Randori

You know you had a good work out/class when you wake up the next day and feel sore in some areas. This happened to me Sunday morning. I woke up and begrudgingly got out of bed earlier then I wanted. As I moved about my room, I realized that a few areas of my body were sore. I paused and took the time to think about what we did in class the day before. In all honestly, it was a fairly easy class (as far as strenuous activity goes). So, it really got me thinking. Despite the fact that our workout was easy, it was a good cardio workout and I’m guessing that I used the same muscles I use in most classes, just in a different way. If you take the time to think about it, the human body is a fascinating thing. It really is a miracle in and of itself. The things that a body is capable of are really quite astounding.

So what exactly did I do Saturday? It started off like most Saturday’s. By this I mean, I look around I am the only beginner in the dojo. There were five yudansha, a first kyu who was supposed to test for shodan this summer and myself. Whenever I see this, I always mentally prepare myself for a tough class. I guess I should take it as a compliment that sensei throws me into the tough classes. I don’t think he really expects too much out of me, but it is nice to know that he thinks I can at least manage enough not to injure myself (or others). What I didn’t know was that this wouldn’t be a “normal” type of Saturday class. The class somehow evolved into a randori class! We started off with simple partner work. Nothing too different there. Then he had us work with two partners. It started off with your two partners standing on opposite sides of you (either one in front and one behind or one on either side of you). You then had to find a way out of that pressure. The key to this was spinning your way out from the middle. After this exercise, sensei gave us two techniques and we had to use one of these two techniques on our two uke. The goal was to keep them on the same side and not let yourself get in the middle. We weren’t really throwing our uke around- just taking them to the point they lost their balance and they would walk a few steps in a direction to catch their balance.

Then sensei had us do the same thing with three uke. To make it a bit easier (probably for me), each person was assaigned an attack. One person would attack shomen, another yokomen and the third would tsuki. He kept encouraging us to be proactive and to walk towards uke and not be afraid to initiate. This was a bit more difficult then two people, but still manageable as we were all going slow and taking it easy (or at least most people were… some were still throwing you about). Sensei had us working in two groups of three, so one group would have time to rest while the other group was up working. It kind of surprised me how much randori takes out of you, especially if you are uke.

Once that was done, sensei then had us stand with four uke pressing on us. This was definitely harder then having two uke press on you. You really felt as if you had no place to go what so ever. Your only option was to spin and try to get out of the jumble of uke. At one point, sensei had us stand in the middle and the four uke would have bokken’s. They would all cut shomen at the same time and you had to get out of the circle. We also did the same thing with the uke having jo’s. Instead of shomen, they would tsuki. This all went pretty well and though I was a bit intimidated, I did alright. It was nice that I was the last to go each time (we went from highest ranking to lowest), so at least I got to watch several times. I don’t recall if we ended up doing randori with four uke or not. I think we did, but I just can’t remember…. So maybe we didn’t.

At the end of class, sensei had us do some breathing exercises to calm ourselves down. He told us that we would be working on this more in the future and that eventually, we will get to the point where the uke will be able to attack however they wish and you will just have to react. He closed by telling us to not be afraid of retreating during randori, so long as your attention and spirit continue to move forward. He told us, if all else fails and you are in a corner, run until you are in the open and can continue again. He also told us to not be “grabby” during randori. He said that if you grab too much, you can get stuck and it slows you down.

So, as I continue to ponder on whether I actually did something to warrant getting sore muscles, I conclude that perhaps I did. I used my muscles in a different way and I was under a bit of “stress” if you will. I was also thrown about fairly hard at times by an overly ambitious nage. It really takes you surprise when you aren’t supposed to be being thrown. It like being tackled during touch football, it happens, but that doesn’t mean it is necessarily expected. In the end, I think it was a good class and I learned a lot. I’m sure everyone was easier on me since I am a beginner, but I appreciated the fact that I got the opportunity to try. If it takes sore muscles to continue to progress and learn, I will take them. Push me to my limits and even beyond. Break me down so that I can rebuild myself into a stronger and more accomplished aikidoka. I don’t think I’m ready to spread my wings, but I’m beginning to trust that when sensei shoves me off the ledge, that I will be able to open my wings and fly.

On a completely different topic, sensei saw me last week looking at my hours. He said “I know you are way past due to test for 4th kyu.” I looked over at him and told him honestly that “I could care less about testing.” I then explained that I keep track of my hours at home as well and for some reason, the hours at the dojo and the hours at home didn’t match, so I was trying to find the discrepancy. Yesterday after Tai Chi, I was once again trying to figure out where the hours went wrong (this time for my husbands hours). The yudansha that I give a ride came over and asked me if I had enough hours to test. I told him that I did, but felt I wasn’t ready to test. I told him that I didn’t really feel like I had a grasp on nikyo or sankyo yet and I wanted to feel more comfortable with them before I tested. He looked at me and said “Maybe you should let someone else judge your competency for a change. You aren’t testing for shodan you know.” I looked over, smiled and mumbled something about being a perfectionist. He chuckled and said “I have no idea what you are talking about.” We both laughed as we turned off the lights and locked up the dojo. Good times……….

My new hakama

It’s Friday afternoon, the sun is shining and I have just broken free of my forty-hour work week. As I start my car, my Red Hot Chili Pepper’s cd begins to play. I roll down my window and turn the music up, never mind that I only have a 5 minute drive home. As I drive, I can’t help but enjoy the weather, but all of this glorious weather is overshadowed by my one-track mind. All I can think about is the mail. Today is the big day. Today is the day that my bujin hakama is supposed to arrive. As I pull over and park my car by the communal mailboxes, I can’t help but think to myself “There are only two things that could make this Friday absolutely glorious: my hakama and a parking spot by our townhouse.” I take out my key and open the mailbox. Letters, bills, a magazine and then something shiny catches my eye. YES! This is the mailbox key that is given when a package is too big to fit in your personal mailbox. I look at the key and it doesn’t tell me what box it is in. Doesn’t matter though, I will try every mailbox here if necessary. Lucky for me, the first big box I tried opened. I eagerly pulled out the package to see who it was from. I read the return address: bujin. I couldn’t help but smile and I am fairly certain that the sun began to shine brighter just for me.

