Seeing With Your Eyes

Lately, I have been trying to see with my eyes. It sounds so obvious and simple “see with your eyes”, but what I have come to realize is that it isn’t a simple task. Countless people walk around every day seeing, without really seeing anything. They don’t take in their surroundings, as they are only focused on the path directly in front of them. The details of their surroundings melt away, carelessly dismissed. Or perhaps they see, but they deem it useless information and don’t really give it time to process. What a waste of such a beautiful gift. Sight, one of the best assets we have, yet we never really take the time to acknowledge exactly how valuable a tool it is.

I have become conscious of the fact that I myself am quite guilty of not seeing as well as I should. Through my years of martial arts training, I have been taught to be aware of my surroundings and to take in the little details. You know… those little details that could vary well save your life one day. The other day in class, sensei was demonstrating a technique (we were working on irimi and irimi-tenkan against tanto). I carefully watched his every movement. Saw what he did with his hands, saw that he entered. I thought I saw everything to this simple technique. It turns out that I did not see everything. I tossed aside some valuable information. Previously we were both starting in gyaku hanmi. This time we were supposed to start in ai hanmi. When I went to do the technique, I was baffled at the fact that I was ending up no the wrong side of the knife. I knew something was wrong. I tried recalling the details of sensei’s demonstration. Sensei came to my rescue and told me that I needed to start with the other foot forward. The light bulb finally came on.

How could I be so blind? How could I overlook something so important? Sure, what I did got me out of the way of the knife. Sure, I had other techniques that were available to me, but it wasn’t the one I was supposed to be working on. I admonished myself and told myself I would be more aware with the details from now on. Truthfully, this will happen again; just like it has happened several times in the past. I would like to think that I am getting better at taking in the whole picture. In all honesty, there are times where I am so focused on watching what his hands are doing that I forget to see how he started out with his stance. I am able to tell his general movement, but starting out on the wrong foot can make a world of difference.

I am at the point that the first time I try to take in the entire picture. Get the general layout of the technique. The second time, I see what his hands are doing. Is he throwing in an atemi as well? Is he flipping his wrist over at the last second before uke grabs it? The third time, I try to pay careful attention to his footwork. The fourth time I use for whatever I still think I need more information about. It may be looking at the general picture again or it may focus on something particular. It just depends on how familiar I am with the technique. If it is something I have never done before, I may watch uke instead to see how he takes the ukemi. Since I am usually the one being tossed around first, I find this valuable information. Being uke first also allows me to watch nage and have the ability to process the technique a bit more before it is my turn.

Seeing with your eyes…. Something so simple and intuitive, yet we must train ourselves to look for the details. We must not blindly walk through life. Take in, absorb and process your surroundings; both the obvious and the subtle. There is a saying that goes “It’s all in the details.” More and more, I am beginning to see just how accurate of a statement it really is.

Siskiyou Aikikai Dojo Photos

Outside our dojo (it used to be an old church)

A view from the front door

The front of our dojo/ shomen

The back of the dojo

Our rank board and some certificates

Ugly aikido feet

The other day I was in class. At the beginning, we do warm up exercises along with stretches. Well, I was deep in thought while stretching my hamstrings when I looked at my feet that were oh so close to my face. "UCK!" I thought to myself. "I have such ugly aikido feet!" My feet are dry from sliding on the mat (I was taking my second class of the evening), my left pinky toenail is still purple red from stubbing it on the ladder outside the dojo one night in the dark (3 months ago!), my feet are not the soft lovely feet I once had (despite my desperate efforts to keep them moisturized). At this point, sensei has us lay on our backs and raise our legs up into the air in an attempt to touch the mat with our feet behind our head. My feet touch the mat and I continue to think about my ugly aikido feet.

