Last Class of 2009

Well, it has been quite some time since I have posted. Between life getting in the way and both of my laptops getting a virus I haven’t really been able to do much online. I know; excuses, excuses. I had a really interesting class on Saturday the 18th. I will have to post about that another time though because I need to list all the techniques we did. I came to several realizations in that class. So stay tuned for information about that class!

Last Wednesday was the last class we had before the dojo closed until the New Year. Wednesday’s class was a hectic class. We had a guy come for a visit who used to go to our dojo. He was a fantastic guy! He was very nice, amazingly smooth rolls and just an all round great person to work with. He was a very sympathetic uke and he gave a lot of feedback. If I wasn’t sure about something, but was actually doing it correctly, he would say, “That’s it. Keep going.” I have no idea what rank he is or left at, but I would love to work with the guy again. Sensei used him as uke for a bit too, which speaks for him. Sensei doesn’t just use anyone for uke. We worked a lot on techniques that required a fish like movement. You know, you stick your hand out in front of you parallel to the floor with your thumb up towards the ceiling and move your hand like a fish swimming. Amazingly enough, this analogy really helped me grasp the motion better. Before, I was doing more like a palm heel strike movement. Somehow, this extra grace and tiny change of the movement was all it took.

Sensei used me as uke for several techniques. One was where he did that “fish-like movement” to your ribs. I was letting my arm relax and allowing him to make contact with my ribs and leaning my body away from the strike as he pushed. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but he told me he wanted me to ride the motion. He said he couldn’t strike me harder unless I rode his energy. I nodded. My first thought was don’t let him strike me, so for this I realized that I could no longer relax my arm as much as I did before. Sensei then did his swimming fish thing and without any effort of my own, I soon found myself swimming in the river and flying across the dojo. I landed rather nicely and couldn’t help but smile. There have only been a handful of times where I can truly say that I had ridden the energy completely. I got back up and quickly ran over to sensei and grabbed his wrist for more. What joy!

Sensei then had us go back and work with our partners. I was working with the guy I had previously mentioned. Once I discovered what it was like to ride out this technique, I was flying all over the mat! At one point, me and another uke had a run in. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but my head got whacked by something HARD! It may have been the other uke’s head or elbow. We both got up and asked if the other way okay. Once we saw we were both alright, back to flying we went! We also worked on hanmi hidachi nikyo and a few other fun techniques.

Sensei used me to demonstrate ryotedori shihonage. This went smoothly for the most part. After I took ukemi, sensei told me to keep moving and that would help with the flow of my ukemi. I was working with a yudansha and sensei told me I had stopped moving. The next time he went to throw me, I kept my feet moving. I moved in a complete circle and then I was confused. I had walked a circle in the exact same spot, so I had walked out of shihonage. My partner did another throw to me while sensei laughed at my confusion. Once I got up he told me “You kept your feet moving, but you didn’t walk anywhere.” I couldn’t help but return his smile as I again attempted to take more flowing ukemi.

At the end of the night sensei used me for uke again to demonstrate a few throws from ryotedori. I don’t really know what they are called, but kokyunage seems like a good catch all phrase for these types of throws. He was doing a few different variations and one in particular I had a hard time keeping up with. I had never taken ukemi from either of these before. Sensei was rather patient on letting me get to where I needed to be. As soon I got that down, he went to another one. By this point, I was completely exhausted. I was feeling a bit dizzy and had a hard time catching my breath because my nose has been so stuffy and when I train it begins to run down my throat. So, I have a stuffy nose and a throat coated in mucus. Both of those things don’t allow me to breathe too well. Grr…. A few of my falls must have looked pretty rough. Sensei doesn’t often ask me if I am okay after taking ukemi, so when he does, I know it must have looked bad. The key to both good and bad ukemi is to relax. Even if you take bad ukemi, I find that staying relaxed is enough to keep me from getting hurt.

One thing aikido has taught me is to just go with the flow. You can’t really worry about where you are going to end up. You just have to worry about moving. Luckily, I don’t really have a fear of taking ukemi and I am able to just let myself move (though sometimes I am clumsy if I have never taken ukemi for it). Sometimes if I still don’t get the ukemi right, sensei will have me sit and watch someone else take it. I don’t really look at this as if I failed. I look at what they are doing that I am not doing. Sometimes he asks me back up to try to take ukemi again and other times he doesn’t. I know I will get the chance again some day!

Anyway, after we all had our chance to do the two techniques (I stuck to just one because I had a hard time with it) the class came to a close. What a great way to end training for 2009! After class a few people walked up to me and asked if I was okay. They said I looked like I wasn’t feeling well. Even my husband asked me several times if I was alright. I told everyone that I was fine, but tired. One of the yudansha told me that it is strange how your ukemi changes when you are tired. Usually I find I am more relaxed when I am tired, but obviously I am not able to just jump up and attack as quickly as I could if I weren’t. Howard then asked me if I wanted to go home instead of staying for iaido. Let’s face it, iaido doesn’t really require that much energy, so staying wouldn’t really be an issue. Instead of taking this route of logic, I swallowed my pride and told him that we could go. I really was tired and all I wanted to do was lay down. We both walked downstairs and told sensei that we weren’t going to stay for iaido. I then told sensei that unfortunately we wouldn’t be here for New Years training on the second because we had family coming into town. He looked a bit sad and told us that we would be missed.