I practically skip my way back to car. Two weeks and five days after ordering my hakama I now have it in my hands. I start my car and begin the short trek back towards my townhouse. The sun is still shining brightly, so I’m hopeful of an empty parking spot, but I’m not getting my hopes up too much. Can a person really get two nice things on the same Friday? They sure can! I see a parking spot open and just calling for my little cabrio to fill it. (See, our townhouse has a one car garage. My husband is the one that parks in the garage. Oftentimes, I beat him home, which means I either have to hope for an open spot or move my car to let him get the garage before parking again in the driveway. There is very little parking elsewhere, so more often then not, this is what I have to do. Now, there are two holy grail parking spots that are thrown in amongst the 8 townhomes- and most of these townhomes have two cars. If you can get one of these, it is a miracle. In fact, people will park their cars there and not move them for like a week. Grr.. anyway, let’s get back to the story shall we?)

I happily pull past the spot and back into it. My cabrio is so happy with the spot that it is practically purring. Okay, so that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I was stoked none the less! Somehow, I manage to get out of my car with my purse, my lunchbox, my water bottle, my winter coat, my fleece jacket, all the mail and with my hakama in tow. Once I get inside, I lay everything down on the couch. As excited as I am about ripping open this package, I need to take care of my shih tzu first. I go upstairs and let her out of her room. Her pretty brown eyes and tail wags tell me that I made the right decision. She picks up her bone and eagerly trots past me into our bedroom (as she knows this is my next destination as it is a daily thing). I take off my heels and put them away, use the bathroom and change into more comfortable clothing. The whole time I am chasing Meili around the room or giving her little smoochies on her head when she stays still long enough. Her topknot is all askew, so I will have to fix that shortly. I look down at her and say “Let’s go downstairs!” She leads the way and I follow. I take her outside to go potty. While I am outside, all I can think about is ripping into the package. This is worse then Christmas!

Once Meili is done, we go back inside. I practically have a heart attack as I see this person out of the corner of my eye. No one is supposed to be in my house! Finally, I am able to focus to see who is actually in my house. My husband is looking back at me with this amused look on his face. “What are you doing here!?!” I exclaim. “I thought you were working till 5.” He shakes his head and simply says “Nope.” He looks down at the couch and sees that my hakama has arrived. “I’m impressed. I thought you would have had that ripped open by now.” I proudly responded with “I guess I’m more disciplined and patient then you thought.” I’m finally done wiping Meili’s paws and she takes off across the kitchen into the living room to run around till her daddy says hello.

I walk over to my husband and kiss him hello and ask how work went. As he tells me how his day went, I casually picked up the package and set it on my lap. He gives me the abbreviated version of his day, which was most appreciated since I’m dying to rip this plastic open. With a deep breathe I open the package and pull out the deep blue hakama. I immediately take note of how rough and stiff the fabric feels and I admire how pretty the himo are tied. Whoever folded this did a wonderful job. As I sat there evaluating it, it occurred to me just how heavy this hakama is compared to the one sensei was letting me borrow. I wonder how heavy it will feel when I put it on? I set the hakama aside and look at the paperwork that came with it: instructions for washing, wearing and folding your hakama and the receipt.

The instructions state that the pleats are lightly stitched and that they will need to be cut before wearing. With a sad heart, I open up my hakama and fear that it will never look that beautiful again. I should have taken a photo! I look at the pleats. Nothing! I begin to open them and feel higher up. Nothing! Now I’m even more upset because I just unfolded my hakama for no reason what so ever! I tell my husband that I am going upstairs to fold my hakama on the bed so I don’t get dog hair all over it. After a bit of fiddling, I get the hakama folded along the creases and looking quite presentable once more. I take it downstairs and put it with the rest of my aikido stuff for Saturday morning.

Saturday morning, half asleep I arrive to the dojo. I shake off the sleep as I pull out my new hakama. The hakama feels heavy in my hands. This is the defining moment. I will finally find out whether it fits or not. I shake it out and step inside. I quickly realize that the hakama is stiff and the himo are stiffer still. It reminds me of getting a brand new belt. This will require some breaking in for sure. Only problem is it will only be worn twice a week. I take note of the extra weight, but it is barely noticeable now that it is tied in place. For some strange reason, I didn’t even take the time to look in the mirror. I was distracted. I walked out of the changing room with bokken in hand, the hakama grazing the floor as I walked. As I walked up a couple steps, I quickly realized that I will now have to lift my hakama as I step up or I would trip over the extra two inches of length that wasn’t there before.

Once inside, I put my flip-flops away, drink some water and then sit in seiza with my bokken beside me. Wow this hakama is stiff! I could step out of it and I’m certain it would stand all on its own. Once class began, my new hakama constantly brought attention to me. While doing warm up cuts, every time I sunk into my hips and dropped, my stiff hakama would make this loud swooshing sound as it fell upon the floor. I had to concentrate to keep myself from laughing. In fact, it took quite a bit of concentration to get my mind off of the noise. My hakama once again reminded me that I had to earn its respect. While doing forms, I constantly discovered that I had stepped on it or got it tangled up somehow. I was beginning to feel like this was the first time I had a hakama on. At one point, my hakama was just a complete mess. One of my stiff himo had come undone and the back of my hakama was falling down. I annoyingly went off to the side and fixed it. From then on, I made a habit of tugging at it after every form to make sure that it stayed tight.