"Ugly aikido feet can't be that bad of a thing.... I mean a lot of work has been put into the current condition of my feet. They have endured almost a year of training that includes approximately 225 hours of aikido and somewhere around 120 hours of iaido and tai chi. That is a lot of time for my feet to be sliding around the rough mats." My thoughts are briefly interrupted as we stand up and start stretching our hands. "I guess like my body, my feet have slowly evolved. They are tougher then they once were, but are still fairly soft and gentle to the touch. They have marks from mat burn that have yet to fade on the tops of my feet that are constant reminders of my awkward and clumsy stage where I could not do shikko to save my life."

As I begin to roll my head in circles, I just can't get my ugly aikido feet out of my mind. That is when I came to a realization. "My ugly aikido feet aren't so ugly after all. They have been shaped and molded through lots of hard work and effort. I'm sure my feet will go through many more transformations as I become even less clumsy and gain more fluidity. These feet of mine got me to the point I am today. They have carried me through not only my aikido journey, but my life's journey as well. My feet are not ugly; they are a thing of unique beauty."

Sensei's clapping drug me out of my thoughts as we all ran to the back of the class eager to watch the first technique that was to be demonstrated to us. I couldn't help but smile to myself as I wondered where else my feet would carry me. Only time will tell.

A penny for your..... "I'm Sorry"

Training has been going well as of lately. It seems like sensei is busy getting several people ready for testing. I'm sure someone will be testing for 5th kyu soon, there are about four of us who may be testing for 4th kyu soon and he is busy getting someone else ready for 1st kyu. For a while we were doing nothing but advanced techniques. Tons of stuff that was way over my head and haven't done. I was working on hanmi handachi and kata-shomen attacks. It was fun to work on these things because I felt absolutely no pressure. However, for the past week, things have been dropped back from fourth gear to first gear. What a joy it has been. Sometimes it is so nice to slow down and be able to work on something more familiar.

Last week was a lovely week of the return to the familiar or at least techniques that are more in my range. Sensei has put a strong emphasis on nikyo and sankyo lately. We worked on them from suwariwaza with attacks from: katadori, shomenuchi, yokomenuchi and kata-shomen. We also worked on them from hanmi handachi as well. Then we finally worked on the two techniques standing. It was a nice blend of training based for us about to test for 4th kyu but also helped the guy about to test for 1st kyu. Obviously, hanmi handachi and kata-shomen attacks aren't on a 4th kyu test.

There was also an entire class based on kokyuho. We worked on it from katadori (ai and gyaku), shomenuchi, yokomenuchi, ryotedori and morotedori. It was nice to work one the one technique and be able to see the similarities between all the attacks. The main thing that I need to work on with this technique is making it more three dimensional. I have a tendency to keep flat as I do the technique instead of having this lovely rising and falling appearance. I know what I am supposed to do and I know how it is supposed to feel, but I just haven't been able to make it muscle memory yet. It comes and goes. I was told during the class that I am too nice. He told me that I actually had to punch with some intent to uke's face and that uke would move. Okay, so the next time I did it, I punched (not terribly hard, but with intent). Uke did not move… and I punched him. Uhm.... this is not helping me. I don't want to hit someone and him not moving isn't helping me get over my not wanting to hit someone fear. When they say things like that to me, it always makes me stop and think. I used to be an aggressive person. I went from that to miss passive. What happened?

Saturday sensei had us work on some ikkyo, shihonage, kotegaeshi, iriminage and he emphasized the importance of kokyu and had us work on building it by doing hand exercises while standing, as well as working on it from suwariwaza kokyuho. At one point, he had me sit in seiza in front of him. He had me put the blade of my hand and my forearms on his chest and told me to push. I pushed and pushed and he would lean in and knock me over. Finally, it occurred to me that I needed to sink into my hips. As soon as I did that, I could easily push him over. He told me that sinking into the hips and having the pressure go through my spine into the floor was the secret for suwariwaza ryotedori kokyuho, as well as lots of other techniques. For quite some time, sensei had us work on suwariwaza kokyuho with each other. I’m still missing something along the way, but I’m sure I will figure it out in time.