We all stood around and chatted for a bit after changing. I told the guy who was in town visiting that it was a pleasure to meet him and that I really enjoyed training with him. I asked when he would be back again and he said sometime in the summer. At that point, I did something that hurt my finger. When they inquired what I did to my finger, I then told them how I must be fragile because I had hurt it the other night lifting pillows of all things. I never knew that lifting pillows could give your middle finger a strain, but it can… The visitor looked at me and said I don’t believe anything about you being fragile. If someone can take ukemi from Bluhm Sensei, then they aren’t fragile at all. That made me feel a little better about my ukemi, but my injured finger does speak for itself! At that point, we all said our goodbyes, Merry Christmases and our happy new years.

As I sit here a week and a day since my last training, I can’t help but reflect on my training in 2009. My first steps on the mat in March seem so far away; a distant memory. My technique and ukemi is still atrocious, but I can honestly say that I have seen improvement in myself. My ukemi is slowing getting more fluid and soft. My techniques aren’t quite as rigid and choppy. I also realize that I have a lot of work before me. I have much to learn and much to improve upon. It’s hard to believe that in three more months, I will have already been training at the dojo for a year! In the meantime, I am waiting for 2010 to roll around. Hopefully, it will be another rewarding year of aikido training!

Big wheels keep on turnin'

This week has been a bit of a blur. Tuesday seems like the distant past; almost like a foggy hint of a dream…. Anyway, despite the fact that I don’t really recall much of anything, I do know that I left the class feeling alright with myself. Having all the new people there has slowed the class down a bit, which is just what I needed that night. Going slow allows me the chance to really analyze and/or feel what I am doing. I appreciate the opportunity of working with beginners. First off, it shows me that I have gotten better over the past 9 months or so and working with them helps me realize my own mistakes. They don’t know how to move, so you really have to do the technique right to get them moving. If I don’t lift their elbow, it isn’t going. They aren’t able to move yet and they can’t anticipate what you are doing, so they can’t be nice to you. Working with the beginners is a sobering experience that can be both challenging and rewarding.

At the end of the class sensei had me and a yudansha demonstrate suwariwaza ryotedori kokyuho. Well, I didn’t really demonstrate so much as take the ukemi for it. The dojo was so hot and muggy that I lost grip of his wrist. Sensei scolded me for it and I made sure it didn’t happen again after I wiped my hands on my pants. Since the class was an odd number, sensei reid to me and offered to work on the technique from standing (he isn’t able to do suwariwaza right now). I wasn’t really expecting him to take me all the way to the mat, but he ended up putting me first into a roll and then decided to put me into a breakfall. Once that was done, he sorta hip threw me. I’m not sure if he wanted me to turn into him (so our chests were facing the same direction) or not, so I stayed where I was and he hip threw me to the mat. He did that a few times. One time he threw me harder then he meant to and asked me if I was fine. I quickly got to my feet and told him I was (I didn’t think I was thrown hard at all actually).

At this point, sensei decided to move on. He had me grab him again and then he stepped in. He told me to turn so we were facing the same way, so I did. He then dropped his hips and raised me up on his back. YAY! This was going to be a fun throw! Next thing I know, he is doing koshinage to me. He was very slow and gentle (a bit to my disappointment because being thrown slow messes up my timing a bit). I think he was just test driving my comfort with this type of throw and seeing how I would land. I got back up to my feet and said “That was fun!” I guess this was what sensei wanted to hear because he decided to throw me a few more times and each time he threw me it got a little bit faster. The last time he threw me I felt like my landing was perfect. My slap had great timing and I thought to myself “That was the best yet!” then sensei quickly popped my bubble by saying “You land too hard.”

At that point, sensei clapped and had us line up to bow out of class. After class, we went downstairs I asked sensei how I could practice soft breakfalls. He explained that there are times when all of your body should land at once and there are times where you can slightly round your body. He told me that my fall was not incorrect, but he wanted me to start working on taking softer breakfalls. I told him that I was more then willing to try and then said that it would probably be a hard habit for me to break because that is how I was taught to land in my previous style. Sensei smiled and said “Yes. You have jujitsu style landings.” I know I can start working on these softer breakfalls because the rest of my ukemi has become softer over the past few months. Before, all of my falls were “hard” but I have learned to take softer landings. I am sure my breakfalls would become the same way if given the opportunity to work on them more often.

Wednesday’s class was very hectic. The class was non-stop and it wasn’t long before we had the windows all foggy. It was actually nice to have very little rest period in between the techniques because I need the exercise. I have been doing nothing but pigging out for the past few weeks (Thanksgiving, dojo potluck, work potluck, Christmas is coming up and New Years is coming up). The only thing I really remember is one time sensei called me up to be uke. He was demonstrating gyaku hanmi katatedori kaitenage to katagatame. Well, the first time he did it, I wasn’t sure what was going on. At first I was going forward and I thought I was going into a roll, but then I could feel myself being pulled back, so I followed. I ended up where I was supposed to be, albeit it clumsily. I sheepishly looked up at sensei and apologized. It doesn’t happen too often that I don’t do what is expected of me, so when it does happen I feel very stupid. After that, I didn’t have a problem. About three times he took me down partway and then let me up. I don’t know if he was just seeing if I was going down or if I was still be lively or not, but I think I passed the test because I popped back up as soon as he wasn’t taking me down anymore.

Thursday there were four students. Two yudansha, me and the guy I always mention who has been there a little over a year. Since both of us are 5th kyu, the yudansha decided to make the class based around the 4th kyu testing requirements. I found this very useful because the techniques that we did were techniques that I have either never done before or haven’t had much practice with. I really appreciated the opportunity and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was a very laid back and casual class, which was nice because it allowed for the opportunity of asking questions. I can’t ask questions in an every day class because we try to minimize talking in the class. That isn’t to say that you can’t ask questions, but the opportunity isn’t as available as it was for this class.