Once the class was over, I went to the back and attempted to fold my hakama. I was dreading this moment. I had created new creases and wrinkles and was convinced that I would never get it folded so beautifully again. Once again, I was wrong. To my amazement, I had it folded with every crease in the right place. It was as if the stars aligned and along with it, the inner and outer pleats were all where they were supposed to be. I’m hopeful that as long as I fold it properly after each class that it will always be this easy to maintain. As I walked off the mat with my new hakama, I wondered to myself how long it would take for it to feel like home. For now, I feel like I am just a clumsy visitor.

A pout at Sensei can help you get your way?

Just like every other Saturday, my day started off with iaido. During class, the weird feeling in my head turned into a headache. I forgot about it most of the class, but was constantly reminded about it whenever I reid to sensei after he demonstrated something or corrected me. By the time class was over, it was bothering me when I wasn’t tilting my head down. Sensei went to return a call and I walked over and asked another student if she would be kind enough to tell sensei that I am not going to sit today, but I will be back up for aikido. I told her that I was going to go take some Excedrin and then sit in the changing room where it was a bit darker.

Luckily, the combination of the medicine and the darker room seemed to help my head. The pain was quite manageable by the time class was about to begin. I went back upstairs. Sensei asked if my head was alright. I told him it hurt a bit, but it wasn’t enough to keep me off the mat. I asked sensei how long the other female was who was supposed to show up and train today. He said she trained for quite some time and was almost to shodan before she left. I asked him if she was in the kenshusei program, to which he confirmed. I told him that I did some research the other day because I didn’t really know anything about the kenshusei program other then it was intense training. He told me that if I wanted to know more, all I had to do is ask and he smiled at me. I couldn’t help it, my first response was laughter. I then told him that I was bad enough without any pressure, let alone having pressure and higher standards added on. It did make feel like there is hope for me though since he basically said if I was interested, all I had to do was ask.

While I was chatting with sensei more and more people were coming in the dojo. I guess today was the return of the aikidoka! As I have mentioned previously, attendance has been less then stellar the past few weeks. Well, I guess no one had plans on Saturday because nine people showed! PLUS, sensei’s wife even showed up to train. So, there was another female on the mat for a change. The lady I mentioned that showed up last weekend was supposed to come, but she didn’t (somewhat expected). Despite the third female not showing, it was nice to have a variety of people on the mat to work with.

It was a real laid back class and we didn’t take much ukemi at all. I don’t know if he slowed it down because sensei knew I had a headache and a few other people were injured or if he just decided to slow things down, but it was a very relaxed class. We worked on some blending exercises and worked a lot with the tanto (mainly from shomen and tsuki attacks). We worked on sankyo, gokyo, kotegaeshi, shihonage and a few other suwariwaza techniques without the tanto, such as ikkyo, iriminage and kokyuho. At one point while working with another 5th kyu, a scab had been knocked off of my ankle (got mat burn from ukemi last week I think). My partner pointed at my ankle and I look down and blood is all over my foot and a little on the mat. I didn’t know such a small scab could bleed that much!

Anyway, I walk off the mat and grab a baby wipe and start cleaning the blood off my foot and ankle. My partner grabs some wipes and starts cleaning up the mat for me. Once the rest of my foot and ankle were clean, I started applying the baby wipe to my wound. Aahh….. the sting. My partner then proceeds to get me a band-aid and puts antiseptic on it. At this point, sensei comes over and asks if I’m okay. I tell him what happened and that it wasn’t anything major. He tells me that since class is almost over, I might as well stay off the mat and get the bleeding to stop. I look at him and do something that I don’t do often. I gave a pouty face. To my surprise, sensei said once it stopped I could get back on the mat again. Wow…. I never thought it would work! I smiled and turned to my partner to take the band-aid he had for me. He looked at me and said “You have to show me how to do that!” I put the band-aid on and no surprise, it didn’t want to stick. I grabbed some athletic tape and started wrapping it around my foot. I was getting back on the mat one way or another. I rei myself back in and sit down on the mat to hear sensei say something about shomenuchi shihonage with the tanto. Luckily for me, I am pretty much the low one on the totem pole, so I would be able to watch my partner do the technique first to make sure I would do the correct variation. Turns out my partner needed help too. He kept going into sankyo. One of the first kyu students came over and joined us (he was originally working with sensei) and helped.

At the end of the class, sensei called out for us to do suwariwaza kokyuho. He called my name and I eagerly ran over into the corner to work with him. He has been trying to get me to do the technique properly and is constantly tweaking things. Once I manage to do something he asks, he moves on to another aspect of the technique that I need to work on. I throw him to my left. Then I go to throw him to the right. It was like I hit a wall. He kept telling me “Push. Push. Push.” I pushed and I pushed and the mountain did not move. He reversed the technique and threw me instead. He told me that I was stopping my left hand when I pushed to my right, but I didn’t have that same problem when I went to my left. He then showed me a secret that would help me in those situations. He told me that if I am going to my right, to pull my right hand behind my back and push with the left. He showed me a couple times and then had me do it to him. To my surprise the mountain crumbled rather easily with this method! This is something that I am to have to remember! Sensei reid to me and I went off to find another partner to work with. To my surprise, he clapped and class was over. Time sure does go fast sometimes! An hour and a half seems to fly when it comes to enjoyable matters of life.