Another change in the dojo is the addition of the penny jar. After a bunch of “I’m sorry” statements in the dojo, sensei has decided that we are going to have to get this out of our system. Every time someone says “I’m sorry.” a penny must be put in the jar. Even if an “I’m sorry” is truly warranted, a penny will be put in the jar. Sensei implemented this penny jar on Thursday. I added two pennies that day and on Saturday I had to add two more pennies. At one point in class on Saturday I said “I’m sorry.” and when I realized it, I said “Darn it… I owe a penny.” Sensei heard me and said if that I say that too many times after I am sorry, I am going to have to put a nickel in the jar along with a penny. After class I asked sensei if I could go up into the dojo to add my pennies. He asked me how many I had to put in and I told him two. Sensei was surprised to learn that we have put in about the same amount of pennies. So far, sensei and I are the only two putting pennies in the jar, but I am sure more people will add over time as well. My husband will definitely be adding pennies to the jar because he says it all the time as well. In fact, I am proud that I have only added four pennies. I almost said it to sensei when he was using me to demonstrate something (he was uke). I knocked him down and as I moved in, my knee and his elbow somehow banged together. As I opened my mouth to apologize, I realized my error and shut my mouth. Instead, sensei apologized to me. We just simply smiled at each other as he admonished himself and said he’d have to add a penny to the jar.

After class, we all stood downstairs and chatted for a bit. Our after training chit chat sessions are always one of the best things about Saturday training. It is during these sessions that I often get to hear Chiba sensei stories, talk about training, reminiscing about the past, talking about sake and beer, t-shirts and any other topic that happens to pop into our heads. It is strange how a bunch of random strangers have grown into something that is more like a family. Sensei brought up that one of the female yudansha that used to train has been talking about coming back, but hasn’t come yet. I told him that I wouldn’t know what to do if I had to share the dressing room (as I’m accustomed to having it ALL to myself). For some reason, female students are few and far between at our dojo. There were a few girls when I started and a few joined after me, but I’m the only one left (on a regular basis- one lives in CA and one is in college). I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I can say that I love my dojo and I love training with the guys. I don’t mind that I’m the only female working on the mat!

Kokyu Very Much

This week went pretty well. I don’t really recall too much of what we worked on this week. I really need to stop being lazy and do this journal thing more often or at least write down what I did and then use them to type later. Tuesday we had a female yudansha visit. She has her own dojo a few hours north of us. She had trained with my sensei under Chiba sensei for a while and I think she also trained in Japan as well. I have heard a lot about her, so I really enjoyed getting to meet with her and train with her. When I worked with her, we were working on iriminage. She was very helpful and told me that I was bouncy (in a good way) when I was uke.

Wednesday’s class was based around kokyuho. I actually had one of those rare classes where I could feel myself sinking into my hips and turning. We started off practicing tai no henko and then progressed into variations of kokyuho. Usually, I struggle with sinking into my hips and rotating, but it was coming effortless to me this evening. I don’t know what caused me to be able to do this, but I have an feeling that it won’t be there next time I try to do them! It comes and goes. My only wish is that it slowly becomes more and more frequent. One of my favorite variations we did was from gyaku hanmi katatedori. You tenkaned around like you were doing tai no henko and then your rotate 180 (you end up facing the same way you did when you started) and all the while you are taking uke around with you. Once you finish spinning, you then turn back 180 degrees as you throw uke. The only thing I did notice that I need to work on is that my rear foot can get stuck instead of rotating on the ball of the foot for the finish. It happens more on one side then it does the other (I can’t recall which side).

Yesterday’s class was a bit over my head. There was two sandans, a nidan, a 2nd kyu and me. Sensei went and sat down in the back of the room and basically called out techniques. We did the following from suwariwaza: katadori (ikkyo through gokyo), the same thing from shomenuchi and the same thing from katadori shomenuchi. We then did hanmi handachi: gyaku hanmi katatedori (shihonage and some other thing I don’t know the name of) and ryotedori variations. We then went to tachiwaza: yokomenuchi variations, tsuki variations and morotedori variations. Now, several of these things I had never done before, so I had to quickly absorb what the other was doing to me while I was uke. As far as the variations go, this was a trial for me as well. I kept trying to recall what I had learned. I was able to do better with some attacks then I was with others.