Here is a list of techniques we worked on. I was told this was about 1/3 or the list of requirements for the 4th kyu test:
Gyaku hanmi katatedori:
Ikkyo
Nikyo
Sankyo
Soto kaitenage sankyo
Reverse kotegaeshi
Shihonage
Iriminage (jodan)

Once that class was over, it was the same four of us for the weapons class that sensei taught. We did some jo combinations as well as jo versus bokken combinations. It was a lot of fun. Although my technique with the jo is horrendous I noticed that I was improving a bit. Bit by bit, the corrections from sensei are slowly changing, which means one of two things: I am either getting better at it so he has moved on to fixing something else or that I am so hopeless that he has given up on correcting that habit. HAHA. I would like to think it is the first one. The other 5th kyu who was there was having some difficulties with the testing requirements and with the jo and I think that is what also made me realize that I am progressing with the evil jo after all. I guess in the end I realized two things: big wheels keep on turning and blood, sweat, bumps and bruises do lead to improvement over time.

Playing Catch Up

Let’s go back to the 5th, which was a Saturday. Sensei decided that the theme for this class would be yokomenuchi. For an hour and a half, everything we did began with a yokomenuchi attack. We did all sorts of techniques: ikkyo, nikyo, sankyo, yonkyo, gokyo, shihonage, kotegaeshi, kokyuho, as well as a few techniques that don’t have a name. No surprise, but I realized that my nikyo and sankyo need some work. Actually, no need to be modest, it needs a LOT of work! I figure that will come with time though. We also did some techniques using the tanto. We did ikkyo and gokyo from a yokomenuchi attack and we did some basic evasion (irimi) and kotegaeshi from tsuki. All in all, I found it to be an enjoyable class. A bit challenging at times, but it went well. I guess that is something I should get used to. It seems Saturday’s is more of an advanced class and I am one of the few beginners that come on a regular basis.

Tuesday’s class went well. We had three beginners. Each of them has only attended a few classes. Sensei made it a really laid back class. We worked on ukemi, irimi, tenkan, irimi-tenkan, tai no henko (3 variations), gyaku hanmi kokyuho and maybe something else. At one point I was working with the new girl (We’ll call her Anna). She seemed a bit frustrated. I did my best to help her by leading her hand and such. I have no problem working with beginners. This is my second time around as a beginner in martial arts, so I guess I can really empathize with them. After class I was talking to her and she told me she was frustrated because she is confused all the time. I smiled and told her that unfortunately, that comes with being a beginner in aikido. I told her that I have been in class for 9 months now and I still feel hopelessly lost at times. I then told her that there are days that I leave the dojo very frustrated with myself. That seemed to put her at ease a little bit. I told her to stick with it and that slowly, but surely, it would get a little easier. As my husband and I were walking up to the dojo for Tai Chi, sensei stopped Anna and told her not to be so frustrated with herself. Anna said that she would try to stick with it and that she would give it more time. I asked her if she would be in class on Thursday (the other beginner night) and she said yes, but she didn’t show up.

Wednesday’s class was frustrating. Sensei’s wife used to teach the intro to weapons class, but now they have another yudansha teaching. I really like this guy, but tonight he was very strict (which I don’t mind by the way). We were working with the jo and doing some basic responses. Well he kept telling us we were too close to each other. Each time, I made sure that I was not in range of my partners jo, but he still said I was too close. So, each time I continued to move further away from my partner. It got to the point that after I blocked, when I slid down the jo, I could no longer hit their hands. He then told me that I had to hit the hands. Needless to say, I was getting very frustrated. Anyway, by the time class was over, I was glad. I know that isn’t necessarily a good thing, but everyone has one of those days right?

Second hour was me, my husband, sensei, a yudansha and another student who has been there a little over a year. Sensei had us get bokkens and we were working on a few things. Well, at one point, I was working with sensei. Both people were attacking shomen, except one person would turn slightly offline and then “finish” the other person. Well, sensei had just told me to use control and to ensure that my arm stayed straight when WHAM! All the sudden, the top of my head hurt as if I had been hit in the head with something hard and solid. Wait…. I was hit in the head with something hard and solid. I just got cracked upside the head with sensei’s heavy bokken! I tried to be nice about it and play it off, but it really hurt! It brought tears to my eyes! Sensei placed his hand on my head where he hit it and said “I haven’t done that in a while.” I again told him I was fine. We went back to practicing. The rest of the class went pretty uneventful. I did have a tender head though that night and the next day.

Thursday was another laid back class. It was me, my husband, the guy who’s been there for a little over a year and two beginners. We worked on tai no henko, morotedori kokyuho, morotedori nikyo and I think that is it. Anyway, class went pretty well. The only problem I had was working with the one new guy on tai no henko. He is a very strong guy and he likes to clench the life out of your wrists/forearm. Working with this guy is a blessing and a burden I guess. I really like working with him because I can’t muscle my way through a technique. It is either proper form or I’m not going anywhere. Anyway, while working with him on tai no henko, it wasn’t so much as a do the technique right as it was an “Ouch, my bones are bending!” thing. The sempai who was teaching kept iterating the importance of getting under nage’s wrist, moving with nage to maintain contact and such, but none of this was really sinking in with him. It wasn’t long before I was dreading my turn to do the technique. I mean, my arms were seriously hurting! I just kept hoping that the sempai would clap and we’d all line up for the next technique, but no such luck. The torture just kept going on…. and on….. and on! It did end though eventually. Needless to say, the rest of the techniques hurt a bit because my arms were tender.