I looked down at my ankle and saw the band-aid and wrap had moved off of my injury. Luckily, it wasn’t bleeding. I put my left hand under my foot as we all sat in seiza to bow out of class. I figured at least this way, I wasn’t getting blood on the mat again! After class, I went and diligently noted my hours on the roster and then waited for the rags and water to be brought up so I could run the mats. All of us joke that our work out actually begins once class ends. Lately, I have been running about half of the mats on my own, but today since there were a couple more people, I ran a third of them instead. Once our cleaning was done, there is always the typical lingering and chatting downstairs. This is one of the best things about the end of Saturday morning classes. Sensei asked me if I would be returning for the Saturday afternoon “Freeing your Head and Neck” seminar (which started at 1 and it was 11:45). I told sensei that I wasn’t sure, but more then likely I wouldn’t. I had to take one of the other students home and take care of Meili. Once I got home (around 2, me and the student I took home stopped to eat and then sat and chatted for quite some time), I just laid out on the couch and decided to read. I would get to the laundry and washing my gi later. Aaahhhh….. great class, full belly, good conversation and gorgeous weather. What better way to start off a Saturday?

Polishing

Stand up straight. Stand straight up. Keep your heels under you. Use your tegatana. More kokyu. Sticky hands. Use your thumb more. Extend. Adjust your feet if you need to. Keep moving. Push through your back foot. Pretend like you are bowling. Use your head to push. Sink into your hips. Hit him in the face. What you are doing is fine, but the more basic way is to step through. Settle at the end of the technique. Zanshin. These are just a few of the corrections and comments I have received in the past two days. Lately, attendance in the classes has been quite low. I’m not really sure why the dip in attendance all the sudden, but it is leaving the dojo mats quite empty.

Last Thursday was just me and a yudansha (and that yudansha was teaching class that night). I had an hour and a half of private lessons. We mostly worked on attacks from shomenuchi. He did his best to turn me into an aggressive aikidoka. He had me throwing elbows to his face, the back of his head and his kidneys. Of course, I wasn’t actually finishing these moves, but he was trying to get me to be more aggressive with them. That Saturday, only four students showed up (me, another 5th kyu and two yudansha). The yudansha leading the class asked what I wanted to work on, so I suggested 4th kyu testing techniques. I got my wish. Sankyo, sankyo, sankyo! It was a really nice class. We mainly worked on the blending to the throws and didn’t actually complete the throws. A female student who used to be in the kenshusei program came back to train. It was nice to train with a female for a change.

Tuesday it was just me and a yudansha for aikido. Sensei asked if there were any requests. I simply said I wanted to learn. The other yudansha suggested we work on 4th kyu testing requirements (he was the one who taught Saturday’s class). Sensei mainly had us work on sankyo. We did some katatedori sankyo and some uchi and soto kaiten with sankyo. A few of the hand exchanges were awkward for me, so I am hoping that I get to work on them again soon. I got to work on some hanmi handachi as well. I haven’t really done this other then just trying to figure it out while sensei is putting the higher rankers through their paces. We worked on gyaku hanmi katatedori shihonage and ryotedori shihonage. These were both fun and I enjoyed them quite a bit! It was nice because I had sensei there watching me fixing my major mistakes. A bit of the time, sensei was off on the side practicing suburi.

Wednesday was just me and two yudansha. Sensei had us work on 4th kyu testing requirements yet again. We worked on ikkyo, nikyo and sankyo. This time, sensei decided to have us work from shomenuchi and yokomenuchi attacks. Yokomenuchi has always been a bit problematic for me. I never seem to enter early enough and I just don’t extend myself enough. At one point, sensei had the two yudansha work together and he took me off to the side to work on my extension and entering from a yokomenuchi attack. Once he was satisfied, he sent me back to rotate in with the others. Sensei was keeping a close eye on my hands today. In the very beginning of the class, he must have corrected me numerous times. Do this for ikkyo, but do it this way for nikyo. Grab here, but don’t grab at all with this attack. Use your tegatana to lead uke. Use your thumb to find your way around uke’s hand to get nikyo for omote. Don’t give uke your thumb on sankyo. The corrections went on and on.

Normally, something like this would get to me. I am a perfectionist and when things don’t go right, I tend to either get angry or pout quietly. My next reaction is to try harder, which usually ends up with worse results. For some reason though, this aikido, I don’t have the same reaction. I take in all the things I am doing wrong and I try to implement them. The key word is try. I don’t necessarily expect my body to do exactly what is asked of it. I have begun to realize that aikido is a long, slow and arduous endeavor. However, it is one that I look forward too and it brings joy to my life. It is one thing that gets me out of bed when I want to sleep in or call out of work (how can I justify staying home from work but going to aikido?) Because of this, I will more then likely only call out sick on a Monday or Friday! I have learned that aikido takes time for your body to digest. It is intricate and my body only can retain so much. Maybe it picks up one thing once, but forgets it and does another thing the next time. Aikido is overload to my body. I can’t rush it. I just have to let myself digest one little thing at a time.

In the meantime, I am enjoying the personalized attention from sensei, who is doing his best to polish me for the 4th kyu test that is coming up “soon”. I also have the rare chance to partner with yudansha for all these techniques; they are more then helpful and show an extraordinary amount of patience. They put up with my awkward techniques which I’m sure leads to them having to take some awkward ukemi…. And despite everything, they continue to look at me and ask to be my partner. I look at them and hope that they were as bad as me once and that maybe, I will become as graceful as they are today. It gives me hope and pushes me to continue on.

It’s like I am walking down a dirt road that has no end in sight. At this point in my journey, I feel like I can see clearly where I am headed, but I am doing an awful lot of tripping and stumbling. I am trying to find my footing, trying to find that foundation that I need to continue forward on this path. Sometimes, when I begin to fall, sensei or another yudansha is there to catch me. Other times, they let me fall. They look down at me silently, waiting to see if I will get back up on my own. So far, I have every time. I’d like to think though, that every time I fall on this journey, that I am like a stone being tossed around in the ocean. Slowly, but surely, I am being polished into something beautiful.