For the other things in class, sensei just had me be uke. Sensei had me get a tanto and I attacked nage two times each of: shomenuchi, yokomenuchi and tsuki. Then he had two uke grab morotedori on nage. Luckily I had taped my wrist (it has been sore lately) because one yudansha in particular was whipping me around. I got thrown into a breakfall a couple times and more then once my taped wrist was cranked on. One time nikyo was particularly painful. Alas, that is part of training at times. As long as I can prevent myself from getting injured, I don’t mind.

After a while, sensei had us line up in the back. He then stated that the nidan was now a sandan and the 2nd kyu was now a 1st kyu. They had just taken a very informal unannounced test. He then had us do some Feldenkrais to help us relax and stretch out. He then had us line up so a few people could leave. He went down and told several people how they have changed and progressed. I was hoping for some feedback, but I didn’t get any. Boohoo. Those of us who could stay, he had grab a bokken so we could work for a bit on a partner form. That went well. Sensei had me work with him so the other two could go a bit faster if they wanted. All in all, it was a good week of training. Saturday I was definitely swimming in the deep end of the pool. Although I wasn’t keeping up with the higher rankers, I would like to think that I easily stayed afloat. Now, I need to work on doggy paddling. :) I know that eventually, I will doggy paddle and then I will develop a nice stroke and will be able to swim in the deep end with the other higher rankers. I know sensei didn’t expect me to be able to do all of those things, nor did he expect me to do most of those things well, but the fact that he thought I could handle all of that makes me feel that I’m not doing too bad.

Oh, well I have been on my medication for a few days now. Amazingly, I am not as tired as I was before, so the meds really are working. In fact, on Thursday sensei commented to me that my color looked better in class and that I didn’t appear as exhausted as I have been. I told him that I was feeling better, but that too many rolls still makes my head feel strange. He asked if I would be in class Saturday, to which I said “Of course. I only hope that I can actually stay for aikido unlike last week.” Sensei then told me that I could sit out at times if necessary if that would make it possible for me to train. It seems that he does not like it when I miss class. Maybe that is because I don’t miss class often, so when I do it is not the norm. Maybe it’s because he wants me to work on the 4th kyu techniques. Maybe it is because he likes having a student who shows up regularly. Maybe, maybe, maybe…. the list could go on an on. Who am I to speculate what is going on in his head? All I know is that I like to train!!!

Whacked knee, training hard and blood test results!

Thursday’s class was a really good class. It was a very active, intense, keep moving type of class. A lot of the throws we did involved rolls, which is always fun (unless you are exhausted like I seem to be all the time). It wasn’t long before I was sweating and the dojo windows were fogging up. Though I was tired to begin with, I kept on pushing myself to get through the class. Towards the end of the class, the yudansha who was teaching had five of us stand up. One person was in the middle and the other four took turns attacking. We had to do a particular technique that we had learned that night from a double shoulder grab. You simply enter, turn 180 and throw the person into a roll. Well, at one point I was one of the attackers. Things were going quite well… until they weren’t. During my roll, all the sudden there was this loud bang and my knee hurt. Turns out the yudansha threw me into the kamiza. Our dojo used to be an old church, so the entire lifted wooden platform at the front is our kamiza. The room got suddenly quiet and I could hear the yudansha who was teaching asking me if I was alright. I got up and said I was fine (which was a lie because it hurt like hell). He then told me to be in the middle. It wasn’t a consolation prize I was looking for, but it did help me think of other things besides the pain for a bit. After class, the yudansha who threw me into the kamiza came over and asked if I was alright. Again, I was modest and told him I was fine.

