into that moment and keep hold of it. Sadly, as hard as I try, the moment always slips out my grip and passes me by. You can be IN the moment, but you can never stay…..