Training with new people

Last week I went to Seattle for a week long conference for work. Before I left, sensei mentioned in passing that there is a dojo up there that I might be able to train at. He said he would see about me training and would let me know. Well, I never heard a word (Sensei was busy getting ready for a seminar), so I packed and headed off to Seattle. I was pretty excited because I have never been to Seattle before and I hear it is a nice city. Monday, I receive a call from someone. I look at my caller ID and don’t recognize the number, so I let it go to voicemail. When I see the voicemail notification, I listen to it. Turns out, it is this guy from a dojo in Seattle who says that sensei wants me to train with them while I am here. He says that he might be able to give me a ride and lets me know which classes sensei thought I would be able to attend. Uh oh…. I didn’t pack a gi! Sensei never said another word, so I didn’t even think to pack it! I call the guy back and leave a message stating that I would love to train, but wouldn’t be able to train unless I could borrow a gi and get a ride and that I would be able to train Thursday evening.

He eventually calls me back Wednesday and lets me know that he could pick me up and that they have extra gi’s lying around. He tells me that there are three classes on Thursday (kids, basic and all levels). He offers to pick me up after kids class (he helps teach), but I tell him I wouldn’t mind watching the class. He agrees to pick me up sometime around 4:30 the next day. The rest of my day goes by fairly uneventful. After the conference, my friend and I decide to go out for dinner and then do some shopping. We both get back to the hotel room later that night and both of us are getting headaches. In fact, both of us have been getting them all week. We began to speculate that there was something in the room that was causing the headaches, but there isn’t a way to prove it. Just an FYI, things like this annoy scientists! You have a suspicion about something, but there is no way to test your theory. Grr….. We both end up going to sleep with headaches. While I am getting ready for bed, I keep praying that the headache will go away by tomorrow. It wouldn’t bother me missing a day at the conference (though the talks are interesting), but missing the opportunity to train with this dojo just wasn’t acceptable. I pop a couple Excedrin before climbing into bed. Precautions must be taken! Normally, I just tough it out and don’t take meds unless I really need to.

Next thing I know, my alarm is going off. I open my eyes and assess the severity of my headache. Not feeling too bad, but my head still hurts. I lay in bed a while and fiddle with my phone. I am so not a morning person! I finally drag myself out of bed and begin to get ready for the day ahead. I make sure I have some more Excedrin in my purse in case I feel my headache getting worse. My friend and I then head out to starbucks. A chai tea is in order (hot drinks help my headaches) and I also buy a cup of fresh fruit. I really should have known better then to buy the fruit. My headaches usually coexist with loss of appetite. The chai tea on the other hand, that was much appreciated! At lunch time, I force myself to eat and I also take some more Excedrin. Uck… the frequency of my headaches remind me of the days where I had them quite frequently…. Luckily for me, over the course of the next three hours my headache goes away. I leave the conference around three to walk back to the hotel, change and get ready for the ride. Turns out that I overestimated my ability to get ready and I laid there on the bed. All the extra time gave me time to get nervous! Suddenly, I had butterflies swimming in my stomach and I felt slightly nauseous.

I scolded myself that there was nothing to be nervous about. Just because it was a different dojo and different people didn’t mean the training would be that different. As I sat there, I thought about what sensei might have said to the sensei. Did he make me out to be a better student then I am or did he make me out to be a worse student then I am? Honestly, I would prefer the later. I was so nervous in fact, that I began to text my husband in hopes that he would help me calm down. It worked. He said all the right things and I soon realized I was being silly. I went downstairs and waited in the lobby for my ride. Soon, I received a call saying he’d be there in about five minutes. Sure enough, I see the black car pull up and I go outside. Turns out, the guy was very nice. We had a nice conversation on the way over there. Once we got there, he tried to help me find a gi to wear. Turns out, this was a more difficult task then we first planned. I told him that I wear a size three gi and that my belt is a size two.

He handed me a size 2 pair of gi bottoms and a size 4 top. I go into the changing room and quickly realize that the size two pants are not going to cut it. The top is a little big, but it is good enough. I go out and show him the pants (which barely cover my knees and are tight enough to rip if I bend over too quickly). He tells me that he is going to go try to find another pair. He comes back with size 5 pants. I tell him that they will probably fit length-wise, but he seems skeptical. Sure enough, the pants fit, but I have the waist area pulled so tight that the strings hang down to my knees after tying them in a bow! Hey, at least I have a gi that I can move in! He then joins in the kids class and I go off to the extra mats and begin stretching. After about ten minutes of stretching, the sensei comes over and asks if I want to join in the kid’s class. I join in.

Because it was a kids class, things were pretty simple. We played a few games and I am proud to say that I even won one of the games! I also found out that I am really bad at “Sensei says”. We then worked on walking in a straight line and punching (which reminded me a lot of my old style), worked on using tenkan to get out of the way of a punch and ryotedori kokyuho. It was really cute getting the chance to work with the little kids. I found myself smiling the entire time whether it was from having fun or just enjoying watching the little kids play. I’m sure the parents found it weird that someone of my size and age was in the kids class, but I really could care less. I was having fun!