Second hour sensei had us get shinai’s to work. Sensei said he wanted us to work on having relaxed hands, a sense of sticky swords, as well as moving and being light on our feet. I actually had a lot of fun in this class. There were four of us for this class, so it was nice having even numbers. I started to get a good feeling for being light with my hands. One of my favorite things we did was I would lower my sword to the right and the other person would come in to strike my wrists in a shomen-type cut. Before they got your wrist, you would slide back and lift your sword up so it’s parallel to the floor. That would block the attack and then you slide it down the blade in a shomen-type cut and ended up cutting their wrist. I am much more comfortable working with the sword and I think it shows. I think I am just more relaxed and fluid with it. Doing iaido probably helps with that though. I’m guaranteed to work with the sword at least twice a week, where we don’t always work with the jo.

Saturday I stayed home from class. We were having a potluck at the dojo later that night and I figured it would give me time to bake and do the other foods that I was bringing to the dojo. Turns out it was a good thing I skipped class because the roads were a sheet of ice. My husband had to be at work at 7 in the morning and he said he had to drive 18 mph the whole way because the roads were a sheet of ice. Anyway, the roads cleared up in time for the 6 p.m. potluck. It was a lot of fun. We had some good food: okonomiyaki (cabbage pancakes), chili, lasagna, chips & chicken dip, watergate salad, snickerdoodles, carrot cake, marrionberry pie and two types of beer. Everything was homemade except for the last three items on that list. It was great to sit in a circle on the floor and just socialize. I brought the chips & chicken dip, watergate salad and the snickerdoodles. At one point, I took snickerdoodles off the list and sensei got upset because he said I couldn’t mention bringing snickerdoodles and then take it off the list. So, I ended up bringing them to make him happy. He made a point to say that the snickerdoodles were good. Actually, they were fairly popular because quite a few were eaten. I ended up going to sensei at the end of the potluck and asked him if he would like the smaller tin of cookies. He smiled and said “They would be eaten.” I then handed over the tin for his eating pleasure.

Well, now we are all caught up. Sorry I have been slacking on my entries lately. Things are getting pretty hectic. Work is getting busier again and the holiday season seems to keep most people running around with their head chopped off. Hopefully, I will be able to write more frequently again soon.

Mental Block.....

I have been struggling to come up with something to write lately. Aikido is going like "normal", but life? Life is getting….. complicated. As of this moment, my family is in a bit of a crisis. I won't go into details because it is personal, but quite frankly I doubt that any of you are interested in hearing about it. With the holiday season upon us, I have begun to slip into a bit of a scrooge mentality. Truthfully, I am a bit over the holiday season this year. Too many things going on and if I could, I would put the holiday season on the backburner. Since I can't do that, I just push myself to do what is expected of me. I know that at some point during this "most wonderful time of the year" that a smile will come to my face and I will have a good time, but until then, I will stay as I am. Don't worry though, I am not depressed or anything. Been there, done that.

Anywho, since this is an aikido blog, I guess I will get back to the topic. We have a couple new people in the dojo. For this blog, I will call the new guy "Larry". I'm not sure if Larry has any previous martial arts experience or not, but what I can say is that he is VERY stiff. I have worked with him a few times over the past couple weeks. The first time I worked with him we were doing ikkyo and nikyo. Let's just say that he has an iron grip and that moving him is like moving a rock. I was able to do the technique provided I used good technique (which is a good thing to be challenged in this way). When I got him to the mat for nikyo, I was not able to get my grabbed wrist free. My wrist is a tiny 5" circumference, so most people can easily grab and hold onto me. No matter what I tried (yes, I went against the thumb), I could not free myself. Anyway, that didn't really bother me too much. I know I could have easily hauled off and punched him in the kidney, head, etc and he would have let go. I'm capable of being an aggressive person if necessary (though you probably wouldn't guess it by my mild mannered action in aikido). Throw me into a more aggressive style and I love it. Anyway, it did bug me that I wasn't able to release my wrist with an effortless and painless (for uke) method. Instead, I ended up with horrible bruising on my forearms due to his grip. Guess this will come with more practice though. Not too worried about it.

Saturday was a fun class. The class was about half yudansha and half lower rankers. We did a lot of things. We worked on a lot of things for those who are testing for 1st kyu. Some of the things are over my head, but I still appreciate the challenge. It is always nice to be introduced to something new. The great thing about it is that I feel like there is no pressure. I am not expected to get it. Yesterday's class was pretty mild because we had Larry there. The class was basically based around the concept and use of irimi. We worked on: jodan, gedan & chudan variations of tai no henko, ryotedori kokyuho & tenchinage and gyaku hanmi iriminage. Sensei had me work with Larry for both gyaku hanmi iriminage and for ryotedori kokyuho. He was allowed to throw me, but I was only to take him to the point of where his balance was taken. We were working on the high version of iriminage. I was able to get my hand up towards his face by using my center, but after cutting his arm, I was having problems again with getting my wrist free. I wasn't able to move behind him until I freed my hand. Sensei came over and was able to show me how to move my hand to get it free. Once I got that, I was able to do the technique once again.

When it came time to work with Larry for ryotedori kokyuho, sensei came over and showed Larry how to do it again and showed me how far he wanted me to take Larry in the technique. Larry did pretty well on this technique for a first time. I helped guide his stiff arms as best as I could in order to get him in the correct position. He seems eager to learn. I think sensei partnered me with him in case he threw me a bit hard. I guess he figures I can handle being tossed around. Another reason may be that he wants me to work on correct form and I am forced to do that when working with Larry because he is so stiff and rigid. At the end of class, he told me and my husband thank you for training with him. I found that rather nice. There are several other people in the dojo that he should be thanking instead of me. After all, I don't have too much to offer him at this point, but I appreciated it none the less.