Second hour sensei had us grab our bokken. We did some nice partner work. I wasn’t doing too bad as most of the things we were doing I had done before. At the end of class, he had one person stand in the middle with four people standing around them (on the front, rear, left and right). We all lifted our bokken and when the person in the middle dropped theirs, all four of us were to strike shomen at the same time. The person in the middle had to pick a direction, slice across the ribs, step through, turn and strike shomen. I was the last of us to go. I was hoping we would run out of time and that I wouldn’t have to do it, but I did have a turn. Surprisingly, I didn’t do half bad! I just made up my mind as to which way I wanted to go before I dropped my sword to invite their attacks. At the end of the night I went home and elevated my leg because my knee was swollen. It is all better now though. Well, it aches sometimes, but it isn’t swollen anymore and the bruising has went away.

Saturday I woke up with a headache, but went to class anyway because it wasn’t that bad. One of the new iaido students was there (he doesn’t show up regularly) so sensei decided we would work on four kata: shohatto, sato, uto and atarito. We were each focusing on different things. I was watching my variation of speed (slow, fast, faster) through the kata as well as my timing. He had us do a few of the kata extra slow, which was nice. My thighs were sore the next couple days. Who knew two weeks off could cause you to get out of shape. I have read though that your body can decline from two weeks of not training/working out. At the end of class, I went up to sensei and told him I would not be staying. During iaido I wasn’t feeling too well. My head was all foggy and I almost felt like I was on meds and I kept having these awful hot flashes where I wanted to rip my gi top and hakama off and just work out in my t-shirt and pants. I figured ukemi wouldn’t really do me much good. I was sad to tell him that I wasn’t going to stay. The sad fact is during our meditation period after iaido (I failed to quiet my mind this week) all I did was debate on whether I wanted to stay or go. I thought about staying and watching, but I really wanted to lie down; so home I went. Sensei asked me if I knew when I would have my results back from my blood work and urinalysis. I told him that I would find out Monday.

Monday I found out that my blood work and urinalysis was all great except for one thing. My thyroid level is low. Now I have an appointment tomorrow to see about going on medication. I was told that hypothyroid can cause chronic fatigue, along with a lot of other symptoms that I also coincidentally have. So, I am going to the dojo tonight. We will see how that goes. I’m also going to tell sensei the news because he was quite interested and worried about what was going on with me as well. He thought I was deficient in the iron category, but alas… I am not. Uck. Anyway, that is all for now!

Ringing in 2010 aikido training with… a migraine?

Well, yesterday was my first class back at the dojo after two weeks of living a sedentary lifestyle that included: eating LOTS of food, drinking copious amounts of wine and champagne (Okay, so it was only like 6 glasses over 3 days, but that is a lot for me when I’m lucky if I have a glass a week), playing wii, watching movies, reading and grooming my shih tzu. Monday night I went to bed with a headache only to wake up Tuesday morning feeling absolutely rotten. I decided to go to work anyway. I don’t really take sick days (or vacation much for that matter) and I figured that if I made it through the day, then I could use that as ammo to convince my husband that I would be alright going to class. Luckily for me, my headache did lessen through out the day. I got home from work and my husband asked if I was going to class. I told him that I would give it a shot and would sit out if it got too bad.

We arrived at the dojo, changed and then lined up to wait for sensei. My first class back went rather well. I was convinced that I would have lost everything I had learned over the past 10 months, but that wasn’t quite the case. I had lost a bit of the connectivity from lack of practice, but I did alright. At one point, sensei came over and asked if I was alright. I told him that I had a really bad headache earlier, but was managing things alright. As long as I kept my headache (and the potential of a migraine coming back) in my conscious thoughts and remembered to take softer ukemi, I would be fine. Sensei used me as uke once for kokyuho. I wasn’t really too excited to go up there because sensei usually gives me some umph when he throws me and I wasn’t sure how my head would take it. Sensei was a little gentler then normal, but not much. Luckily, whether it was through concentration or just good ukemi, my head didn’t hurt at all. Sensei must have remembered my head after because he asked me if I was alright and he didn’t use me as uke again the rest of the night. Some things we worked on where kokyuho, iriminage, shihonage, kotegaeshi, sumiotoshi and I think maybe a couple other things. Couldn’t tell you what attacks we were working from… but I’m thinking they were katatedori. I can’t really remember too much when I have headaches. On the way home, my loving husband let us stop off at the Human Bean so I could get a chai tea. Hot things tend to help my head (even when they don’t have caffeine in them). As we drove home, I couldn’t help but sip my warm tea and think about all the things that lay ahead of me for 2010. This was going to be a good year for me… I could feel it.