At the end of that class was the basics class. I looked over at the warm up mat and found myself feeling a bit intimidated. I guess partly because I had no idea where I stood in the ladder of things. To be safe, and to make myself feel more at ease, I simply put myself at the bottom of the ladder; less pressure that way. I’m sure most of them assumed I was a beginner anyway. I was surprised to see that there were several females stretching out. This is something that is lacking at my dojo (though I kind of like it that way). Most of the people were older, which also put me a bit at ease. After a lengthy warm up process (which was strange because you get used to your sensei’s particular warm up routine and exercises), we lined up to see what we would work on. She had us start off the evening with three variations of tai no henko. I did my best to do what she was showing and not assume what was being shown. I didn’t want to be one of those students who doesn’t venture outside of their own little box.

For this, I worked with an older gentleman. He was very nice. I think he was a newer student, so it made me feel a bit better that I wasn’t the only one with very little knowledge. Once that was done, she had us work on just the strike for yokomenuchi. Once that was done, we worked on two responses: irimi and irimi-tenkan. Finally, she had us add in a forward roll to the irimi-tenkan. You simply grabbed their arm that they used to strike and put them in a roll. For this I worked with a girl. I say girl lightly because really I have no idea how old she is. She seemed to be having a hard time with the technique. I wanted to help her, but I wasn’t sure if this is something that is allowed. I am just a guest after all; I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. Instead, when it was my turn, I did the technique slowly in hopes that she might catch what she was missing. Eventually, the sensei came over and helped her.

We also worked on suwariwaza yokomenuchi gokyo. For this, I worked with a yudansha. He seemed nice enough. I found out that I am later on one side then I am on the other. This went on for a bit. Sensei then had us work on suwariwaza shomenuchi ikkyo. For this I worked again with the girl who was having a hard time earlier. Up until this point, I had been telling everyone to attack me first. Sensei came over and told the girl to make me do the technique first. At that point, I made an internal pouty face accompanied by a “hmph.” I liked being the lower one on the totem pole. She was still having some problems with the technique when she told us to work on nikyo, sankyo and yonkyo. She came over and told us to continue working on ikkyo. I didn’t really mind not doing the other techniques. Sometimes it is nice to work on something that you are familiar with. The only thing that threw me off is that she would bring her hand up over her head and pause a few seconds before attacking. This definitely threw off my timing a bit since I usually move in when they raise their hand up. Pretty soon, the hour was up and we were bowing out. It went by fairly quickly.

Quite a few people left after this class. The guy that gave me a ride and I sat on the mat talking while we waited for the third and final hour of class to start. We talked about his training with my sensei before he moved, sensei trying to get me to have softer breakfalls by landing with my feet first instead of my whole body, testing and several other topics. He told me that he was coming down to train with sensei not too long from now and I said that we would have to make it a point to train together since I had yet to work with him. We then got into line for the next class to start. The second hour of the class also went by rather quickly. I am afraid I hardly remember any of it at all. At one point, she had us start off with shomenuchi. You were to step in and do the omote variation of ikkyo, except that once you had their arm, you let your hand slip off the front and you reached back towards your body, passing under their arm and you grabbed their wrist. You then stood up, took a step forward, tenkaned and then dropped to both knees. It ended up being like a kotegaeshi technique. I have only done this like once or twice before, so I had a lot of fun with it. I took my time because I wanted to make sure I was doing it right instead of ripping off ukes arm!

At one point during the class, the sensei reid to me and asked me up to be her uke! I was baffled by this gesture, but quickly ran up there. She said something and I didn’t understand anything except ryotedori. She then motioned to her shoulders. I grabbed her shoulders and she did this technique. I didn’t quite feel what she wanted me to do, so I took a sort of backwards ukemi for it. She then said that we would stick with the hands and I grabbed her wrists. With this, she pulled me in a lot harder and I naturally turned to take forward ukemi. This happened a few times and then we reid to each other. I ended up working with a tall woman who turned out to be very nice. She wanted to grab me first since she thought I was higher ranked then her, but I insisted that she do the technique first. I had a bit of a problem with this technique. First, I wanted to tenkan and put them in a roll. Second, it seemed like her feet were off whenever I tried to put her in the roll. It could be because I wasn’t using enough oomph to draw her in and she didn’t take a step or it could be she slid in or wasn’t effected much because of her height. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance to really figure it out.

At the end of class, she had us all get bokken. She then turned off the lights and lit two candles. She told us that we would be doing a form of standing meditation and that we would have to make 108 shomen cuts at our own pace. Once we were done, we could sit in seiza and meditate some more. This was an interesting experience for me. It was nice to stay at a steady pace that didn’t wind me at all. Part of me wanted to look around in the darkness to see how fast everyone else was cutting. I caught myself peeking once and quickly quit. Instead of worrying about whether or not I’d be the last one, I took the time to do nice, clean cuts. I made sure to let the bokken fall on its own accord as I dropped my body. If I cut with my arms, my arms would quickly fatigue or be dead after 108 cuts. I was amazed how meditative this actually was. It is something that I wouldn’t mind doing again in the future.

At the end of class, we all went around thanking each other. People introduced themselves to me. Turns out that one of the girls trained at my dojo several months ago. As soon as she said it, I remembered her. She trained for a weapons class with Cindy and no other students were there. I think Howard had to work late that day and we weren’t able to make the weapons class. Turns out, everyone at the dojo was very nice. All were kind to me. A few of them asked if I was coming back, to which I told them that I was from Oregon. While I was in the dressing room, I asked the tall lady how long she had been training. She told me she had been training for about 4 years. She then asked me how long I had been training. I told her that I had been training for about a year. I suddenly felt bad that I had asked that question because I had assumed she was new like me. I quickly added that I train 4 days a week and minus tai chi and iaido that I train about 6.5 hours a week. After that, I kept my mouth shut so as not to make a fool of myself again……

Once I had finished training, I went out and found the sensei at her desk. I made a point to thank her for allowing me to train at her dojo. I said that I thoroughly enjoyed myself and commented that she has a nice dojo. We talked about a few minor things and she asked if I would be able to train anymore this week. I told her that I wasn’t able to train, but it would be nice to train with them again in the future. She doesn’t know it yet, but I am hoping to send her a thank you card. The dojo was nice enough to have a student pick me up, wear one of their gi’s and I trained for free as the mat fee was waved. It was a kind gesture that will not be forgotten.