After tai chi, a lady asked me and my husband if there was proper etiquette when it came to leaving the dojo. We both told her no. She was telling us that she enjoyed watching us do aikido (tai chi immediately follows aikido) and that she admired our prowess. I couldn't help but giggle and I told her that I certainly did not feel like I had any prowess at all. She said she thought it was neat how we could all be thrown and pop right back up for more. She then went on to say that she never had an interest in martial arts before, but has discovered that it is such a personal journey that she finds herself loving it more and more. That, I could completely agree with. Aikido is such a personal journey for me. I have people who walk with me at times, but ultimately, I am walking this long road all on my own.

A Not So Short Story

After my test, I was cruising along the aikido highway in my car, admiring the scenery, listening to Tom Petty's song "I Won't Back Down" when… it happened. I hit a pothole; a large, ugly pothole that shook my car so hard that my tire felt as if it were about to fall off. I cringed at the sound my car was now making. My once happy Cabrio (aka Lil Blue) was now making the most awful sounds. I slow down and carefully pull off the road in order to assess the damage. I get out of my car and tentatively walk towards the left rear tire. I figure, if I approach it slowly and with caution, that maybe, just maybe, it would be alright. I get there and look down; yappari (as I expected), it was ruined. Instead of a tire, I was now the proud owner of what appeared to be rubbergami (rubber origami).

I pop the trunk and dig around inside. Mat for the ground, check. Tire iron, check. Jack, check. Spare tire, uhm…. where is the spare tire!?! I'm now staring at an empty compartment which is supposed to house my spare tire! How can a spare tire just mysteriously disappear! It was there when I got the car and I have never had reason to use it before. As I investigate this compartment, I become convinced there is a second hidden compartment in here somewhere. A crumpled up piece of paper catches my eye. I open it up and scribbled on it in pencil is a note "You won't need a spare tire, so I took it. ~Sensei" My first reaction was hostility. How could he take my tire!?! Then confusion set in. How did he even get into my trunk to take my tire!?! Then sadness took over. How could he do this to me?

I sigh as I sit down on the fender of my car, looking around for help. It seems that this once busy highway has suddenly become desolate. I take my cell phone out of my coat pocket and start to call for help. That is when I realize, I have absolutely no signal. I quickly close the phone and angrily shove it back in my pocket as I kick the dirt with my sneaker. Reality is sinking in; I've hit a pothole, I'm not going anywhere, and I have no one to help me. I sit and stare at the now setting sun, the warm rays are the only blanket of comfort I have. Thoughts flow through my head. Why didn't I see the pothole? Or if I did see the pothole, why didn't it register in my head? If it did register in my head, then why wasn't I able to avoid the pothole? Why did sensei leave me without a spare tire? What am I going to do now?

I open up my phone again, as if magically my husband would call and tell me he is on the way with the spare tire that sensei took from me. Instead, I stare at my hoops & yoyo Thanksgiving wallpaper. Happy Thanksgiving my (_!_). I look out at the setting sun, which is in the direction I had come from. I try to remember if I had passed anything in walking distance. That is when I vaguely remember passing a gas station. Problem was, I recall that being about 50 miles back. I glared resentfully at the sun. It was like it was setting on my past, telling me that I could not go back. That left me with two options: Stay and wait or walk in the direction where I was going. Problem is, I have no idea where I was going; I have never been there before. For all I know, something could be 2 miles away or it could be 70 miles away.

As the sun slipped beneath the horizon, twilight set in. I have always found this light eerie yet beautiful. I despise being alone outside at night, let alone in the middle of nowhere, so I began to get anxious as I tried to figure out what I would do. Since it was getting dark, I decided to stay with the car. Luckily for me, it didn't seem like it would be too cold. I dug around some more in the trunk. I know I have an emergency roadside kit in here somewhere…… AH! I pull out a duffel bag. I take out a few flares and ignite them before setting them behind and in front of my car. I climb back into my car and grab the blanket that I had on the back seat for my dog. As I sat there alone, hunger began to set in. I had one bottle of water that was ¾ full and one black cherry kashi granola bar that was misshapen from being in my purse for the past week. I eat half and force myself to keep the other half for tomorrow. I wrap myself up in the blanket and stare out the windshield.

I am now sitting with nothing but darkness around me. I start the car and my cd starts playing again "Heeeey Baby. There ain't no easy way out. Heeeey I… will stand my ground. And I won't back down. No, I won't back… down." I laugh at the irony. I cripple my tire to a song titled "I won't back down" and here I am sitting, sulking, ready to give in. The music has me feeling a bit better. I check the gas gage and I have about half a tank. I can afford to let it run a bit longer. I recline my seat and curl up. You just gotta love heated leather seats! As I stare out the windshield once more, I finally notice something. The night is full of stars. I have never seen so many bright shiny stars in my life! I begin to count, but I realize it is a futile endeavor. I find myself wishing I had my camera. This would be an AMAZING shot with a long exposure. I stare at it, hoping to burn this beautiful image into my brain forever.

After a while, I decide that it is best for me to turn off my engine. I make sure the doors are locked and I lay there waiting for sleep to overcome me. Next thing I know, I wake up with the sun shining directly on my face. I groggily open up my eyes…. and reach for my sunglasses. For a second I think about going back to sleep, then I realize I am on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I quickly sit up and throw the blanket off of me. The clock says 7:37 a.m. I hurry up and chow down my meager breakfast of half a kashi bar and drink a bit of water. I grab the blanket, put my water in my purse and climb out of the car. I make sure I have everything that I "think" I could need and lock the doors. I begin to set out towards the rising sun.