Yesterday I woke up with my head feeling funny, which isn’t really abnormal after having a really bad headache or migraine. The day(s) after usually leave me with a foggy feeling in my head and I often feel slightly loopy, like I am on medication or something. Yesterday started off in the weapons class with the bokken. We did some warm up drills, 4 and 8 count cutting exercises (the real name is eluding me at the moment), as well as some tsuburi and then went to basic responses to a shomen cut. Over all, I didn’t do too badly. I am much more comfortable with a bokken then I am with a jo, so the monthly change over of weapons was a welcomed change for me. We did a few of the tsuburi from suwariwaza, which was challenging at times, but manageable (though not gracefully).

For the second hour of class, sensei taught. Everything revolved around yokomenuchi attacks. We have been doing these a lot lately and these are on the 4th kyu exam. Coincidence? Maybe, but not likely. We did ikkyo and iriminage from suwariwaza and then moved to tachiwaza techniques, which were: kokyuho, kotegaeshi (2 variations), iriminage, shihonage and we also did this thing where you duck under the attack and enter, which puts you in the position to knee your opponent in the solor plexus or in the groin. I was taking this easy because I did not want to knee a guy in the groin. Once, I was a bit low of my target and I realized that I was not in an ideal location for my male partner. I immediately froze my technique and let him go. I asked if he was okay and he just kind of smiled and said “You were gentle. It’s okay.” Anyway, I didn’t want to temp fate again, so I made sure to get my knee up higher.

Sensei used me for uke a few times tonight, which was nice. I still made a point to try to take softer ukemi (which he has wanted me to do anyway). At one point, my bun came undone, but my hair was still held up in a ponytail. He told me I could fix it, but I didn’t want to make him wait, so I just put the extra band on my wrist. Mistake! We were doing kotegaeshi and just about every time I was on the mat he would step on my hair. I wouldn’t realize this until I went to roll over on my stomach and realized I was unable to. My hair is constantly getting in the way. While doing shihonage with another student, my bun got stuck between his folded arm and I had to go down to the mat with him so I wouldn’t end up bald.

Iaido class went well. We worked on some basic attacks and defensive draws and then went to standing forms. It was nice to do standing forms because my knees are a tad sore from yesterday and doing suwariwaza in the previous classes didn’t help them any. Last night before leaving class, me, my husband and sensei were all talking. I was asking him if he had heard from any of the newer students who have been MIA for about a month now. He said he had heard from one, but not from the others. Looks like I may be the only girl in the dojo again. Somehow we got on the topic of fat and my husband told sensei that I thought I was fat. I quickly edited the statement saying “I’m not fat. I’m out of shape.” Sensei agreed that I could be in better shape cardiovascularly. I told him that I wasn’t so bad a couple months ago, but lately I have been exhausted. He told me that he had noticed the same thing. He then asked me if I was a meat eater and if I was getting enough iron. I told him that I am a meat eater and I am constantly eating. I then told him that I take a multivitamin that supposedly had 100% of my daily iron and my breakfast shakes have supposedly 25% of my daily iron, so I’m getting 125%. I told him that I was going to set up a doctor appointment to get some blood work done to see if I have an iron deficiency or some other hormone deficiency. I then told him that by the time I am done being his uke, I am usually beat and just want to plop down on the mat. Sensei then told me that I wasn’t alone in that. I told sensei that they must hide it better then me, to which he responded “Not always.” We then said our good byes and said we’d see him tomorrow.

Today, my head is feeling good and I am looking forward to class. My forearms are quite sore from doing attacking yokomen and whacking my arm when they block. A minor setback though… I will take the pain in stride and continue on. 2010 here I come!