In the end, I can say that I had a lot of fun. I got to meet and train with some great people. I think training with different teachers and students really helps expand your training. My sensei was right in wanting me to take a class with Malory. It was an inspiration to learn and work with someone like her. The whole experience, though short lived, has me eager to get back to training and I can’t wait until Tuesday night’s class. Howard has already told me that sensei wants to hear all about it. All I can hope is that I did my sensei proud. I can say that I tried and I had fun doing it; and if Graham sensei and Bluhm sensei don’t talk about me, that is even better.

Something’s Looming In the Distance

Back in November four of us tested for 5th kyu. I remember being so nervous and worried that I would fail. FAIL…. Uck that is something I am not good at. It has never been something I have been able to swallow. It is something that I have gotten more gracious at, but it still puts a bitter taste in my mouth. I have always approached it as either you are a winner or a loser. If you get second place, that means you are the first place loser. So on that fateful night, I desperately wanted to pass. Or should I say win? After what seemed like forever (about 30 minutes really), I found out that I passed. I won my first battle. I did not get any feedback from sensei, but I was told by a yudansha that it was a good test. Was it truly a good test? I don’t know. He did pull me aside away from all the other testers to tell me so. Did he do it because he thought I could use the boost of confidence or was it truly warranted? Was my test actually good or did it only appear that way because of the abilities of my peers? All I know is that I felt awkward and clumsy during the entire test and I was nervous as hell. At one point while doing gyaku hanmi katatedori uchi kaitenage, my uke rolled away from me prematurely. Surprisingly, I did not panic and just made sure to control my uke better next time. It was my fault after all.

After the test, we went out for pizza and beer. It was a blast and I hope we can do it again after the next test. On the way out, sensei made it a point to say that it wouldn’t be long before we tested for 4th kyu. Ever since that night, talk of 4th kyu has been non-stop. In fact, it seems that most of the classes have been based around 4th kyu test requirements. Sensei is making it a point of catering to at least me and my husband, but I think others might be testing as well. Just last week we were working on tenchinage. At the end of class, sensei looked right at me and said “That is on the 4th kyu test.” I frequently give one of the yudansha a ride to class and he is constantly saying that it won’t be long before we test for 4th kyu. In fact, he let us borrow a dvd of his that has Chiba Sensei and some of his students demonstrating 5th and 4th kyu testing requirements. Everywhere I go, someone or something is reminding me about this 4th kyu test that is looming in the distance. At this point, I can’t really say how close or far off it is, but I’m sure that sensei will wait until he feels we are more prepared for the test (or at least I can hope).

The more people talk about it, the more nervous I am of this looming mountain in the distance. I have tested before and I know what to expect format-wise. I guess I just have a hard time not knowing what the outcome will be. I will be doing techniques that haven’t been tested before, along with some techniques I am familiar with thrown in (or at least I am pretty sure they will be). I don’t feel prepared and in all honesty, I will never feel that way. My techniques are sloppy and I am clumsy as I move about. I stick my elbows out way too much and I am too nice when I am nage. With the passing of each test, my abilities are supposed to increase, which means that each test will be more stringent. The execution of my technique will become more and more critical. Sensei’s leniency to poor and improper execution will decrease. All of these things are expected of course. The question is, am I to that point? I don’t think I am. Do I trust the judgment of sensei and the other yudansha who will tell me when I am ready? Certainly. Do I trust my own judgment and abilities? Absolutely not.

Wow…. I just discovered the main cause of all my problems. I guess it should be no surprise. I have had very little self confidence most of my life. My husband is always scolding me. Telling me to “look at the positives instead of the negatives all the time”. I can’t blame the way I was raised entirely for my lack of self confidence, but it sure does play a big part. When I was younger, my parents were very supportive of me. I was fairly popular in school, got good grades and had plenty of friends. In 5th grade I was attacked by our dog. I had almost 60 stitches put in my face. From that moment on, everything began to change. Instead of having lots of friends, I had few. I was no longer popular. Instead I was teased relentlessly and called names such as “scarface”. My self confidence faded away. Instead of being the bright yellow flower that forced their way through the snow, I was content lying dormant under the snow. At least there I was often overlooked, which meant no teasing.

As I got into high school, my parents became more critical of me. Why did I get a 99 in science class instead of a 100? I was told by my mother that I wouldn’t go to college and that I wasn’t smart enough to be a veterinarian or an attorney. I was naïve then and I took everything she said as gospel. Now that I have a Master’s degree, I feel that I have proven her wrong. I know that I am capable of achieving things. The problem is I still can’t get out of the mindset that I used for so many years. To me, I am still that girl who was teased all those years. I am still that girl who is not capable of attaining greatness. I have gotten to the point that I no longer see myself as ugly. In fact, there are times when I look in the mirror and I’m amazed to see a pretty girl staring back at me, but the confidence I have in my abilities…. it is still fractured beyond repair.

I don’t have enough faith in my abilities and as if that isn’t enough, I question the faith others have in my abilities. If I don’t see greatness within myself, how can I expect others to see greatness in me? I have been told that I have a good trait called humility. Can something as extreme as what I feel even be called humility? I think not. According to the definition in my dictionary, it means the quality of being modest or respectful. When I look up modest, it says: shy-not confident or assertive and tending to be easily embarrassed, humble-unwilling to draw attention to your own achievements or abilities.