Every so often, I pull my phone out and check for signal. I try to find things to do to entertain myself, but instead all I can think about is how I got in this situation. My calm composure quickly turns into agitation and before I know it, I am fuming all over again about how sensei took my spare tire. As I walk, I contemplate about a lesson. Is this some sort of strange method of teaching me something? Am I Daniel-san in the Karate Kid? Something reflecting catches my eye. I look down and realize it is a smooth, white rock. I pick it up and form a fist around it. It feels warm in my hand. I bring my arm back and throw it as hard and far as I can. This causes me to drop my blanket in the dirt. I pick it back up and shake the dirt off, which of course flies back into my eyes. Great, now I am lost and can barely see.

I continue walking again, squinting all the while. A lot of good my sunglasses did with keeping the dirt out of my eyes. I then begin to think about the effectiveness of safety glasses, at least I did until I realized how much a nerd I was being. I quickly pushed that out of my thoughts and began to sing Lady Gaga. "When you give me k-kisses, that's money, honey. When I'm your lover and your mistress. That's money, honey. When you touch me it's so delicious. That's money, honey. When you tear me to pieces. That's money honey." Next thing I know, I see that damn white rock again. I pick it up, but this time I put it in my pocket. I figured it must have been fate for me to find it a second time. That and I didn't want to get more dirt in my eyes. The sting from the dirt had finally begun to fade.

It seems like I have been walking forever. I dig through my purse for my burts bees lip balm. I pull it out and put some on. As I put it back into my purse, I realize I have some sweet mint trident gum in my purse too, so I pop a piece into my mouth. At least now I have minty fresh breath and my mouth won't be so dry and ucky. I look up at the sun. It is pretty high in the sky now, so it must be close to noon. That means I have been walking for three hours and I have yet to find anything! I take a few swigs of warm water, which does nothing to quench my thirst. I take out my phone expecting to be disappointed again, but to my surprise, I have a text message. I open it up. It is a message from my hubby and it says "Are you alright? I haven't heard from you since yesterday."

I start to dial the area code and then the signal goes away. A few obscenities flow out of my mouth. I can't help but notice when I say things like that because it is very unnatural for me. Those words just aren't in my daily vocabulary. Oddly enough though, they sounded perfectly natural just then. I look around, hoping for a cell tower nearby or at least something high to stand on (or jump off of if I don't get signal). No such luck. I begin to run; towards what, I have no idea. My sneakers smacking the pavement and my junk rattling in my purse are the only things I hear. Tears begin to fall and pretty soon my cheeks are wet and my lips are salty. My bitter tears only cause me to run faster. Maybe if I run fast enough, I can outrun my problems. No such luck; I trip over my blanket and fall to the ground. I lie there in a heap, crying. I just want to get home. I don't want to be lost anymore…..

I laid there until all the tears I had to cry were cried. The one thing I hate about crying is that you are left with a stuffy nose, not to mention you look like crap. I pick myself up from the ground, not even bothering to wipe the dirt and gravel off of my jeans or hoodie. I suddenly remember that I had my phone in my pocket. I pull it out and expect the worst. I stare at the back of the phone, too afraid to turn it over and see how cracked the front screen is. I run my fingers over the screen. I don't feel a crack…. I turn the phone over. The screen is intact. The second test is whether it actually works or not. I decide to just open it. I figured it would be like a band-aid. Just rip it off and get the pain over with.

To my astonishment, not only does the phone work, but I have two bars! I quickly dial my husband and then bring my head down to the phone. I am too afraid to move it, figuring I may have found the holy grail of phone reception in this tiny spot and if I move it, it may very will disappear to never be found again. I anxiously wait while the phone dials. It rings once. Twice. A third time. Then a fourth time. I hear my husband's voice on the phone. Disappointment takes over when I realize it is just a recording. I leave him a message telling him I have no idea where I am, but I tell him how I got to where I was. I told him I was on a highway with no mile post markers, so I had no idea how far I had gone from my car. I then hung up. Who else can I call? The rest of my family lives over 3,000 miles away! AAA? That would work if I had their number…..

Suddenly, this awful deafening sound comes out from nowhere. I cover my ears with the blanket and my hands and desperately look around for the source. Nothing. I am all alone in a wasteland with an ear piercing sound that is coming from nowhere. My surroundings are becoming blurry. What is wrong with me? I drop to my knees and then lay down in the fetal position. My head feels as if it going to explode if the sound doesn't stop soon. I press my hands harder against my head in an attempt to make the pain stop. My right hand touches something warm and moist. Am I bleeding? Am I going to die? Despite the pain, I pull my hand away from my ear. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see it isn't blood. It is only then that I realize I am crying. My breaths are becoming quicker and shallower. I know I'm about to pass out. That will be a welcome reprieve from this pain.

I open my eyes to complete darkness. The sound is still going off, but it isn't as loud or as painful anymore; just annoying. For a second, I am confused. I don't recognize where I am. That is when I realize I am home, in bed and my alarm has been going off. I reach up and quickly turn it off. I never knew technology could cause so much pain. I squint at the blue screen on my clock, trying to make out the blurry numbers. 3:24 a.m. Why did my alarm go off? It is Saturday night and Sunday is my day to sleep in. I roll over and see the comfort that I so desperately wanted in my dream. My husband is sleeping ever so peacefully. I watch him take slow breaths and wonder how the hell he managed to sleep through that noise.

I begin to slide over to him in an attempt to calm myself. About half way over, I realize my pillow is soaking wet. Oh no, my ears were bleeding! I bring my shaky hand up to my face, which is cold and clammy. I lick my lips; salt. I must have been crying in my sleep. I hurry up and flip my pillows over before I freak myself out again and wiggle my way into his arms. I sigh, my body feels suddenly heavy. It was as if I had been in a battle and could finally rest in the arms of the one I loved. I have always said that I knew we were meant to be because I fit so perfectly in his arms. It is the one place where I have always felt safe and loved.

With that, I fall back into a deep, restful sleep. I can feel the warm sun shining on my face. I open my eyes, feeling quite rested. I expected to see my loving husband looking at me. Instead, sensei is standing there, looking down at me. I close my eyes and groan. You never go back to the same dream when you wake up from a pleasant dream….. only the nightmares. This time is different though, I know I am dreaming and I feel as if I can somehow control the outcome of this dream. I look up at sensei and ask point blank why he would take my tire. He just smiled and said that I didn't need a spare. He offered his hand to help me up. I reached out to take it and then changed my mind. I didn't need his help. Okay, so I did, but I was too hurt and full of pride at the moment to accept it.

I looked around, expecting to see his car somewhere, but despite all my searching, I came up with nothing. I looked at sensei, waiting for a magical answer, but he didn't reply. Tired of these games, I began to walk towards where I have never been. I look over and sensei is walking beside me. At least I have company this time. A long time went by without any conversation. I began to get hungry and my stomach rumbled. Sensei reached in his pocket and pulled out a clear container that held sushi. I gave him a strange look, but he again offered me the sushi. I happily took it and quickly began shoving the sushi in my mouth. There is a time for manners and there is a time when they should be thrown out the window. I decided this was a time when they could be abandoned. By the time I was full, I ate about half of the sushi. I told sensei he could have the rest.

Sensei then held out a bottle of water. I held the bottle above my mouth and poured some in. Ice cold water slid down my throat. It was exactly what I needed. I handed him back the water bottle and told him I appreciated him sharing his food and water with me. He nodded. I couldn't take the silence anymore. I decided I would talk. I took a deep breath and told him that my previous dream was a lesson. He peered over at me out of the corner of his eye. I knew I was on the right track. I told him that things were going great; until they weren't. I told him how I had hit a pothole that damaged my car and that I couldn't go any further. He looked forward again. I guess I took a wrong turn somewhere in the conversation. I took a few seconds to compose my thoughts and told him that this experience has made me realize a few things when it comes to aikido.

Sensei turned to face me. I was on the right track again. I told him that right before the test and right after the test I felt like I was on the right path. I felt like things were going smoothly (more or less) and that I had begun to get some confidence in a few techniques. I explained that I was doing alright until testing for 4th kyu soon became more of a reality. I told him that I noticed we were doing a lot of nikyo and sankyo in class lately, which is on the 4th kyu test. I told him that I was having problems with nikyo in particular. He nodded in reply. I told him that I had hit an awful, ugly pothole that shook me. My progression has seemed to stop altogether, or at least it felt like it. Sensei looked at me. His expression was one of sadness. I told him that the only thing I could do was keep showing up to class and keep training.

This statement seemed to please him. I told him that maybe I am making micro mini steps forward. Steps so tiny, that I can not see my own progression. Sensei smiled a great smile and said something that seemed so profound in that moment- everyone hits potholes sometimes. It may slow you down, but as long as you continue to push forward, that is what counts. Suddenly it dawned on me. That is exactly what I am doing. I was cruising along in a car on the highway. I hit a pothole and could no longer go that fast. I had to pull over. I didn't have a spare tire, so I had to decide whether to stay put or walk. I chose to walk. I chose to persevere. I chose to grow instead of just wilting away to nothing. I was so proud of myself for figuring out this little puzzle. All I could do was smile.

Sensei motioned to a dirt path that led away from the road. I followed his dust trail to an old ford pickup truck. Sensei motioned for me to get in. I happily obliged. I hopped in, shut the door and buckled up. He started up the truck and the radio came on. Chumbawamba's song "Tubthumping" was playing mid chorus. I had to laugh at the song, because it just fit the moment so well. As we pulled out onto the highway, I turned and asked sensei why he decided to give me a ride. He went on to explain that there are times that a student must travel alone, but there are also times when a teacher can travel with his student. Timing; it's all about timing. With that, there was only one thing left to do; sing. "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down!"

A New Experience

This weekend was a LONG weekend for me. Friday night I helped with a seminar hosted by SCAI (I am a board member). My duty was to assist with photography (which I love doing!) Shozo Sato Sensei gave an interesting talk about "Active Empty Space" and how it is utilized in art (shodo and sumi-e). Saturday I got up at 7:15 a.m. in order to go to iaido and aikido class. Iaido went well. For aikido we worked on: uchikaiten sankyo, iriminage, kotegaeshi and a variation of sumiotoshi all from tsuki. Aikido was an abbreviated class because we had to transform the dojo into a place that would hold the shodo and sumi-e workshop that SCAI was hosting.

As soon as class was over, we pulled out a tarp and covered up the mats. Sensei then had 3 of us walk to this church a couple blocks away to pick up these heavy metal tables so we could carry them back to the dojo. Let me tell you… those tables were abnormally heavy! It didn't help that I am shorter then the other people who were carrying the tables, so I had to lift the table up more then they did so it wouldn't drag on the ground. By the time we got those tables back to the dojo my poor arms were tired. We then set the tables up on bean bags to prevent them from damaging the mats and then placed thick mats around for the chairs to be set upon. We then brought in all the chairs. At this point I was able to take a break and I hurried up and chowed down my Olive Garden salad that I had brought with me (knowing I wouldn't be leaving the dojo till after 5 and I ate breakfast at 7:30 a.m.)