Let’s look at these two definitions for a second. I am by no means shy. In fact, I am a fairly outgoing person these days and I can usually strike up a conversation with anyone. So that takes away one description of humble. Now let’s look at the second description of humble. Can you be unwilling to draw attention to your achievements and abilities if you don’t think you have any achievements or abilities to even be humble about (which I don’t)? I don’t think you can. There, I have thus shown enough evidence to scratch modest off as one of the descriptions of humility by showing that I do not have either of those two qualities: shy or humble.

Now to look up respectful: showing appropriate deference and respect. Deference means putting another person’s interest first as well as submission to the judgment, opinion or wishes of another person. I do fit this description rather well. In order to train in anything, you almost have to trust the judgment or opinion of those senior to you or your training will surely end prematurely (assuming you are completely new and have no previous knowledge). When I look up respect, I get several explanations: a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward someone, the state of being admired and lastly, consideration or thoughtfulness. I certainly have a feeling of admiration towards my seniors. I would love to attain their level of proficiency one day. I do not think I myself am in a state to be admired though. I also think I have consideration for those above and below me. Each are to be respected for different reasons, but respected none the less. In the end, I guess I do fulfill the respectful part of the humility definition. So, I guess I am partially humble if you scrutinize it with enough detail.

Wow, I digressed quite a bit there! Back to the topic on hand (the looming test in the distance in case you forgot). There are several things that I am going to make a conscious effort to fix, alter or improve upon. First and foremost, I am going to really make an effort to believe in myself. I think my lack of self confidence is actually hurting my performance in class. In essence, I am holding myself back because I do not have the confidence in my technique. In all actuality, my technique might improve if I were to perform it with the confidence that I am capable of doing it. Perform it without hesitation, second thoughts and questioning every little detail! I’m not saying that I cannot analyze my technique for errors, but don’t go into the technique thinking that something is going to go wrong. Feel it out.

My second task is to use the ground I walk upon for energy. This will actually help cover several more areas that I need to improve upon. Instead of using my upper body, use my center. Using my center will cause me to sink more into my hips, which will then cause me to use my legs more. My legs will then have to rely on the ground to help drive the technique. If this is done, then my entire body will be moving as a single unit. Not only will I be more balanced, but I will also have more oomph to my technique. My last task is to continue to do what I am doing now. Show up, train and have fun. Train in a light hearted manner, but treat training as a serious endeavor. Stop apologizing so much. Continue to work with as many students as possible and listen to what the yudansha tell me. Look for the subtleties that are often lost on unseeing eyes. Stop being so critical of yourself and simply enjoy the ride. Have faith that everything else will fall into place in due time. Oh and one more thing, stop sticking your elbows out so much!


Words by DMX:
One more road to cross, one more risk to take.
Gotta live my life like there’s one more move to make.

Seeing With Your Eyes

Lately, I have been trying to see with my eyes. It sounds so obvious and simple “see with your eyes”, but what I have come to realize is that it isn’t a simple task. Countless people walk around every day seeing, without really seeing anything. They don’t take in their surroundings, as they are only focused on the path directly in front of them. The details of their surroundings melt away, carelessly dismissed. Or perhaps they see, but they deem it useless information and don’t really give it time to process. What a waste of such a beautiful gift. Sight, one of the best assets we have, yet we never really take the time to acknowledge exactly how valuable a tool it is.

I have become conscious of the fact that I myself am quite guilty of not seeing as well as I should. Through my years of martial arts training, I have been taught to be aware of my surroundings and to take in the little details. You know… those little details that could vary well save your life one day. The other day in class, sensei was demonstrating a technique (we were working on irimi and irimi-tenkan against tanto). I carefully watched his every movement. Saw what he did with his hands, saw that he entered. I thought I saw everything to this simple technique. It turns out that I did not see everything. I tossed aside some valuable information. Previously we were both starting in gyaku hanmi. This time we were supposed to start in ai hanmi. When I went to do the technique, I was baffled at the fact that I was ending up no the wrong side of the knife. I knew something was wrong. I tried recalling the details of sensei’s demonstration. Sensei came to my rescue and told me that I needed to start with the other foot forward. The light bulb finally came on.

How could I be so blind? How could I overlook something so important? Sure, what I did got me out of the way of the knife. Sure, I had other techniques that were available to me, but it wasn’t the one I was supposed to be working on. I admonished myself and told myself I would be more aware with the details from now on. Truthfully, this will happen again; just like it has happened several times in the past. I would like to think that I am getting better at taking in the whole picture. In all honesty, there are times where I am so focused on watching what his hands are doing that I forget to see how he started out with his stance. I am able to tell his general movement, but starting out on the wrong foot can make a world of difference.

I am at the point that the first time I try to take in the entire picture. Get the general layout of the technique. The second time, I see what his hands are doing. Is he throwing in an atemi as well? Is he flipping his wrist over at the last second before uke grabs it? The third time, I try to pay careful attention to his footwork. The fourth time I use for whatever I still think I need more information about. It may be looking at the general picture again or it may focus on something particular. It just depends on how familiar I am with the technique. If it is something I have never done before, I may watch uke instead to see how he takes the ukemi. Since I am usually the one being tossed around first, I find this valuable information. Being uke first also allows me to watch nage and have the ability to process the technique a bit more before it is my turn.

Seeing with your eyes…. Something so simple and intuitive, yet we must train ourselves to look for the details. We must not blindly walk through life. Take in, absorb and process your surroundings; both the obvious and the subtle. There is a saying that goes “It’s all in the details.” More and more, I am beginning to see just how accurate of a statement it really is.