By this time Shozo Sato had arrived and I began to help finish setting up the dojo (put felt down on all the tables, set out paper towels on each table, put a bucket in the back of the room for inky water. My sensei took me downstairs and gave me some of his personal sumi-e brushes, ink well and dishes to use and then had me set up my spot right next to him. It wasn't long after that, that people began to arrive. The next four hours were a blur as we all worked diligently on the formal style of calligraphy (we had 5 characters we were each writing). I found out that I really enjoy doing calligraphy, but discovered that I am horrid at it. Shozo Sato walked around the room and helped each student. He would put his hand on top of yours and help you write the character(s) that you were working on. It was great to get the feel of the stroke. He kept saying writing calligraphy is like dancing, but this dance just kept eluding me! Practice, practice, practice…

Sunday I arrived at the dojo at 8:30 to help prepare for the second day of the seminar. There wasn't really too much to do though, which was good because I was still half asleep. Today we were going to work on the semi-formal style of writing and we would be doing the same characters that we had been working on the day before. It is basically the equivalent of writing partly in print and partly in cursive. I had a bit of trouble at first, but by the end of the day I was really starting to get the feeling of it. I had begun to flow and my strokes began to have varying widths to them. After trying both styles of writing, I have decided that I like the semi-formal method of writing better then the traditional form. I am seriously considering taking up shodo as a hobby. The only problem is it is expensive to start out. A good quality brush is about $50 and then you have to get ink, an inkwell, paper, books, a paper weight, felt, etc. Maybe I will put a few things on my Christmas list.

Once the seminar came to an end, the clean-up process began. I went around and collected everyone's trash and put it in the recycling bin. I went around and picked up all the felt, took down the tables, picked up the bean bags and began stacking up the chairs. Thankfully, sensei said we would be taking the tables to the church in his minivan, because my arms and shoulders were sore from lifting the day before. I ended up running to the church though because he had to pick someone else up first. Running two blocks doesn't seem like much, but I was huffing and puffing a bit by the time I got there (partly because I was determined to beat them there). I despise running. I am always congested due to my allergies and when I run, my nose gets runny and my mouth and throat get all yucky from the drainage. Kind of hard to breathe with all of that in your nose and throat! I tried to be all nonchalant about it as I helped unload the tables and carry them into the churches storage area though. I thought I was going to have to run back (oh dread…) but the other guy said he would walk since it was so nice out.

Once we got back to the dojo, I helped load up all the chairs into the minivan. I asked sensei if he needed help unloading them, but he declined saying that I had done enough. The truth is, I would have gladly done more. The price of this two day seminar was around $300 and he let me attend for free. I had shown interest in it, but with the recent move, my husband and I just don't have the cash. Sensei, out of the kindness of his heart invited me to attend anyway and offered me a full scholarship. My husband says that sensei is fond of me. That may be true, but it certainly isn't because of my aikido skills. I know that I am not a great student, but I am a dedicated student and I think that plays a part. After everyone left I took some photos of the dojo. I couldn't help but look around and notice the "active empty" space that I had learned about this weekend.

I finally got home around 2:30 and then proceeded to finish up two loads of laundry that my husband wasn't able to get to. At one point I heard the washer sounding like it was unbalanced so I walked upstairs. I discovered that the leveler thingy came out from under the washer. There wasn't much I could do about it, so I watched the washer until it was done. I then went to go back downstairs…. only I didn't get there the way I planned. Somehow my foot slipped out from under me (I was in the process of stepping down and had one foot on the step and the other was in the air). Next thing I know I fall on my butt and bump and slam my way down about eight steps before I manage to stop myself. I sat there on the landing grabbing my butt as my faithful shih tzu (who witnessed the entire ordeal as she was going down the steps next to me) looks at me like "What the hell is your problem?" HAHA. Now, you may be asking "Why didn't you grab the banister?" Well, it isn't up at the moment because we had to take it down when we moved in because the furniture wouldn't make it up the stairs with it up. Putting it up to take it back down to move out and then putting it back up again will most likely make the holes in the wall big, so we have decided to keep it down. Anyway, I am fine. I had a sore butt, but other then that I was alright. I just relaxed and went with it. It could have been a lot worse (could have smacked my head or tumbled down the stairs), so I am not really complaining about it.

To close this entry, I learned a few things this weekend: the first is that backwards ukemi is quite useful when falling down stairs (I have now tested my ukemi being thrown at about 25 mph, slipping on ice, falling off of a roof and falling down stairs). I have discovered that falling really isn't that big of a deal anymore provided you stay relaxed and don't panic. Those are easier said then done, but I have managed to do both of those each time I have fallen. The second thing I learned is that shodo has great similarities with aikido and iaido. All are a beautiful dance and require perfect technique and timing. Like the sword, you must not hold the brush too tightly or too loosely. The brush is a bird that you must hold firmly enough so as to not allow it to fly away, but loose enough so that it isn't being crushed by your hands. It requires a firm, yet relaxed hand and the utmost concentration. Like aikido, shodo requires the ability to maintain constant fluidity. The brush needs to be able to move freely in all directions. The brush is constantly going up and down, left and right, and it's frequently moving towards and away from the paper in an attempt to add more or less pressure as necessary.

Like both arts, shodo requires a proper stance and breathing is of utmost importance. These are just a few of the similarities between them. I am not saying that practicing shodo will necessarily improve my martial arts abilities, but I am saying that there are a lot of concepts that are similar. Take the time to look around you and see the similarities that exist between aikido and your daily life. If you can learn to recognize or carry a concept you learned from aikido over to another area of your life, then you will be constantly enriching yourself. Before you know it, you will be practicing aikido in all aspects of your life without even being cognizant of it. That is what makes aikido so beautiful. In the end, don't we all want to be able to effortlessly dance our way through life; adapt at a moments notice and modify our steps to accommodate the change in music that life so often throws at us?

A bit of humor

I came across this on the web and found it to be pretty funny. Thought I would inject a little bit of humor into your life. :O)